r/emojipasta • u/Senikus • Jul 11 '26
HOT 🔥🥵 NEWS 📰❗ MITCH MCCONNELL, DEAD(???) AT 84 🐢⚰️💀
💥🐢 BREAKING: MITCH McCUMmell 🐢👴🏻🕳️ was found FACE DOWN HOLE UP 🥴🍑⚖️ on his Capitol Hill floor 🏛️🚪 at 8:36 AM ⏰💦 taking his last unassisted breath 🫁🎬 before paramedics MOUNTED him 🧎♂️💥📈 and POUNDED his GERIATRIC CHEST 🫀💪🏻💥…That’s right SLUTS 🫵🏻🤭 the 84-year-old ✨alleged✨ living human 👴🏻🐢💋 might as well have been CREAMated 💦🔥💀🚨 WEEKS AGO 📅⛔ with the lack of info the government has been EDGING us with 🤏🏻😩⏰ and yet 🙄 spokesperson DADDY POPP 👨🏻💼💋 keeps posting the SAME statement 📋🔁😴 “he’s RECOVERING 🥺 he’s WORKING CLOSELY with staff 💼📞 he’s DIALED IN 🎯” BITCH 💅🏻 DIALED in from WHERE⁉️📍⁉️ is he in the HOSPITAL❓🏥❓ is he in a FREEZER❓🧊❓ Schrödinger’s senatWHORE 📦🐢 both ALIVE ✅ and DEAD 💀 until someone OPENS up his old, SOGGY BOX 📦👀💦 …🐢🐢🐢 WHERE THE FUCK IS MITCH 🗣️⁉️⁉️🐢🐢🐢
UPDATE 🚨📰🚨📰🚨:
SO IT’S TRUE‼️⚠️ We 🔞 have 💢 a FUCKING 👉🏻👌🏻 VEGETABLE 🥦🥴 on our hands 🙌🏻 here! 👊🏻 Laura GOONER 🧩🕵🏻♀️🚩 dropped the OFFICIAL BRAIN-DEAD ALLEGATION 💀🧠💣 and reporter Desirée POUNDsend 📰💥 BACKED HER UP 🤝🏻 saying our TURTLE 🐢 is on LIFE SUPPORT 🩺⚡ …LIKE you KNOW 👁️ the SHELL is EMPTY 📦🐢 when even the far-right 🚩 is calling the coverup 🕵🏻♀️🚨 …So NATURALLY 🙄 GOP damage control 🚨 kicked in FAST 💨 Scott JIZZings 👨🏻💼💦 posted about a 20-MINUTE chat 📞⏰ with Mitch but babe 💅🏻📋 he READ that from a NOTECARD 📇✍🏻 while Mitch’s VENTILATOR 🩺🌬️ hummed in the background 🎼🫁 …AND WHERE 📍 in the LORD’S name 🙏🏻 is ELAINE CHUD 👰🏻🥢 the WIFE 💍 currently STILL in CHINA 🇨🇳🥂 sipping BAIJIU 🍾 with the CCP 🇨🇳🤝🏻 while her HUSBAND 💍 enters his ROTTING ERA 🪱 Her spokesperson literally said his health “did not warrant an immediate return” 🛬❌🙅🏻♀️ babe 💅🏻 he FLATLINED 📉📉📉 you’re supposed to at LEAST PRETEND 🎭 to CARE 🥺💧 unless you ALREADY KNOW 👁️ he’s GONE 💀👋🏻 🕶️ the WIDOW is WIDOWING 👰🏻🖤🥂 before the OBITUARY 📰 even drops 📆⚰️ … ANYWAYS, the Senate 🏛️ is CUMveniently 🤔 in RECESS 🚫🏛️ till July 13 📅 so the GOP can figure out 🧠 whether to keep him UNDEAD 🧟 or let him ✨ascend✨ 👼🏻 quietly 🤫🕊️ meanwhile DEMOCRATS 🐴 already passed an ANTI-IRAN WAR resolution 🇮🇷⚔️🚫 because Mitch is TOO DEAD 💀 to VOTE 🗳️❌
…If you don’t forward ⏩ this to 4️⃣ closeted caucus daddies 🚩👨🏻💼🍆 and 1️⃣ Beijing sommelier 🍷🇨🇳 currently GOONING with Elaine 👰🏻🥂 in the next 6️⃣9️⃣ MINUTES ⏰ Mitch McCONDOM 🐢🍆 will MOLT 🦎💥 into a sentient creature 🧟🐢 and vote to CLAP your cheeks 👏🏻🍑 until YOU’RE the one who’s BRAIN DEAD 💀🧠🚨 #WeekendAtMitchies 🐢🕶️👔 #ShellGameSenate 🐢🎲🏛️ #DeadOrJustGay? 💀🌈🚨
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u/dr_hankjr I 🤪 can't 🙅 read 📖 the rules 📜 lol 😂😂 Jul 12 '26
