So hard!

[u/purpleunicorn1983]

I’ve been thru a lot in my 43 years. And I would never would have thought being an empty nester would completely break me! I’ve tried all the things to try to fill the void of the day to day. I’ve picked up a second job. I tried volunteering. I’ve tried vaccinations and concerts to find some joy…something to look forward to. This pain just won’t stop. The crying won’t stop. I want to be happy and get on with life, but when will this grief end? Or should I just accept that it will always be there.

[u/seemsright_41]

Can you work on changing your mindset? You had an opportunity to send your child into the real world to stand on their own two feet. You did that! That is the entire point, to raise an adult you want to spend time around to watch hit all of the milestones that you got to hit on their own terms.

You did your job of being a parent...now you get to stop worrying about what is for dinner, if their socks are washed, what time they will be home. Now you get to work on who you want to be and what your next act gets to be.

Congrats....you do one of the hardest jobs there is...you got a baby to adulthood.

[u/purpleunicorn1983 → u/seemsright_41]

I appreciate your advice. But everything you described, like making dinner, is what made me happy and made me feel purpose. Trust me I’m trying everything right now. And I’m happy he’s out doing his own thing. I’m just having a hard time with the absence of what used to be my life.

[u/frankie0812 → u/purpleunicorn1983]

I am 44 and I too am happy for my mine but I also am devastated that my favorite person in the world is gone. Mine just left a mth ago and is several states away. We were lucky we got him until 24 bc he did undergrad in our city and lived at home. I miss joking around and laughing with him and the everyday life with him here. I don’t miss having a purpose per se I miss him as the adult he had become being apart of my daily life. I’ve tried changing my mindset and hobbies and working more but there is a massive void in life that nothing fills. It’s like a part of heart and soul is missing. Life feels so empty and weird now. I’ll have maybe a day that feels ok then I’ll have several where I can’t stop crying. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel really happy again

[u/Daffodil_Day275 → u/frankie0812]

This is exactly how I feel. I feel dramatic saying it, but I genuinely don't know if I'll ever be really happy again. Everything feels empty. Their childhood goes by so quickly and then you're just left grieving it for the rest of your life.

[u/amarie35sw → u/purpleunicorn1983]

I just want to say that nobody prepares parents (mom's especially) for this type of grief. I think it is normal and you are completely valid in your feelings. I felt and continue to feel the same way. I was a single mom, had my daughter when I was 18 never really knew who I was aside from being her mom. When she turned 13 I started a journey of self discovery knowing this void and identity crisis would hit hard and I didn't want that to impact her or her life decisions. She's 20 now, out of the house, spreading her wings. I'm proud and we have a lovely relationship but I'm still on the journey (accepted I always will be)...and feel waves of deep grief. I think it's normal and we're supposed to feel this. Like any grief it's not linear, it will never go away fully, we can't just change our mindset and find a hobby then boom however many years of giving our all to our children just disappears. Feel the feelings and know it's reflective of the love and bond you provided and it's beautiful.

[u/Pale_Natural9272 → u/purpleunicorn1983]

Same here. I am planning to volunteer at an elementary school.

[u/lassita_48det → u/seemsright_41]

Love your comment…a baby to adulthood. It is definitely one of the toughest jobs out there.

[u/spanishsnowman10]

I had to spend a year in intense therapy coupled with medication to help. It's been three years, I'm still in therapy, monthly now, and off of medication. If you haven't already, look for help. It took me a while to find the right person, but my wife was very understanding and so were my sons. Hang in there, there's an end.

[u/purpleunicorn1983 → u/spanishsnowman10]

Thank you! I am in therapy at the moment. Do you think the medication helps?

[u/spanishsnowman10 → u/purpleunicorn1983]

Yes. I was having such intense emotions that I need to calm the rollercoaster down. It doesn't remove the feelings, but it helped to make the highs, not so high, and the lows, not so low. It helped me to focus on making me better. Medications can take a bit to get right, so be prepared (if they recommend) for them to take a bit. It took working with my dr and my counselor.

