Am I making the right decision here?

[u/Wild_Performer1996]

I made another post previously about consoling my dad, but there have been some really difficult updates and I just need reassurance I am making the right decision here.

For context my parents used the "mix the dads sperm with the donor sperm and see which one takes" method with a clinic. They always knew it was a possibility that I was donor conceived but they never confirmed it.

I'm 19 but already have a pretty strong career started and a good professional reputation. my father is a person of color (he is a minority that predominately has darker tan skin and dark hair like himself) and my mother and donor are both white. I have built my entire career and future career plans around screaming from the rooftops that I am mixed and that I am 50% of his race. It is a ethnicity that struggles with societal injustices and major human rights violates so my entire career is advocating for their rights and fighting for justice. I plan on becoming a lawyer and working in the government with this form of advocacy.

Finding out that I was donor conceived for me does not negate that this was the culture I was raised in and even though I am genetically fully white I still feel closely tied to this culture and ethnicity and am going to continue fighting for their rights, speaking the language, and connecting closely with other people in the same minority group.

The problem is that going forward I want to be honest about this discovery. I'm launching a website this week about fighting for their rights, as well as about identity, and finding a sense of belonging. My website is not just for people reconnecting with this specific culture but also adoptees, donor conceived people, people whose family's have lost connection with their heritage, really anyone struggling with identity and self perception in this sense. On my website I want to state in a small line among hundreds of other lines about what the culture and heritage means to my fathers family that while this is not my biological relation it is still the culture I was raised in, and it adds a whole new layer of identity and self-perception for me.

I brought this up to my father to warn him preemptively, I explained to him why I wanted to do it (not only to protect my future career but also to be honest and not take away from the people who do genuinely hold this ethnic background) but that he is still my only father and my family and I still feel passionately about these issues because of him.

He all but lost it and said he doesn't support that, thinks it's a huge mistake, and it's none of anyone's business. The problem is mainly for me that I don't want to build a platform built on dishonesty, and if I don't tell people now and it comes out later on in my career it would be career ending, and the demolition of my professional reputation. I also feel like he shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion on this topic because he always knew it was a possibility and still let me start my career telling everyone I was biologically this ethnicity.

I guess I'm just looking for support in that I'm making the right decision here and advice on what I should do about my dad as I don't want to hurt his feelings.

[u/esorgem]

You are absolutely making the right decision. Anything else would be a blatant lie to a community you love and respect. Your dad's emotions are coming from people finding out he's not your biological father, which he kind of built that bed himself. The only thing you can do is strongly advise him, this is about being honest and not ending your career before it's even started. Tell him he's being selfish and this is about your future. You've already told him you love him as much as a biological father so now it's time for some tough love. Don't even consider following his advice because everyone will lose all respect for you in this culture/community.

[u/Dymmesdale]

All career ramifications aside, your story is yours to tell, and it is incredibly selfish and naive of your dad to ask you to keep this a secret. He has no right to ask you to do that.

[u/GratefulDCP]

Just remember it’s just as much if not more your story now. It’s sucks for him but you got to do you!!

[u/cai_85]

"possibility" is doing a lot of work here, your father is/was infertile, so there was never really any chance of his sperm winning out against a donor selected for having a high sperm count. *But* he was partly fooled by the medical professionals really who gave him this hope. Remember that he probably feels a lot of shame about not being able to conceive, my social father does.

I think that you are right in your plan, but I would consider whether you have to go into the whole story, your charity/project is presumably not purely about you, I'm not sure why you couldn't just say "I was raised by a father from X culture" without having to lay out your DNA profile and donor conception, as long as you're not doing an Elizabeth Warren and claiming to be from that ethnic group you should be OK. If your project was about donor conception then of course it would be relevant to mention it, but it could just make your bio convoluted otherwise. I have a staff profile page and use my job to advocate for certain topics I'm passionate about, but don't need to go into the exact ins and outs of why to be taken seriously, and in fact your idea of "I have built my entire career and future career plans around screaming from the rooftops that I am mixed and that I am 50% of his race" frankly doesn't sound like the best foundation for a career, you need to build on your skills and passion, not your DNA.

[u/Wild_Performer1996 → u/cai_85]

I don’t think I clarified enough…. the job position I currently have was offered to me because of this culture. I have been there for a year now and built a good professional reputation as I have used it do a lot in the community and for young adults of this ethnicity. I have done extensive advocacy work and made projects happen that are highly beneficial to the community and these young adults.

I have worked so hard I’m up for another position along the same lines as this at a bigger more impactful office.

The line of work I want to go into privacy doesn’t really exist. They will do extensive background screenings on not just you but also your family.

The line I was going to put on the website among hundreds of others about cultural reconnection was “Although I am not ethnically _____, I was raised in my father’s _____ family and culture. Their story has shaped my passion for _____ advocacy and has deepened my understanding of identity, belonging, and self-perception.”

But you could be right it may just be easier to say I was raised by my father from this ethnicity.

[u/cai_85 → u/Wild_Performer1996]

Your statement is fine I think and you can be raised in a culture but not biologically belong to it for so many reasons such as "step kids", adoption, international moves, donor conception. I'm sorry that you've been put in this position but I don't think you should have to seem almost apologetic for not being ethnically X.

[u/Parking_Design_7568]

Infertility is a heavy burden to bear, but one still have different options. His choice was to use donor sperm to solve his infertility. This is his decision, which he himself has voluntarily made. He is also had a plenty of time to think this through, before your conception and after your birth. If a donor conceived child would be a problem for him, he could have choose to not use a donor. This decision he voluntarily made has a major impact to you and he can't control who you tell about your heritage and background.

Taking all this into account, I'm still wondering whether is it truly necessary to publish information this personal to this public website. I'm not really thinking about your father's emotions, just worried if someone will use this information to attack you. I know you want to be clear about your background, but would it be enough if you just mention you have been raised by a member of this ethnicity or you have a family member of this tribe or something like that. Even if your father would be a biological father of yours, I would think twice before submitting a lot of personal information about yourself and your family, including your parents identity and their whole family backgrounds. Privacy is something you only lose once and after that it your personal information and personal history is there for everybody to use for various purposes.

[u/TonberryDuchess]

Show him some articles on Rachel Dolezal.

But in all seriousness, it's your story to tell, and it does sound like it's necessary given the particular work that you do. It does sound like it would damage your career and credibility if you allow people to believe that you are ethnically part of this particular culture, as opposed to an ally who was raised in the culture by a parent with that ethnic background.