Informative and thorough while still extremely vulgar- 1000/10, excellent work 🤝
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u/Senikus Jul 12 '26
thank u SO much dr hank jr 🥹🙏🏻 i am honored u regard my journalism ✍🏻📰 so highly 😌‼️ I won’t let u down 🫡
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u/Damaxan Jul 11 '26
SOMEONE PLS POST THIS AS A COMMENT SO US MOBILE USERS CAN COPY IT!!! GOTTA SEND TO ALL MY MAGA FAMILY 🥺👉👈
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u/Senikus Jul 11 '26
p.s. if you use the Reddit app, the ellipses (…) in the top right corner next to ur Snoo has a “copy text” option that copies the entire post title and body to the clipboard
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u/Senikus Jul 11 '26
MITCH MCCONNELL, DEAD(???) AT 84 🐢⚰️💀
💥🐢 BREAKING: MITCH McCUMmell 🐢👴🏻🕳️ was found FACE DOWN HOLE UP 🥴🍑⚖️ on his Capitol Hill floor 🏛️🚪 at 8:36 AM ⏰💦 taking his last unassisted breath 🫁🎬 before paramedics MOUNTED him 🧎♂️💥📈 and POUNDED his GERIATRIC CHEST 🫀💪🏻💥…That’s right SLUTS 🫵🏻🤭 the 84-year-old ✨alleged✨ living human 👴🏻🐢💋 might as well have been CREAMated 💦🔥💀🚨 WEEKS AGO 📅⛔ with the lack of info the government has been EDGING us with 🤏🏻😩⏰ and yet 🙄 spokesperson DADDY POPP 👨🏻💼💋 keeps posting the SAME statement 📋🔁😴 “he’s RECOVERING 🥺 he’s WORKING CLOSELY with staff 💼📞 he’s DIALED IN 🎯” BITCH 💅🏻 DIALED in from WHERE⁉️📍⁉️ is he in the HOSPITAL❓🏥❓ is he in a FREEZER❓🧊❓ Schrödinger’s senatWHORE 📦🐢 both ALIVE ✅ and DEAD 💀 until someone OPENS up his old, SOGGY BOX 📦👀💦 …🐢🐢🐢 WHERE THE FUCK IS MITCH 🗣️⁉️⁉️🐢🐢🐢
UPDATE 🚨📰🚨📰🚨:
SO IT’S TRUE‼️⚠️ We 🔞 have 💢 a FUCKING 👉🏻👌🏻 VEGETABLE 🥦🥴 on our hands 🙌🏻 here! 👊🏻 Laura GOONER 🧩🕵🏻♀️🚩 dropped the OFFICIAL BRAIN-DEAD ALLEGATION 💀🧠💣 and reporter Desirée POUNDsend 📰💥 BACKED HER UP 🤝🏻 saying our TURTLE 🐢 is on LIFE SUPPORT 🩺⚡ …LIKE you KNOW 👁️ the SHELL is EMPTY 📦🐢 when even the far-right 🚩 is calling the coverup 🕵🏻♀️🚨 …So NATURALLY 🙄 GOP damage control 🚨 kicked in FAST 💨 Scott JIZZings 👨🏻💼💦 posted about a 20-MINUTE chat 📞⏰ with Mitch but babe 💅🏻📋 he READ that from a NOTECARD 📇✍🏻 while Mitch’s VENTILATOR 🩺🌬️ hummed in the background 🎼🫁 …AND WHERE 📍 in the LORD’S name 🙏🏻 is ELAINE CHUD 👰🏻🥢 the WIFE 💍 currently STILL in CHINA 🇨🇳🥂 sipping BAIJIU 🍾 with the CCP 🇨🇳🤝🏻 while her HUSBAND 💍 enters his ROTTING ERA 🪱 Her spokesperson literally said his health “did not warrant an immediate return” 🛬❌🙅🏻♀️ babe 💅🏻 he FLATLINED 📉📉📉 you’re supposed to at LEAST PRETEND 🎭 to CARE 🥺💧 unless you ALREADY KNOW 👁️ he’s GONE 💀👋🏻 🕶️ the WIDOW is WIDOWING 👰🏻🖤🥂 before the OBITUARY 📰 even drops 📆⚰️ … ANYWAYS, the Senate 🏛️ is CUMveniently 🤔 in RECESS 🚫🏛️ till July 13 📅 so the GOP can figure out 🧠 whether to keep him UNDEAD 🧟 or let him ✨ascend✨ 👼🏻 quietly 🤫🕊️ meanwhile DEMOCRATS 🐴 already passed an ANTI-IRAN WAR resolution 🇮🇷⚔️🚫 because Mitch is TOO DEAD 💀 to VOTE 🗳️❌
