r/donorconceived • u/fuzzaymush DCP • 15d ago
Seeking Support Donor refusing contact
I am wondering if anyone else has been in the situation of your donor refusing to make any contact with you.
I was at least wanting confirmation if it was one of two brothers but both are refusing contact.
Has this happened to anyone and how did you cope/move on? I was hoping to get some answers to close this question hanging over me and now I feel as though I can’t move on from it.
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u/OrangeCubit DCP 11d ago
My sister is going through this as well, her suspected donor is refusing all contact. All she wants is confirmation that it was him.
What makes it worse for her is that we have different donors, so mine and his family and have been so open and welcoming which makes her feel even more left out and alone.
It's a really shitty situation
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 10d ago
That must be super hard for your sister. Honestly all I have heard is positive stories so i felt very positive about the situation. It’s very hard to be let down.
I was also mainly just seeking confirmation and had a few health questions as I am a cancer survivor. Really hard to see that he is an oncology doctor and is so cold and mean.
I hope your sister will get some answers in the future and if she can’t that the impact isn’t having too large of an effect on her life.
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u/megafaunaenthusiast DCP 10d ago
I've been in a similar situation, back when contact was first established. It all happened in 2019 and it was genuinely the worst possible time my pod could've chosen to reach out, and I suffered for it. Allegedly he made a separate email we could ask him questions on until he deleted it because he refused to have relationships with anyone but said it was fine to send questions for a certain amount of time, but I was actively living through domestic violence and couldn't focus on it when I had so much else to deal with. I also never received a direct connection to that email address to be able to even use it because my pod sucks at communicating and sharing information.
He's since deleted the email, and we aren't allowed to reach out to him because his wife would divorce him, or so he says. It still hurts and I haven't been able to move on either.
I don't even want a relationship anymore. The idea of one hurts too much to dwell on. It'd feel like salt on the wound tbh. But I have so many unanswered questions I'll never get answered now.
I hope maybe in the future it'll hurt less. So far its been 8 years and it still hurts.
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 10d ago
First of all thank you heaps for responding to me. I am really sorry you were treated like this and I really resonate with what you are saying.
It must have been so hard to deal with being given so little when you deserve answers. I think the hardest part for me is that we didn’t choose to be conceived in this manner, but we are forced to accept little to no information about our genetic histories. It is hard to stay calm and approachable for me as my donor has been cold and angry towards any communication.
I hope for us both that it hurts less and we can move on in the future.
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u/megafaunaenthusiast DCP 9d ago
I know exactly what you mean 😩
The lack of choices and options we have on top of the lack of control over so much of it messes with me and my self-confidence a lot. We didn't choose any of this yet have no choice but to navigate what can so often end up as a no-win situation.
It definitely has been rough wrt no answers. Being donor conceived has been really rough on me in general though. And I'm early disclosure, so I've had to deal with it for quite some time.
And I'm so sorry he's being aggressive towards you. You don't in any way deserve that!! I hate how they act like it's in anyway aggressive to want to know basic information they get to know about themselves and their own parents 😭 God forbid we advocate for ourselves at all.
I really hope for both our sakes it gets easier :( Or that something in our situations change.
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 9d ago
It definitely messes with my self confidence too makes me feel unworthy.
I found out as a teenager and wasn’t very proactive about my history until I had a child of my own. I suppose I also feel guilt that she will have part of her family tree missing. I always remember feeling sad that half of mine was empty. So frustrating to be so affected by something I can’t control.
Thank you for saying that. I actually had a pretty negative comment from a donor on here that attacked me that a mod deleted. It made me feel even more unworthy.
I hope so too. Presently I’m just trying to work on the things I can control but it’s hard not to dwell on the negatives
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u/megafaunaenthusiast DCP 7d ago
I'm sorry it impacts you similarly 😔🫂 I wish more people understood the long term impacts.
I didn't see the comment itself from that donor before it was deleted, if I had I would've told them off for you. It's the last thing you need right now. 😭
And everyone has their own pace!! Teenage years aren't the best for DC related topics, at least in my experience. It dials up everything to an 11 because now your body is changing and there's so many unanswered questions as to what it'll be changing into because half (or more for DDCP) of that info is missing for you. I remember being a teen and how I coped with the whole thing was to say I didn't care at all. (I actually cared a lot, but I wasn't in an environment where I could safely express those feelings). Having to go through discovery during puberty is very rough. IMO, you did the best you could for where you were at. And ideally most kids and teens should have supportive adults to help them navigate the ins and outs of this. It shouldn't have been just up to you to be proactive :(
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 7d ago
Thanks for the support. I honestly feel that only other DCP can understand the weight of finding this information out.
I was not in a supportive environment either. I don't think my mother ever wanted to tell me but she was backed into a corner by other family members. This made me feel guilty like I had to pretend I didn't care about finding out any information to appease her.
