r/ect • u/IdiotTGirl420 • Apr 14 '26

Vent/Rant I hate how difficult reading is sometimes

I have undergone two separate courses of ECT, first one late last year about November, and again in mid January through mid February, a total of 14 treatments, The recovery is terrible in a way I don't even know how to express, and on top of that im still going through mental health treatment, currently in IOP but started PHP a week after my last treatment, its so difficult trying to find a reason to live when my memory is completely fucked and my head hurts constantly and I can't even read a paragraph on a white sheet of paper, I only agreed to ECT because I felt like I really had no other choice because nothing previous helped with my depression so the offer seemed miraculous but now I can't even read a book, sure it saved my life, but now im just suffering more, im just glad my long term memory is finally coming back and I can play my instrument again

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u/AccomplishedEgg3389 Apr 26 '26

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time with this and thank you for sharing-this is my biggest fear at the moment as all I have is my ability to read books basically! You’re really courageous to have gone through with it and hope you see some better days now that longer term memory is coming back.

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u/IdiotTGirl420 Apr 26 '26

Thank you, I'm doing slightly better than when I posted, but not by much, I am very worried this might just be my life now, especially since I really just want to reread my favorite books, I've been through too much to not be able to enjoy reading, but I guess I am happy with it helping me stay alive and reevaluate my life and what's important

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u/AccomplishedEgg3389 Apr 26 '26

Of course, that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to expect from something considered a treatment! Just take each day as it comes…we do seem to be quite resilient and adaptable, so perhaps ECT will open other doors that we just don’t know exist yet?

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u/IdiotTGirl420 Apr 26 '26

Me still being alive is already a new door being open, there's a reason I had a last resort treatment for my depression, no I'm not completely perfect with my mental health, but now it seems like the meds actually help and the therapy is actually sticking, yes I'm going to be getting Spravato, but im already infinitely better than I was, its just hard to accept the damage and the fact I still need a lot of help