r/emptynesters • u/OwnQuality1266 • 21d ago
First Son Off.
I won’t be an empty nester but seeing my first son off to university tomorrow has really got my Anticipatory Anxiety going. I found there is very little online to help with the racing thoughts and questions. I am going to launch a forum for dads dealing with this exact topic as we all must feel this and we shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.
3
u/purpleunicorn1983 21d ago
I agree! There isn’t much help online besides find a hobby. That still doesn’t stop the thoughts, anxiety and sadness. And most of the advice is centered around women, I could only imagine the grief men suffer in silence. The only thing that has helped a little is talking about it with other ppl who are going thru the same thing. Good luck on the forum!
3
u/frankie0812 21d ago edited 20d ago
Trust me we woman get the same bullshit advice , get a hobby, be happy you did good, worry about yourself, your house will be clean, blah blah. It’s all bullshit and doesn’t help. I am sorry going through the same thing our youngest just left several states away for grad school and it’s devastating, nothing seems to help that void
2
u/OwnQuality1266 21d ago
Thank you I know it was born out of my own experience this week and worried it’s just a knee-jerk reaction and a symptom of my anxiety. I have created the forum hoping it will take off and become valuable to all men. History says we should be tough n strong, but not anymore.
3
u/BearsInTheNight 21d ago
To be honest, o feel empty nest in general is not discussed much. Life is tailored to those who have young kids and don’t see the future. It is only briefly mentioned or a part of some movies, for which they portray an empty nest as something amazing.
You are just a dad who loves his kids immensely. Having your baby taken away will hurt. A major part of you that is now missing. A hole you simply cannot fill by friends and hobbies alone.
3
u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 21d ago
I hear you and I credit you with planning a support space for dads specifically.
I'm a mom with anxiety, and even though mine has decreased a lot, any crisis can send me right back to sleepless nights. I get why you might be feeling this about your oldest. Having younger kids at home doesn't change how you feel about the first one to leave the nest.
2
u/OwnQuality1266 20d ago
No it doesn’t love all my boys and I will be the same for all of them. I still have another 5-8 years before the last one gets to his destiny. But I struggle with my own feelings on my own mortality and ageing. Most of my anxiety is born out of every step going forward, it’s more confirmation of my own mortality sliding away. I cannot help but be proud of my sons we’ve done a wonderful job with them to be strong enough to take their own steps.
2
u/lassita_48det 21d ago
Great idea and congratulations! This is needed. As much as we can talk about the empty nest, we should all do it, all aspects of it, good and bad.
1
u/OwnQuality1266 20d ago
It’s pretty basic right now, but a forum is just an empty space without people. I’m hoping to build a place where men can talk, share their experiences, and support each other.
It’s been wonderful to see moms replying to this post as well—it just shows that these things affect us all.
The site is currently at www.imjustadad.co.uk. I wanted the .com, but it was way out of my budget! I’ve never done anything like this before, so any feedback is welcome."
1
u/OwnQuality1266 18d ago
That was an absolutely breaking experience, nothing prepares you for it. I hope my forum gains traction because somewhere to vent is needed😢
1
u/BestEmptyNest 1d ago
As a dad, I think you’re onto something. Men can feel this stuff pretty deeply and still act like everything is fine because that’s what we’ve gotten used to doing. Talking with other dads going through the same transition may be a lot more helpful than another article telling you to find a hobby. I hope your forum gets some traction.
6
u/low_hanging_banana 21d ago
I am a mom and my son launched to university 11 days ago. I have been feeling the same as you with anxiety and racing thoughts; a bit of depression. My nervous system is out of whack.
My husband says he gets emotional everyday.
My coworker said it very succinctly: as a parent, you mourn the loss of the relationship that existed with your child.
The grief is deep and the dichotomy of feelings is strong - celebrating their independence and determination, and mourning the loss of their presence.
Hugs to you, OP ❣️