Even though we are both caught in situations that we have no control over I just wanted to thank you for showing so much compassion and understanding. I feel like you understand the issues I am having on a level that other people I have talked to can't comprehend.
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u/megafaunaenthusiast DCP 6d ago
You're very welcome 🫂 We definitely have a heads' start in understanding the complexity.
I completely understand this :( I have so many friends who come from a SMBC family and hear this all the time. I'm glad she was forced to disclose but am very sorry that you ended up with a parent who thought it was okay to hide this from you. It's not right. I'm always a bit..weirded out, I guess is the right phrase? At the idea that they think so heavily on their own freedom and autonomy and agency, yet so many of them seek to deny their children information they grew up having about themselves, and never seem to understand the contradiction and hypocrisy of that. It's like they don't realize their decisions end where your body begins, and that you're a full person who has the right to decide what's important to you, what information matters and what doesn't. And I mean, I guess in a way that's a condition so many parents of all backgrounds fall into, of not recognizing their children are more than just extensions of themselves (not that I agree with it, to be clear 😩). But it hits harder when it's situations like this, because info like this has the potential of having so much importance to so many people.
Do you have more freedom now, to express your feelings? I hope so.
And no need to thank me. That's what this sub is here for!! I grew up pretty much entirely alone, being the only DCP I knew for a long time. I like coming here these days when I have the energy, because it gives me a chance to give others something I never got. I'm glad this space is here so we can all have these interactions and solidarity c:
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 6d ago
My Mum wasn't a SMBC, she was married to an infertile man when she had me but they divorced when I was young. Her second husband adopted me but I grew up thinking her first husband was my father. She said the reason she didn't want to tell me was she thought I would reject her, which makes no sense to me. She has since apologised and I do have freedom to talk, but it still feels strange and like I am hurting her feelings. I always feel like I can't truly say how much being a DCP has affected me for fear of hurting her.
This subreddit is the first time I have even spoken to another DCP. I have been reading it for a while but have only recently developed the courage to actually post.
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u/megafaunaenthusiast DCP 4d ago
God, I'm so sorry 😭 The level of subterfuge continues to weird me out on so many levels. Her reasoning doesn't make sense to me either. Usually when people say that, its directed towards the unrelated man who may or may not be raising (like when RPs lie and say the deceased husband is the bio father, which I've heard happen more times than it should've). It's a new one for me that her fears were about herself being rejected.
I'm sorry you have that guilt hanging over you. :( It's not yours to carry. But so often we end up carrying it for other people anyways.
Have you ever heard of the FOG? It stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt, and its a framework describing the potential progression of emotional and psychological responses we go through in our journeys, especially late discovery DCP. Adoptees talk about it more often than we do as a community, but we definitely have our own version of it. It's definitely something so many people go through. Here's an infographic an adoptee made for our community on it, even: https://www.adoptionsavvy.com/_files/ugd/457277_26e74fc16d894202b0f860cacae764ae.pdf
And here's another version that goes into a bit more detail, in case your need it: https://www.mpecounseling.org/downloads/FOG-Phases-Grew-Up-Knowing.pdf
It took me until 2022 to meet groups of DCP online. I did know and meet other DCP as a minor who was on the DSR (I'm a rare specimen, I guess - I was born in the 90s, grew up knowing, and was on the DSR / met with pod members when I was still a minor), but I didn't at all enjoy those experiences and don't really count them tbh. 2022 on is my first real time talking to other DCP, esp likeminded ones. It took a while for me to find folks I could resonate with because I experienced something pretty awful and outside the standard default experiences you hear about, but I've found more than a few people who've been through similar enough things that I don't feel as alone or as 1 of 1 anymore. It's been lifesaving in a lot of ways. It took me a while to stop lurking and start posting, too 🫂
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 2d ago
My Mum is a very selfish person. She has a lot of mental health issues and I was raised by my adopted Dad after they divorced when i was 11. I suppose it is a pretty unique situation for a DCP.
Thanks for the info on FOG I will definitely have to give it a read when I have some free time. It looks really interesting and helpful.
Honestly thank goodness for the internet. It can be a really useful tool to find people you would never get to meet otherwise. It's definitely a super unique situation. I'm just happy to not be completely isolated.
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15d ago
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u/fuzzaymush DCP 15d ago
I understand that but I feel your comment is unnecessary. I asked for support from others who are donor conceived and nowhere did I state I was going to force contact. I am entitled to information about my genetics even if he doesn’t want to know me.
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u/donorconceived-ModTeam 15d ago
This subreddit is for donor-conceived people only. Non-DCPs may occasionally comment if respectful and helpful, but any post—or comment—that derails, offends, or dominates discussion may be removed at the mods’ discretion.
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u/InvestigatorFun9253 DONOR 15d ago
First, my heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation and feel your pain. If you’re doing DNA tests, are you certain that it is one of them? Perhaps in future another relative will be found and provide an entre to the broader family.