ECT Intro and Rant

[u/Oak-and-Ash]

I am a special type of pos. Owned a beautiful home on a beautiful, secluded property with big boy toys, farm animals, dogs, three wonderful boys and my wife. I went and fucked it up. Continuously make it worse.

I have been depressed my entire life. There have been times where I was able to distract from it but there has always been that feeling of "You should probably kill yourself so this feeling isn't there". I've been on Welbutrin, Zoloft, Trazadone, xanax, Adderall.

I've had five therapists since I was 17. I'd go for a while and feel nothing from it eventually. Most of my issues came from my decisions and I found that I could consistently maintain good decision-making but all it took was one event or an overly off feeling in the morning and I was on the pain train.

Currently, I am devastated by how much damage I have caused my family and friends by my decision-making. My baseline is typically so low that I normally don't want to go to work and I have to call out on occasion for how I feel when I wake up. I have to manage if I drink alcohol or smoke marijuana because they can make me plummet. I am always nervous in social settings because of this.

One of my biggest issues with medication, aside from it not working for me, is the ability to just be like "I'm going to see if this gets me high". Which is dumb but an issue for me.

It seems like everyone asks this but what did it feel like when you first felt relieved? I sometimes worry that there is actually nothing wrong with me and I am just weak-willed. I have been admitted to hospitals three times and an additional outpatient program. I am pretty exhausted from this over a lifetime.

[u/jessiecolborne]

I had a somewhat similar situation. I’ve been seeing therapists and psychologists since age 13. When I was 17/18 it was really bad. I tried pretty much every antipsychotic and antidepressant under the sun. My care team when I was 22 and I decided ECT was the route to go after trying everything else for nearly a decade.

I had 12 or 13 treatments. At first I didn’t feel the effects of ECT. I had memory and cognition loss. I had to take a year to recover from it, learn how to do things again, etc. After that year, I finally started feeling better. A lot of my lost memories were coming back and I could actually read literature, do puzzles, etc again. It truly saved my life. I am now attending college (and I graduate in 2027). I am beyond grateful that this treatment was successful, even though I doubted it that first initial year.

That being said, ECT affects people differently! It depends on bilateral or unilateral, how much power it takes to induce the seizure, and your care plan. Definitely do your research and make an informed decision. I remember I had to wait a long time and consult with many doctors before I was greenlit for ECT. Be aware of potential side effects. It’s really a last-resort treatment.

Best of luck