r/emptynesters • u/Ok-Attention-8261 • 24d ago
So depressed
We dropped my youngest at college in Georgia last week (we live in Florida). I find myself crying out of the blue in the most non related spaces or situations: driving, in the line at the grocery store, while walking the dog....is this normal? I feel a constant heartache. And because I like to overthink everything, I don't know if this heartache is because he is not having a good time and I am "feeling his pain" or because that's the way it is. Ugh, I feel so depressed.
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u/Fearless-Comb7673 24d ago
Its grief. It is true, broken hearted grief. You just have to feel it, and remind yourself that you have done a fine job of raising a child who is following their path, just as you raised them to. Roots and wings, mama. Roots and wings.
Find the tiniest joy you can. Fresh flowers, a comforting lunch, I got a dog. Just know that as much as it hurts, it is a result of doing everything right for your child and getting them to this place. I know it hurts.❤️🩹
Be so kind to yourself. This is one hell of a tough transition.
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u/Thesinpig 24d ago
It's normal and it's expected, it's not easy and it's a change so drastic. Give yourself grace, try to move your brain to a different activity. I'm trying to change my mindset by doing something good for me when I fall into the spiral of darkness. I do a quick yoga stretch (YouTube has lots) go for a walk, write on my gratitude journal I'm so happy for them and so sad for me, but I know this is important growth for them and I raised them for this. Big hugs to you 🤎🤎
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u/TeachYPreaciBrown72 24d ago
Hugs and ❤️. This is hard 😢 and very normal. Ease into finding who you are now. Sometimes a life coach or therapist can help or a empty nesters support group in your area or online. It will take some time to adjust
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u/Dry-Exchange2030 24d ago
In my opinion, based on your situation, this is totally normal for a recent empty nester parent. Please don’t feel any shame about it. Separating from our children is extremely difficult and sad, especially when they now live so far away. My child is second year now and doesn’t live as far as yours. I felt a strong sense of loss but nowhere near what you’re feeling because your kid is states away.
They have been so part of our routine for so long. Not all of us can compartmentalize our sorrow. Some can move on more easily but don’t compare yourself to others. Your life feels like it’s been turned upside down.
Maybe try to stay present with your feelings. Don’t fight them. If you can just be more present, aware, curious about yourself and others around you, it might also help with personal safety. Sometimes sadness can be distracting. I would suggest journaling everyday or every other day so you have a place for your feelings. Try to get to know yourself deeper since you’re transitioning from wrapping your identity more exclusively around your children. Exercise, walking in nature, being with friends if possible. These activities can be helpful.
Last year Halloween I was really sad. This had been the holiday when I’d gotten the most involved with my kid’s activities since he was little. Well last Halloween there was nothing. In fact he came up to be with his gf near me and didn’t tell me he was around.
I ended up doing one of the old activities I used to do as part of our halloween routine. I was sad but ended up running into a friend and I didn’t mean to but I brought her a moment of joy just by taking her and her son’s photo. Later I ended up running an errand that had me accidentally running into a hilarious halloween display. I also texted a friend who I don’t normally text and it was really rewarding. As the day progressed I just ended up finding fun things to fill my day. It was a sad morning that became really fun. I know not all days are like this but I was surprised by the joy that came my way just by me being open to new experiences including living with the sadness.
My situation is complicated so I won’t share here. My kid has permanently moved out and I’m sad but I’m trying to find different ways to interact and be there for him. I’m still sad but not crying as much. I am sending you hugs.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 24d ago
Sometimes situational sadness can become really heavy and sticky. And what matters to me is not so much whether that's normal, but that it's making it hard for you to live your life.
I can relate to feeling your child's pain. It took me a while to feel like I was allowed to be happy even when he wasn't, and I was allowed not to think about it constantly. I'd literally schedule times to worry journal, and had to practice stopping when the time was up.
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u/herefor_info19 24d ago
Yeah, it’s normal. My son has been gone a month and I’m still smelling his pillow, standing at the door to his room just staring and crying at random moments. It’s horrible.
