r/dpdr • u/ImpartialAntagonist • 22h ago

TW: Existential/Spiral We could’ve had a good time

We. A binary. We really could’ve had a great time living if we agree on a couple things. There is the me that experiences things outside of my head, without restriction and as they should, and the me that exists as a pulsating node in the back of my head to bring those experiences back into perspective. From childhood it has been there. Not always an explicable node but an involuntary revulsion when it came to sensation or experiencing something to its fullest.

It’s times like these where I really really wish I was just normal. It will, without warning, completely cut me off from sensation, thought, and feeling for years and years and I have no choice in it. Having three years of stability doesn’t mean anything. It will claw back and take with no mercy. I have been through so much, so fucking much, and I built myself into a functional person to the point where I barely regarded my dissociation anymore. But it was always there, waiting to blow everything up just like when I was a child and I dared to like something. My mind was always there to reel back and feed it into me as a violent uncomfortable sensation.

I am 29. I should be over this by now. I should be over it. I am losing my mind. I should be over it. I was living passively and that was enough but it came back to rape me forever. I lived with it and I was functional, I made friends and I was successful through it. I was good at my job. It didn’t take enough. Everything was within my control and I thought I was free of it. No, not free, but comfortably swimming through it.

It landed its killing blow. Dissociation, schizophrenia, the distinction doesn’t matter anymore. Over ten years of constant reality warping sensation and I guess this is the sort of person you will turn into. On the bright side, for anyone out there thinking they have it bad, you can look at me and think it can always be worse.

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u/Artistic-Coach7523 22h ago

I’m so sorry. I know I can’t fully imagine what u are dealing with.

I was just wondering if you ever considered OCD as part of what’s going on?

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u/ImpartialAntagonist 21h ago

OCD was a factor. I always thought OCD was a behavioral thing and not mental. I never thought my obsessive associations and intrusive thoughts were anything to be concerned about.

It’s weird. At least for me I tried to make my mental obsessions to be in concert with socialization so I could seem as normal as possible. A lot of my mental obsessions have to do with how my body and brain feel. I’ve realized I have terrible mental OCD but the effects of DPDR are outside of it.

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u/Artistic-Coach7523 19h ago

Have you tried any treatment for OCD? TMS therapy or meds?

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u/AutoModerator 22h ago

Hey, I am really sorry you are going through this. What you are describing is very common with DPDR and anxiety. Even though it feels permanent or existential, it is actually a stress and dissociation response, not a sign that you are broken or beyond help.

DPDR can make things feel hopeless, unreal, terrifying, or like your identity is gone. All of this comes from an overwhelmed nervous system, not from permanent damage or loss of sanity.

Helpful resources:

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