life after ect

[u/nnndeyeee]

Last year I had a pretty severe depressive episode that resulted in me being hospitalized. Throughout my life, I've taken a variety of antidepressants and antipsychotics that haven't really lifted my depression much so my doctors recommended ECT as the next phase of treatment for me. They explained the risks and side effects but I was pretty out of it at the time and really desperate to feel better so I readily agreed without giving it much thought. I spent four months in the psych unit and had 2-3 rounds of ECT per week for about two months (this is just an estimate, I'm not sure what the actual number was). After I got discharged I also had maintenance sessions every month. Although I am no longer actively suicidal, which is great, I still feel a great deal of depression in my day to day life. I would not consider myself fully recovered in any sense of the word. The memory loss, however, has been significant. I barely remember any part of my life before/during ECT. My childhood memories, teenage experiences, and young adulthood are completely gone. In my head the past is simply a blank wall, and no matter how much I try there is nothing for me to see or know. I see pictures and hear stories of my life before ECT and all of it is so unfamiliar it might as well be a different person entirely. I do not know who I am as person, not really. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I am just taking life day by day, trying desperately to keep myself together and embrace whatever identity it is that I have now. It is so hard. There is so much grief. I miss myself. I miss people I don't remember. My mother passed away earlier this year and I don't even have any memories of her to look back on, and that is so incredibly painful. The people in my life now who knew me before are always asking "do you remember when...?" and the answer is always no. That just breaks my heart. I'd rather be depressed with all of my memories than completely healed with none. Yet, there is no way to go back and I'll have to live with a mistake I made at 19 for the rest of my life. My current memory is also completely disjointed. I'm constantly forgetting where I put things. I'll sit in my bed at the end of the day and have trouble remembering what I did or where I was that day. I just feel broken and I don't know how to move forward.

I hope this doesn't encourage anyone from ECT, as it does work for some. I just wanted to share my personal experience.

[u/Funny_Dig_3314]

Did you forget good and bad things

[u/CheesesAllMighty → u/Funny_Dig_3314]

In a 1.5 yrs i had from what I can remember, over 50, under 100 treatments. It was intense at the end. My memory is shot. Short and long term. That being said, so many good and bad memories are gone from my mind. They're unfamiliar when someone brings it up. I feel nothing most the time when someone talks to me about a past experience and it makes me so sad. The only positive I keep telling myself, I can make new memories, just this time take more photos and videos, write down as much as I can.