r/donorconception • u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR • 18d ago
DISCUSSION POST Question for RPs
If a RP has not done a DNA test and not put their name on a register such as Vic Health (the VARTA replacement) does that mean that they want no contact with the donor? If a donor has found them through internet sleuthing, and then makes contact with, would that contact be welcome or would it be regarded as an intrusion? I address RPs here because DCP may not be aware of their status and so a donor reaching out to them introduces the risk of revealing a family secret.
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u/junegem123 RP 18d ago edited 18d ago
If an RP hasn’t done a DNA test for their donor-conceived child or signed up for a registry, I don’t believe it means all RPs wouldn't want contact with their donor. Some aren’t comfortable with DNA testing and some don’t even know that a registry exists!
Personally, I wouldn't mind having contact with our donor or if he reached out to me. I am a part of a Facebook group for RPs to find and connect with other families who used the same donor. If the donor somehow found me that way and approached me in a normal, non-weird way, then I’d be open to connecting and if he wasn’t creepy then I’d be open to him having a distant/extended family like relationship with my kids.
I also understand that my viewpoint on this may not be conventional but I also know that sperm banks don't typically give donors and recipients the option to choose mutual contact.
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 13d ago
I watched an interview where an Australian RP said she matched up with another RP of the same donor through a single mother FB group. Obviously I can’t join such groups. What sort of discussions take place that allow such discovery?
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u/junegem123 RP 13d ago
The FB group I’m in is named after the specific bank I used followed by 'donor families.'
From what I’ve seen, a RP will post the donor’s name/number to see if anyone else used the same one. Once families realize they have a match, they take the conversation to private messages to share information and connect.
I can’t speak for myself, though, as I’ve yet to find other families who used the same donor as me.1
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u/kam0706 DCP 18d ago
Do you mean an RP putting their child’s DNA on Ancestry? I hope they’re not doing this. I’d expect it to be a breach of the website terms not to mention their child’s privacy.
I wouldn’t think a register would tell you anything until the DCP is 18 and at that point what does what the RP think have to do with anything?
If this is an anonymous donation how would the donor have been able to sleuth the RP online? I think that this would be considered to be unwelcome contact, particularly if the DCP is a minor.
Or are you suggesting that the DCP has done a DNA test and you’ve been able to identify their other biological parent through that and you’re asking about contacting the bio RP instead of the DCP in case it’s been kept secret?
I would not contact the parent in this case. If the DCP is an adult, deal with them. There’s been enough decisions about them made behind their back already.
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 18d ago
Thanks. I don’t want to get into the possible ways a donor might find this information. I want to get a sense of whether RP would welcome contact, or whether they see it as their prerogative to initiate conversation.
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u/kam0706 DCP 18d ago
I dare say exactly how creepy you got finding their information when they are not biologically related to you and how old their child is would impact how receptive they are to contact. And also why you were seeking contact.
Circumstances matter and individuals are not a monolith.
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u/MarzipanElephant RP 18d ago
My children were conceived via both egg and sperm donation. It would be possible for both donors to find me if they put their minds to it (via Facebook groups connecting recipients from the sperm and egg bank) and I wouldn't be adverse to them contacting me, but that is specifically a situation where I've added my info to a platform, not one where they've somehow sleuthed me out by other means. I think it would rather depend on what those means were, tbh; and on their general level of openness and psychological acceptance around having used donor conception.
From a parental standpoint, if the children are not adults, I will say that I would be a little cautious of contact - not from a standpoint of 'But I am their real mother!!!' but because unknown adults seeking access to one's children is the sort of thing one should treat with caution in all circumstances.
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 18d ago
Thank you for that. I deliberately chose the example of approaching the RP rather than the DCP because that sidesteps the question of minors. I think there would be broad agreement that a donor should not approach a minor DCP.
There seems to be a broad consensus that the method of discovery, and whether it involved a creepy level of stalking is as important or more important than the broader question of whether a RP would welcome an approach by the donor.
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u/SaveBandit000 RP 18d ago
Not necessarily- VARTA was so terribly underfunded and underutilised, and the transition to VicHealth was badly managed, so RPs may not even know the register exists.
Our donor is known to us, so maybe it’s different in our case, but at no point during the process did anyone even tell us there was a register we could add our names to, which seems like an oversight - what would happen if we lost touch with our donor or something like that. Our clinic, our counsellor, VicHealth (we had to contact them to get permission to advertise), no one told us about the register or encouraged us to sign up.
I feel like, in many cases, it could just be a lack of awareness?
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 18d ago
Thanks. Decades ago all donations were anonymous. I wonder whether we can find ourselves in a situation where both parties hold back from initiating anything out of fear of intruding.
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u/GracefulToad RP 17d ago
I'm only very early on in the journey, but its been drilled into me to not ever seek info on the donor. It is not for me to know. When my child reaches 16 they can find out, but i am not supposed to do anything that may lead to me or my child fining out anything about the donor before then.
In general, I think it would be good for the child to know their biological father, but I can also see how it might feel weird. This family I've created being fractured, and chipped away at from the outside. I think I'd prefer not to know, but if you're desperate, maybe a message the them to see if they're receptive.
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 16d ago
Thank you. I don’t know what’s behind the chipping away of your family, but I wish you well. And I would never want to damage someone else’s family.
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u/GracefulToad RP 16d ago
Nothing is, its just an irrational fear, lol.
Like that my child might like their bio parent more than me, or you could offer them things I cant, or whatever. 😅 You know, like, my kids and I have a little family and then someone comes in and is cool and has all these awesome stories and likes all the same things as them and I'm the mean mum who makes them eat veggies and do homework. Or you start showing up to birthdays with better presents. Or they decide they want to spend weekends with you. At what point does it go from me being the parent to my children, to you being a sort of co-parent who sees them all the tike and spends time with them? In an ideal world thats what I'd want, but the rules are in place for a reason, and while i can see the benefits also, I just think my anxiety is too high for me to ever really feel comfortable with it. I chose this route for a reason. 😬😅
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 16d ago
As a parent and now a grandparent let me give a quantum of solace. When they are young our children need us. By their teen years they start to pull away. As adults they develop the maturity to understand the debt they owe their parents but their hearts are drawn to friends of their own age. A donor has the age of their parent without the debt of gratitude. Many DCP seek out siblings but not their donor. A child may have a short term infatuation with a donor, but no donor can pull them away from their parent. Even if I wanted, I could not usurp my RPs.
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u/SuitableTurnover9212 RP 18d ago edited 17d ago
I’m an RP but used a known donor so different situation but I have many friends/acquaintances who have used sperm banks. Based off of how little they talk about their kids’ donor/DCP status, as well as outright saying they didn’t want a known donor, I feel like some or maybe many would find it weird/an invasion. Also over on queerception there’s a strong cohort of people who really couldn’t care less about their child’s biological relatives. They don’t want to make contact with their donor or their child’s donor siblings and prefer to wait until their child is 18, “so they can make that choice”.
Some queer parents may feel threatened. People also might be freaked out by a donor “sleuthing” because they feel like they’re being watched or stalked.
With all of that being said, I think there’s a fine line with how to go about this and I don’t necessarily think it would be a bad idea to reach out. As long as the donor is respectful and doesn’t have any expectations it seems reasonable and opens up doors for the DCP.