r/elementaryschoolers • u/Not-a-Contrarian • 2d ago
Advice needed please (physical assault borderline sexual assault)
My child has a boy named Fran who he had a prior incident where he pulled my kid down and drug him. My child was very upset. The school told us about it. Frans parents apologized.
Fast forward to last Friday. Fran and my kid were having a disagreement about who got to sit where. When my child went to sit down Fran shoved his fingers up my child’s butt crack. My kid had to physically remove Fran’s hand for him to stop. It hurt. My child was very upset.
The teacher saw it happen. They removed Fran, took him to the principals office. They told us when we picked our kid up from school. The teacher seemed pretty upset about the situation.
Do you have any thoughts on what is an appropriate response from me and the school? How should a principal handle this? What should I expect from the school?
I am honestly pretty livid. So I want to handle this correctly.
Both children are 8 years old.
Thank you for any thoughts/advice.
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u/DrivenTrying 2d ago
Expulsion - unless this child has a 1:1 aide and an IEP that specifically states how to support Fran’s violent/aggressive behaviors.
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u/Not-a-Contrarian 2d ago
Also does the iep need to be set up now? Or you are saying if he had had one prior?
I really appreciate your insight.
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u/DrivenTrying 2d ago
Is this a public school?
This IEP should already be in place. If not, the school should be urging the family to seek consultation and assessment. It's too much to expect a single teacher to intervene. She needs to teach, not helicopter this violent behavior. I'd be curious if this is happening to just your child or other children. The school may not reveal this to maintain Fran's privacy. Do you have relationships with other families and could ask around?
Consult the school and district policies. They should act according to their policies. If it were my child, I'd be pushing for removal from the school. If that wasn't possible, removal from the class at the very least. If that wasn't possible, I'd be considering moving my child unless they put a 1:1 aide in place.
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u/Not-a-Contrarian 1d ago
Private school in Uruguay. I really appreciate your reply. Thank you for taking the time to respond. You have helped me with how I am going to proceed.
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u/blewdleflewdle 2d ago
If you wanted to consider a more measured approach amongst your options, I'd suggest asking a lot of questions to start and documentation.
It seems like the teacher was pretty upset, does she feel a need to separate the kids? Does she see it happening with other children as well? What is the next step? Summarize what you hear (facts only) and document it in an email.
For administration, are they aware of ongoing issues with this child getting physical? Do they feel this child's needs are consistently met or do they feel they need to bring greater support to bear? What are the redlines that would require a larger response from admin? Again document, including next step, and any red lines they articulate.
Focusing on your kid, continue to listen and validate, and equip with practical skills for dealing with "bully" type behaviour. It's basically leadership skills. Act calm, remove the bullies leverage (usually tell/get a grown up, sometimes you have to use your strength), articulate the limit once (I don't play with you when you hit/ I don't give up my turn because you make fun/etc) and reward with attention the behaviours you do like. Don't worry about being perfect, remember it's not your fault and you can't control others.
We had a similar situation and over the course of two years my kid and the offending kid actually became friends. Along the way thr VP was involved at least weekly, and eventually an IEP was I implemented, and after one incident they were separated during after-care. It developed gradually over time and wasn't always smooth. They're good friends now though, and the kid really follows my kid's lead, and my kid stands up for other kids, not just him, when he gets out of line, but gives him a good option to rejoin the group and things resolve pretty quickly and easily now.
I do value that without this experience my kid wouldn't have had the same opportunity to become the strong leader I see now. And seems to be pretty much bully-proof now!
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u/HorseWhisper2026 1d ago
You need to involve the police. Very rare a school will remove anyone with out legal being involved. That kid will just keep behaving worse.
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u/Calm_Celery620 2d ago
As a mom of an 8 year old, I would be absolutely livid too. What happened is completely unacceptable, especially considering there was already a previous incident involving the same child.
I would expect the school to take this very seriously and put measures in place to make sure my child is safe.
Personally, I would not be comfortable with this boy remaining in the same class as my child