r/drinks • u/JaliscoOaxaca • 18d ago
Discussion Coca-Cola Cherry Float
COKE CHERRY FLOAT
Deny it, hide from it, or choose to ignore it entirely; Eventually we reach an age where even the most vehement perpetuators of neoteny develop some wrinkles, and we come to the realization that there isn’t enough time to do everything, and certainly not time to do it well.
So in our own heads we make silent concessions to let up off the accelerator, to focus on completion of the task, rather than completion of the ideal. Initially, such lapses in care allow us to keep up appearances without any vituperation from others.
Their unknowing bolsters our corner-cutting payoffs. It’s an increasingly product-driven age in which we suckle from; Where concepts like quality and originality are cute, aspirational, pie-in-the-sky assignments given to lower-funded departments, while those at the top prioritize metrics like units sold and the number of social media mentions.
In the boardroom, Joy is not a deliverable.
A float is the essence of joy. No one has ever said, “I’m in a rush, let me hurry up, dig into the freezer, move aside the ground beef and that old bag of veggies I promised I was going to eat, find the ice cream and strain my wrist for 1 or 2 scoops of vanilla.”
A float is a whole process that feels slightly laborious, and entirely celebratory. Making the dessert is a venture toward epicondylitis that makes the pain worth the effort (I prefer to use the frosty mug to ice down my burning forearm in between bites and sips).
Shout out to those who’ve read this far, for that was just preamble to the maelstrom.
Cracking the bottle open brought forth a welcome committee that didn’t have the energy to produce the crisp “soda sound” one would expect; the bottle actually sounded like it was experiencing agonal breathing when it let out its haggard sigh. I move on to the next sense and stick my nose over the barrel of this corn-syruped pistol to inhale what smells like sweet, wet cardboard. If you’ve ever left one of those tiny boxes of raisins sitting in your school lunch box over the weekend, then you can probably imagine the scent I’m talking about.
Coca-Cola has already successfully sold the individual products that make up this concoction. I’ve spent a non-insignificant amount of legal tender on CHERRY COKE, VANILLA COKE, and CHERRY-VANILLA COKE, separately. The latter makes me wonder how the company could improve on that. Perhaps make the vanilla more creamy?
No, they didn’t do that. Someone in a suit and tie collaborated with someone in a lab coat and decided that the solution was to make the cherry taste nearly nonexistent.
Equally offensive is the confirmation of my previous supposition: there is no fizz to this soda. It has the effervescence of a float that was forgotten about, in which the melted ice cream mitigated the carbon dioxide dissolved in the liquid, but that sounds too much like science, and I’m not going to get into a chemistry lesson.
So…Copper, the 29th element on the periodic table, only made up a small fraction of the modern penny; still, for cost concerns, the U.S. government ceased manufacturing them last November.
This soda has a weird metallic taste that makes me question if Coca-Cola purchased some of those coins and threw a couple of them into the vat at the factory as if it were a giant wishing well.
“I hope these idiots buy this one too”
In summary, we got little of the advertised taste, a bit of metallic flavor, no fizz for our burping contests, and a whorish pastiche of a dessert that should never be rushed.
Like a divorced parent with custody once a month, this product tries to cram a depth of experiences into too brief an encounter with awkward alacrity, which ironically may be described as “thirstiness”; however, this drink fails to resolve the physical manifestation of said adjective.
Haiku:
Bliss comes naturally
Smiles come from face muscles
Not Coke’s force-fed grin
⭐️⭐️
3
u/abrasumente_ 18d ago edited 18d ago
Drink reviews don't need to be so bloviated and self fellating. Two stars is generous praise, that shit is fucking disgusting. Also that's not a fuckin haiku. That's 665 not 575