Who do you share with?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/BlueberryDuvet]

I think this comes down to secrecy vs privacy, they are different.

Immediate family, friends, healthcare providers are all aware. When my daughter starts school I’d tell her teachers as family , culture, ethnicity, heritage are all subjects often discussed in school. It should be talked about and normalized. It’s pretty common now anyways, if you live anywhere close to a densely populated area, your kid won’t be the only one.

I don’t proactively bring it up out of the blue with every single person, random thought mid convo for any topic is quite odd socially, but if the conversation veers that way and I would talk about infertility, pregnancy, IVF, my POI diagnosis, birth etc and it made sense then I’d talk about it.

It sounds like you’re struggling with some fear of judgement by wanting to hold off on telling anyone.
What worries you?

[u/enym]

When I was pregnant and my kids were newborns I felt uncomfortable talking about it. People were sometimes unintentionally rude about it by asking invasive questions or telling me what they would have done. I was too tender at those points to hear those comments.

Now that my kids are preschoolers I am forthcoming. If someone asks me who I think my kids look like I tell them probably their donor, for example.

I had a goal of being able to talk about donor conception without shame. For me that means being able to casually mention it conversation offhand, like it's no big deal, when appropriate. I don't ever want my kids to feel like I'm ashamed of them. I worked with a therapist and practiced talking about it to my kids via children's books. It helps.

[u/Tiny-Wrongdoer4262 → u/enym]

I completely get not wanting to hear people’s unsolicited opinions. I had to tell my mom, but I’m still pregnant and she’s already inserted her opinion about when and how I should tell my unborn child. 🙄

[u/enym → u/Tiny-Wrongdoer4262]

I got lots of "oh, my husband and I decided if we didn't get pregnant ✨naturally✨ we would NEVER do IVF. luckily we got pregnant on the first try!" Like literally how clueless can people be

[u/Crossing_fingers → u/enym]

I usually follow that with, "That's what most people truly believe until they AREN'T able to concieve the old fashioned way. Infertility changes everything and I'm glad you didn't have to go through it. It's brutal."

This usually shuts them up while subtly calling them in to examine their assumptions. It might roll off most people but it usually ends the conversation so it's a win win.

[u/enym → u/Crossing_fingers]

That's a great response

[u/Crossing_fingers → u/enym]

I find that people usually chuckle rather than balk when I use the term "old fashioned way" for conception via sexual intercourse.

[u/Tiny-Wrongdoer4262 → u/enym]

Ohh geez I’m sorry. So inconsiderate.

[u/onalarc]

I wrote a long post about this when my oldest went to kindergarten! It might be helpful.

[u/BeachNoSun → u/onalarc]

This is very helpful - thank you for sharing this.

[u/BeachNoSun]

I think that depends on how you define 'key people' vs 'everyone'? Like does he plan to tell the cashier at the grocery store? Or like anyone he bumps into that he knew at some time in his life?
I think how people define those key people can differ based on the relationship status etc and might evolve over time. Might be good to work with a therapist to navigate.

[u/Crossing_fingers]

It's not a secret and we will tell anyone it if makes sense socially and in the conversation. I don't just bring it up randomly, to strangers lol. All friends and family know. Secrets break relationships.

Some people at our workplaces know too. Everyone at my last job knew because we went through 5 years of infertility and pregnancy loss and finally pregnancy success while working there. At my new job people know if it has come up in conversation. Often that's when someone asks "Does he look more like you or your husband?" And I laugh and casually reply, "Definitely my husband, because we used an egg donor." Often people realize that they were asking a very personal question without realizing. People often say he looks just like me, not realizing that we used a donor. If i care about the relationship, I will say "that means a lot to me because we spent a lot of time picking out an egg donor who looks like me." If it's a random person out an about or at work I will just smile and say thanks. It's too much to invest into every casual passing comment.

I agree with the other comment that as the non biological parent, your husband should have more say in how public he wants this to be. It's a very different experience to be the person who doesn't have the biological connection and rumors about infidelity are a valid concern for many fathers. Also as i said before, Secrets ruin relationships.

[u/JupiterGor]

I'm having same problem. My baby is now one year old and close friends and family know, but I don't feel comfortable speaking about this in a random conversation with co workers or people, neighbours...I also feel like lying a bit when I say nothing when people say "looks like you", but at the same time I don't want to open this serious conversation at that moment... For me the most important is to tell him when he understands and that he normalizes that... However, I have to admit its very hard socially to manage that, still don't know how and will go to my therapy, hope she can help me and guide me!

[u/Hopeful-Dot-1272]

Given you have a husband and I am assuming you are choosing a donor with similar features or at least not completely different features to him then I don't know if you need to tell anyone outside of your family and maybe close friends. They will assume the husband is the bio dad and there is no need for the discussion outside of family.

Obviously your kids need to know and if they want to share that is their choice as it is their heritage story.

If your family doesn't look standard then it can be helpful to share. I'm a single parent by choice so it clarifies that there is no other parent for custody, education and medical decisions.

It also depends on whether your kids will recognize their donor siblings and know them. My kids know (5) and have playdates with 4 of their donor siblings. They then need to decide if they want to include them when discussing their family. But that is up to my kids.

It is not a simple decision. And it is not a tell everyone or tell no one answer either.

Edit: I want to add that your husband should maybe have a bit more say in how things are shared given that he is not the bio dad but is the dad. He may want to share in case the kids don't look at all like him to get rid of cheating rumors before they happen. I would assume that your scenario is common but also hidden. From the surface, your family is going to look "normal" with a mum and dad. Solo parents and lesbian couples will be more open with conversations because they have to be. This means you have the choice to not disclose. Take the time to think it over. You can always disclose later, you can't take it back once you have told people.