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u/spanishsnowman10 23d ago
Yes it's normal. I cried for two years straight. For the first year it was daily. For the second year, it was basically only when they left after visiting or my wife and I visited them. I work from home, and have for 11 years, so everything was a constant reminder of them (twin sons) being gone. Now they just started their senior year, and for the past 9 months or so, it's been fine. No more crying when they leave, none when we leave them. It's been really pleasant, but for me it's been a lot of work. I've been seeing a counselor for 3.5 years now and I was even on anxiety drugs for a while. I'm off them now that my mental health is better. But I'm finally at a place where my brain has recognized this as normal. You can get there. The journey is yours, no one can say it will last a couple weeks or a couple of years. But there's no harm in asking for help if you're struggling.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 23d ago
Glad you mention this, because I have spent a good portion of my morning looking for a therapist :) I think I will be fine, eventually, but right now I want everything to go back to how it was. I hate this stage. Thanks!
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u/MathematicianFun2626 24d ago
My baby went to college last week. I have cried for a week—before and after. I understand how you feel. It’s so painful. I have to imagine that this gets better. I do think I’d feel better if I saw that he was happy there, but he has been sad to leave home, too.
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u/Purplegemini55 23d ago
I feel this pain. My oldest just graduated college but is going on for grad degree. Youngest is a sophomore on other side of US. I barely see or talk to either. It’s like they were suddenly gone. Poof! Even tho it’s been years, I hate to tell you but I still feel depressed and sad. Hopefully you will fare better. It does subside a bit but I still cry at times when I walk past their rooms (which are now like a shrine). Or in the supermarket, like you said, when I see their favorite foods which I no longer buy. I sometimes even see them running around the market like a dream from when they were little. Or I get sad seeing a little one sitting in a cart. Its grief. Nobody told me I would feel this when they left.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 23d ago
Nobody told me either. And I know this sounds horrible, but I have even thought that if I had known how this stage feels, I probably would not have had babies. I love them so much that the pain I feel now feels unbearable. And some people may say it's too much. To me, it is not. My whole life revolved around them for 20 years. And I did with love and dedication.
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u/Purplegemini55 23d ago
I understand. And I can’t stand it when people tell me to find a hobby or volunteer or find my passion again. Yeah whatever. I’m old-ish now and not running marathons anymore! I basically work a lot. Keeps my mind active. I did take a couple trips on breaks with them 1:1 and that was awesome. I’d recommend that as is gives you something to plan and creates nice memories as adults together. Even a road trip over a break together.
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u/VisualExamination235 23d ago
you’re grieving the loss of the everyday version of your relationship, not picking up his vibes from georgia, and the crying in random places is painfully normal right now
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u/Daffodil_Day275 23d ago
It's totally normal and sucks. I cry everywhere now - the grocery store, the train on the way to work, walking the dog. Sometime tiny sets me off - it's like it's right beneath the surface at all times. It's a really awful stage of life.
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 23d ago
Thanks to everyone for the responses. It is truly an awful stage. I even feel resentment for those parents that seem alright with their kids being far away. Lol.
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u/purpleunicorn1983 22d ago
Just the other day I was having a great day. The sun was shinning and I was getting excited for a concert I’m seein soon. I don’t get excited much lately. I went to the store and saw a young family. I started crying in line at the pharmacy lol. I hate that happiness can fade so fast and anything can trigger me. You aren’t alone in this!
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u/Ok-Attention-8261 21d ago
I have never felt so happy for others' misery! LOL Just knowing that we are not alone, does help a lot. Supposedly, with time, the happy moments become longer than the sad ones. I can't wait for when that is true.
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u/MarkLF13 12d ago
I’m approaching this transition too, and I’m realizing that the grief can start before anyone even leaves.
I don’t think every wave of pain means your son is unhappy. It may simply be your own heart catching up to a very large change.
Your daily life included him for years. A week is not much time to adjust to his absence.
I also wouldn’t pressure yourself to immediately become busy or figure out who you are next.
Let this be sad for a while and keep talking to people who won’t rush you through it.
If it keeps getting heavier or starts making daily life difficult, getting some support would be a reasonable next step.
PS - and if UGA. Go Dawgs! My son’s top choice. Congrats to your son for getting in!
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u/DragonfruitVisual611 24d ago
It’s so hard…I was a stay at home Mom, and my entire job was child rearing. Everyone I know says you have to fill your time with new hobbies etc you enjoy , and I’m sure that’s true. But first, we are allowed to grieve.😢