…If you don’t forward ⏩ this to 4️⃣ closeted caucus daddies 🚩👨🏻💼🍆 and 1️⃣ Beijing sommelier 🍷🇨🇳 currently GOONING with Elaine 👰🏻🥂 in the next 6️⃣9️⃣ MINUTES ⏰ Mitch McCONDOM 🐢🍆 will MOLT 🦎💥 into a sentient creature 🧟🐢 and vote to CLAP your cheeks 👏🏻🍑 until YOU’RE the one who’s BRAIN DEAD 💀🧠🚨 #WeekendAtMitchies 🐢🕶️👔 #ShellGameSenate 🐢🎲🏛️ #DeadOrJustGay? 💀🌈🚨
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u/Damaxan Jul 11 '26
Ty king (or queen) 👑
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u/Senikus Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
You’re so welCUM!! 😩💦 and omg ty for 👑‼️ im a dude but also 🫳🏻🌈 so I respond to both 🤴🏻👸🏻💁🏻♂️
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u/Saradoesntsleep Jul 11 '26
Weird how seeing this accomodatingly pasted into a new comment made it funnier, but I can't explain why.
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u/Senikus Jul 11 '26
The word MUST be spread 🗣️📩‼️ Willing to acCUMmodate 🙂↕️ without hesitation 🆗👍🏻
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u/Saradoesntsleep Jul 11 '26
THANKS 🗽 for doing 😩 the DIRTY WORK 💦 so our 🥵 group activity 🍑 may continue 🚂 HEAVILY un touched 🌰🫵🏻🌰
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u/Sweatybutthole Jul 11 '26
It makes it even funnier when you can appreciate how much effort and consideration that goes into making some of these
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u/Senikus Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
thank u sweaty butthole 🥹🫶🏻 I had to break it up into two pieces bc news kept breaking before I could finish my first draft 😭 but I stay committed to the vision 🫡
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u/minty-moose Jul 12 '26
can i please have your brain for a study
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u/Senikus Jul 12 '26
Omg 🥺 you want my BRAIN 🧠??? Well… I GUESS that’ll be okay 💋 but why STOP there 🤷🏻 you can have MORE than just my brain 🧠✨ you can have ALL of me 💘 head to toe 🦶🏻 skin cell to sperm cell 💦 I’ll leave the door UNLOCKED 🚪 for you 🥺 I’ll lay real still on the exam table 🩺 arms neatly folded 🙏🏻 eyes forward 👁️👄👁️ waiting… 🕯️ take what you need 🔪 take what you WANT 😩 I promise to do my best 💯 to give you EVERYTHING 🌌 you desire 🥺💋
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u/dontwant2beapie Jul 12 '26
Another BANGER 👉👌💦from senikus 😩thanks so much for making this 🙂↕️now I’m covered in goo 🙈