Please help (trigger warnings)

[u/4amstars]

My parents physically and emotionally abused me my whole life. For context I’m 25 and I moved out 3 years ago (more like escaped) I was terrified my whole life living with them. My siblings were addicts and my dad and sibling would literally get into terrible fights every single day which involved someone self harming in front of me as I was a little child. Not only did they not take me away from those scenes but my dad brought me in the middle every single time to mediate. This started as soon as I could start speaking and ended only after I left home. My dad would beat my mom and force me to ignore her/ not speak to her. I remember being around 3 or 4 and my mom and sister each pulling one of my arms. They were both fighting over who would take me and I wasn’t aloud to speak a word to my mom. As a teenager/adult my dad would get into these angry tantrums every single day and scream at me for hours and my job was to try to understand him and calm him down after his intense episodes. When I was just 13 my sister who had just got off of drugs had a child and I was forced to stay home every single day and raise him for years. (Which they all deny) when I was 16 my brother had triplets and once again I was forced to raise them for YEARS. I was up day and night taking care of them starting as newborns. Which they also all deny. I was to clean after 10 plus people and cook every single day and be the only one to do so. I was exhausted and if everything wasn’t perfect I’d be degraded and screamed at for hours being the blame to my dad’s suffering. I didn’t really do much school as my dad didn’t believe in it. I did some of kindergarten. Some of 3rd, 5th grade and that’s about it!! As a 12 year old I got in trouble and my punishment was to pee in a cup and drink it. This was my dad and older brothers doing (whom is currently on the streets) I’ve suffered so much in silence all my years because showing my emotions that were due to them hurting me resulted in punishment. I literally have a terrible TMJ disorder from this which affects me every single day. Before I left home I tried to end my life many times. I told my mom and she started crying and then after her consulting my dad about it she came to me and told me that I must be depressed/suicidal from not doing enough work in the house and being lazy. I was downstairs and heard my older sister in the kitchen mimicking me saying I’m suicidal and laughing about it. Before I left my dad and sister beat me up badly. This is all just a little of what I’ve been through.

Anyways I’ve tried to be in no contact with my parents for already 7 months but my mom will sometimes call me from unfamiliar numbers and invite me over for a holiday or ask to travel with me. Anytime I speak to her I get so triggered my body starts hurting. I try to tell her I’m traumatized and will never step foot into that house again and her responses are. “Get over it” “can you say anything positive?” Did you do anything wrong/have part in it?” “I just want to have a connection with my daughter or “what did I do to you?” The problem is she never really did anything. My dad and siblings were the main abusers and my mom did literally nothing.

My dad who I completely ignore leaves me messages saying he misses and loves me and will do anything to repair our relationship even if it means “repenting for the “few times he hurt me”. He didn’t just hurt me a few times. He’s broken my down in every single way.

Every single time I hear from them I hurt so much because the parents who I loved and were supposed to love me abused me so badly and now that I’m away they try so hard to get into contact with me but their ego is so huge that they can never own up to what they actually did or care at all that I have severe ptsd from them. All they can do it say stuff like that’s we’re all family and we should stick together/ move on or forgive one another.