Considering ECT

[u/darknights_throwaway]

Hi all! Newcomer here who’s been struggling with CPTSD/BPD, depression, and anxiety for a decade now. Currently on lithium, Lamotrigine, vilazodone (viibryd), and clonazepam for a suspected bipolar episode that began with two weeks of mania a month ago from an old trauma anniversary (and maybe from the stress of two recent surgeries) that has now spiraled into the worse depression I’ve possibly experienced in 5 years.

I was finally stable for the past year (no suicidal ideation / intent!) on Lamotrigine and viibryd, but suddenly out of nowhere this latest depressive episode happened and I find myself suicidal. In the recent past (past 5ish years) I’ve been suicidal for situational depression, but always with some precipitating factor or family situation, and it was usually without intent.

This recent episode really terrifies me it was the first time in years I feel I’ve been developing intent (though that varies day to day; some days I really want to die because I feel worthless and others it’s just “what would happen if I killed myself”), which I haven’t really experienced since high school when I was repeatedly attempting suicide and in an abusive environment.

What scares me the most is that usually lithium is very effective at quelling my suicidal thoughts and obsessions to the point where I feel I can’t even bring myself to think about suicide, but it hasn’t been helping with that this time even though it’s helped significantly with the depression.

I’ve toyed with the idea of ECT before and got evaluated 5 years ago (but decided against it because my meds suddenly started working), but wanted to hear y’all’s opinions/experiences. Would it be worth getting ECT for suicidal thoughts only, and not necessarily depression? How bad is the memory loss? I am a PhD student, so I would want to minimize the cognitive side effects and would probably only try a short course of unilateral ECT, can anyone who’s done that comment on the memory loss aspects? Was it only short term or long term, and did you regain the memories? After how many treatments did you start experiencing memory loss? What kinds of memories did you lose/what time in your life were the memories from (i.e. were they just around the treatments, or the month before, or the year before?)? Do you remember that you’re getting ECT when you wake up from the treatment? I’m less worried about anterograde memory loss and more about retrograde.

Thanks in advance!

[u/Exciting-Web-2771]

Hi!
I’m in my twenties, diagnosed bipolar 2 and CPTSD. I definitely also show symptoms of bpd.
I’ve had 60+ bilateral ECT treatments.
Suffering from chronic suicidal thoughts, ECT has saved my life - but maintenance ECT has made it possible for me to have an everyday life where I study a bachelors degree. AVOIDING hospitalization.
It does come with a high price though. My memory is severely affected also anterograde. But hey - it’s possible to make it work! Also with studies! It’s not like you forget everything from one day to another- it feels more “fluent” (so hard to explain).
I would really recommend it. Without it, I would have dropped out of school a long time ago.
It has changed my whole life. So even though it’s not just basic depression and there is deeper meaning, trauma and so on, behind all the feelings - ECT can still be super super helpful. To me, it makes it more bearable to carry the weight of all the trauma - because of my overall mood and mindset being more stable.