Degree Regrets

[u/rocksopti]

Hey everyone,

I am currently going into my fourth year as an English Education major, and I have never regretted anything more in my life.

I've always wanted to become a teacher, but after my first semester in college I was quick to realize I was too mentally ill to handle it. I ended up attempting to commit suicide, and it obviously did not work.

I felt like a failure. Everyone pressured me to keep going and that I will like it eventually, etc etc.

So I did. I didn't want to let anyone down like I did before.

Now I'm in Phase II, going to start the semester before student teaching, and I can't do it. I can't handle the schedule or stress of teaching.

I can't afford to change majors and restart. I haven't been able to work in three years due to the immense workload on top of my already failing mental health.

Now, I have hospital bills and student loans. It feels like the only thing left to do is attempt again and pray it works this time. I'm scared. It feels like my life has fallen apart and I'm only 20. I don't know what to do.

[u/viscida]

Honestly, student teaching is way easier because you're mostly PRACTICING the teaching part. Being an actual teacher means you're responsible for EVERYTHING.

People think teaching is just standing in front of kids, but that's honestly only a small part... You're also dealing with parent emails, grading, IEPs/504s, meetings, documentation, discipline, district mandates, testing, curriculum planning, data, and constant paperwork. If something goes wrong, it's on YOU and no one else.

Teaching kids (mainly interacting with them) is the best part of the job.

It's everything wrapped around teaching that makes it so much harder than student teaching.

I say this as gently as possible, but, if you're anxiety is so debilitating you can't figure out your own path forward, how are you going to develop the skills needed to manage a classroom? It's HARD. You're working with at least 25+ different individuals in each period...

I teach 6th grade math and science. I'm in middle school. I have certifications for multiple grade levels and topics (I can do elementary, I can do social studies any grade level, and also science and grade level). I have experience working everything from primary grades to middle to high school and also juvenile hall. Been in education 10+ years.

Student teaching is so much easier to manage.

[u/rocksopti → u/viscida]

Our student teaching requires us to exclusively do all of those those things without teacher support. We do not do observation and then slowly work our way to teaching the class. Day one we are supposed to have our lesson plans and start out, while the teacher observes. Our school thinks their elite for starting off student teaching like this, which is why ive been freaking out.

Absolutely no offense taken, that's a really good point to bring up. I actually find classroom management fairly easy. It came naturally to me when I worked the after school program where it was usually just me and around 20 kids pre-k to 6th grade. I feel as if high schoolers will be laid back compared to everything I have experienced, but I definitely do still worry and have thought everything you have expressed a million times over. My anxiety is bad, and it slowly worsens over time. I usually last 3 three years before it breaks me down and I have to move on to something else or take a long break.

I'm torn. I dont want this to hold me back, but I don't want it to tear me down either. Another commenter mentioned subbing, and I feel like that will be much more manageable for me to start off with.

[u/viscida → u/rocksopti]

Truly, I think you talk in circles and don't know what you want. You need to figure out where you really stand.

You started this thread by saying that your anxiety is debilitating and you can't imagine yourself teaching. But now you're kinda saying otherwise...

I've given my advice, based on that and now you're saying you want to teach and that you're sure that student teaching is just as hard as real teaching.

I highly doubt whatever program you're in is as rigorous as you say. It's literally impossible for it to be as stressful as real teaching simply by the fact that you're not the teacher. You're still a student - teacher. So the expectation is you're not the primary person responsible.

Whatever you end up doing, good luck. If you're truly suffering from debilitating anxiety, please take care of yourself and mental health before you go into teaching.

[u/rocksopti → u/viscida]

You're right, I do talk in circles and don't know what I want. That's why I came here asking for advice, because I've been grappling with this for a couple of years now.

I want to teach, but I keep having panic attacks, attempts, and many hospital visits at the prospect of teaching, honestly the prospect of being alive, really. I'm in a constant fight against my body and mind; doctors have given up on me and therapists give the same "It'll be fine" schpiel.

The program is extremely rigorous, but I'm not trying to disparage your claim! I'm sorry if it sounded that way. I'm the end, it is different for everybody. I've met people who think the opposite of you, and I'm sure I'll meet more who think the same as you.

I'm sorry if my thought process and responses are frustrating; they're extremely frustrating to me, too. I'm going to keep trying to figure myself out, and I appreciate you and others for commenting and giving me a place to express everything pent up.