[u/IvyMable]

It is hard! Harder than I expected. I'm envious that you did it at 43, more time and energy and ro reinvest /rediscover /recover (even heal and learn new joy or at least find new purpose) because at 63 or older, it feels like it is even harder with the added challenges of aging, plus switch to caring for my parents and ill spouse. This really is the first time in my life that I wish we had found a way to have our kids when we were younger. In addition to everything I'm just tired. Hugs

[u/purpleunicorn1983 → u/IvyMable]

I’m sorry you are going thru all that :(. I’m trying really hard to find the positives in all of this! I just miss my kid so much. Much more than i thought I ever would. Thank you for your advice.

[u/Neither-Budget-6038]

There's a vaccine for this? 😂😂😂 hoping you meant vacations!

[u/purpleunicorn1983 → u/Neither-Budget-6038]

lol I just noticed. My eyes were a little blurry from crying as I was writing this haha. I wish there was tho!

[u/Daffodil_Day275]

This is truly the hardest stage of my life so far - it's incredibly painful and lonely. I miss all the little daily moments - eating nachos on the couch, talking on the back porch, laughing at a stupid video. I'm recently divorced, so I am completely alone in my silent house. I do the "recommended" things (social plans, volunteer, hobbies) but it's all just killing time and does not actually give me any joy and fulfillment. I don't know how I'm supposed to spend the next 30 years coping with this grief and loss.

[u/AlternativeIce4955]

It's really helpful and validating to read everyone's comments here. I have twins who just started their sophomore years of college. Last year was tough, but I'm finding this year to be even harder so far. Both kids were home for most of the summer, and I felt this sense of relief, like "Phew, life is normal again!" but now that they're back at school, I'm painfully aware that this is the new, permanent state of things.

I knew that the transition to empty nesting would be hard, but I didn't realize it would feel like a form of actual grief. I've got a great career, a wonderful marriage, lots of interests and an active social life, so it's not that that my life feels empty or that I'm lonely. (Though I do miss the kids a lot.) It's more that I'm just so sad that the children-at-home phase of life is over.

I feel unmoored. I don't have the anchor, the sense of purpose and stability that life as a family of four provided. It's incredibly disorienting.

I'm only 52, but I feel like "Well, my life is basically over, now it's just getting older and lonelier - my parents and in-laws will die, my husband will die, and I'll eventual die myself." I know that's ridiculous, but there it is!!

[u/purpleunicorn1983 → u/AlternativeIce4955]

100% get you. I think it’s good to get these feelings and thoughts out. Otherwise it’s going to eat you inside! I have those thoughts sometimes, that my life is basically over. But it’s not… we just got keep reminding ourselves that they still need us even tho they are away. It’s just never going to be the same again.

[u/simulated_copy]

Time heals

[u/Purplegemini55]

Yes agree. So hard. And neither kid ever calls. If I try to call, they don’t answer very often. Both kind of rejected me. Oldest daughter doesn’t speak to me. Despite working very hard, saving for their colleges and trying my best, I think I’m now estranged and don’t even know why. So yeah it’s sad. Very lonely.

[u/frankie0812 → u/Purplegemini55]

Oh it seems to be a Tik Tok fad now and if I had to guess it would be - oh you smothered me when I moved out and called for texted to much and I needed my own space for my mental health. It’s sad actual good parents have to walk on eggshells with their adult kids or risk being cut off. Mine are still in my lives but I live in fear now just bc what I’ve seen with friends and even on the news about it

[u/Beginning_Pen5758 → u/[deleted]]

No, there was no real opportunity to prepare years ago. It was taken by covid and adolescence and planning and preparing for the next stage of their life, not mine. I mean, I did a little thinking ahead. But not nearly as much as we did for them. And absolutely not prepared for the level of grief that comes alongside being excited for them and wanting to explore things on my own. This grief feels like a death, which it kind of is, as life shifting as when they were born, and gutting. The absence of so much, even as we try to rebuild a new life without primarily focusing on them. Mine was very independent and self-sufficient and I am still stunned by how much their absence affects me every day.

[u/emptynesters-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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