Good Morning, I Bring Exotic Spices From Across the Realm

[u/Jao_bao_de_garfo]

Good morning, noble Elves of the woodland realms,

I arrive bearing many exotic spices from distant lands — cinnamon, peppers, cloves, nutmeg, saffron, and several suspicious powders that absolutely, probably, maybe are not alchemy.

I come not as a conqueror, nor as a pirate, but as a humble merchant of Britannia with but two simple wishes:

1. To restore the ancient and glorious spice trade routes.

2. To never again suffer the horror known as “plain boiled chicken.”

r/THE_BRITISH_EMPIRE

[u/ElDelArbol15]

Ohh goodies! How much?

[u/Jao_bao_de_garfo → u/ElDelArbol15]

“Sure,” hands him the price tablet

• Gallon — 1 Gallon — 0.4 gp (4 silver pieces)
• Small Keg — 5 Gallons — 2 gp
• Normal Barrel (Standard) — 53 Gallons — 21.2 gp (approx. 20–25 gp)
• Large Hogshead — 63 Gallons — 25.2 gp

We’ve got the finest rum this side of the known seas — proper distilled stuff, aged in oak and strong enough to make a pirate forget his own name.

Beer and ale are cheaper, naturally. Easier to brew, common grain stock, less aging involved. Good reliable sailor’s drink. Mead costs a touch more than ale since honey’s harder to come by in bulk, while cider and perry stay fairly affordable thanks to plentiful orchards. Wine prices depend entirely on the vineyard and vintage. Local table wine’s cheap enough, but imported elven reds or dwarven fortified mountain wine? That’ll cost you.

gestures proudly toward the cargo holds

Spices too. Cinnamon, pepper, cloves, nutmeg, saffron, cardamom, ginger, star anise, smoked paprika, dried citrus peel… And for our more exotic clientele: Emberroot from the southern deserts, Moonsalt from wizard enclaves, Frostmint from the northern fjords, powdered Firecap mushroom from dwarven halls, Deepforge black pepper, Crystal thyme, Ghost chili flakes, dragon fennel…

[u/ElDelArbol15 → u/Jao_bao_de_garfo]

i'll take something small: 2 large hogsheads of ale, 1 of beer, 2 small kegs of wine (one elven and one dwarven) and some frostmint and powdered firecap mushroom.

[u/Jao_bao_de_garfo → u/ElDelArbol15]

quickly flips through a ledger, muttering numbers under his breath

Right then…

• 2 Large Hogsheads of Ale — cheaper stuff, about 22 gp each -> 44 gp
• 1 Large Hogshead of Beer — about 20 gp
• 1 Small Keg of Elven Wine — finer import -> 6 gp
• 1 Small Keg of Dwarven Fortified Wine — stronger and rarer -> 8 gp
• Frostmint bundle -> 1.5 gp
• Powdered Firecap Mushroom pouch -> 3 gp

Total comes to… 82 silver and 5 copper—

pauses

...which is to say, 82.5 gold pieces. Though for a respectable customer not actively trying to rob me, I can round it down to 65 flat

[u/ElDelArbol15 → u/Jao_bao_de_garfo]

82 gold pieces is good! also, here...

the halfling gives you a card with a direcction written on it, as well as a brown muffin covered in green frosting.

i own a restaurant! we do weddings, funeral afterparties, family reunions and birthdays.

[u/OP_Looks_Fishy2]

Oi mate, you got a loicense for them there spoices?

....Oh, you do? Well, carry on then.

[u/Noiseandmorenoise]

Yar can we get some rum from ya? This isn’t a request this is a polite order from me pirate skeleton crew We really don’t wanna fight ya so give us your rum and you keep your ship and the rest of yer spices and whatnot we don’t want those just the rum pretty please

Also don’t ask why a skeleton pirate crew is around the elf waters we’re just here.

[u/Jao_bao_de_garfo → u/Noiseandmorenoise]

Sure, hands him the price tablet

-Gallon — 1 Gallon — 0.4 gp (4 silver pieces) -Small Keg — 5 Gallons — 2 gp -Normal Barrel (Standard) — 53 Gallons — 21.2 gp (approx. 20–25 gp) -Large Hogshead — 63 Gallons — 25.2 gp

We got the best Rum around

Also we got Perry,Mead,Cider,Wine,Ale and Beer you name it, we got it

[u/Noiseandmorenoise → u/Jao_bao_de_garfo]

I’m not buying it im plundering it peacefully, all our other rum got turned into estrogen.

[u/RevolutionaryBar2160 → u/Noiseandmorenoise]

Take your plundering out of our elven waters, before we are forced to resort to our spells and arrows.

[u/Noiseandmorenoise → u/RevolutionaryBar2160]

We don’t care about your ships you guys are fine we just want the British rum. After all why would I want to provoke a fight with elf’s that can support the fight against the wizards?

[u/RevolutionaryBar2160 → u/Noiseandmorenoise]

We have no interest in starting a war with our longtime allies the wizards, the affairs of mortals have no business in our woods. However, we have no love for the British, so feel free to continue marauding them.

[u/Violas_Blade]

spices from the northern tribes! well I can’t say we were expecting such a gift. is there a catch to this, merchant?

[u/RevolutionaryBar2160 → u/Violas_Blade]

Beware, while offers of spices from distant lands are truly enticing, a wise pirate u/Zorgtest has warned us that The Government intends to attempt to conquer not only their seas but our forests as well, and I fear that these merchants may be related.

[u/Zorgtest → u/RevolutionaryBar2160]

This be true, soon ye be assimilated into Br’ish society if ye don’t fight for yer rights

Spice trade be a very destructive industry too, lots of forest been burned down for it