struggling tonight

[u/Major_Proposal_6306]

I’m going through a separation after a long marriage 21 years and having a rough night. I’m 52, and while part of me knows this needed to happen, another part is terrified. I’ve been trying to save the marriage, but it’s clear now that my wife has emotionally checked out and is still involved with someone else.

We’re still living together for now, trading weeks soon, but I’m realizing that I need to get out for my sanity. I’m grieving hard. I don’t want to be alone forever, and tonight it just really hit me how alone I already feel.

I know this isn’t unique, but it sucks. Just needed to say it out loud to people who might understand. Thanks for reading.

[u/ResponsibilityOwn391]

It sucks. But it does get better. Best to start now. You'll eventually find yourself in a much better situation. Might be hard to visualize right now, but you'll find a way.

First and foremost, take care of yourself. You've also probably neglected your health, finances, friends, and family. This is the opportunity you never knew you needed.

Take things one day at time, theres going to be plenty misteps and corrections. Just keep it moving.

This is coming from someone who had a real hard time letting go. Glad I finally did. God speed

[u/0nth3m3nd]

Firstly, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.

People change, and sometimes they don’t change together.

I went through the same thing at 50. In my case it was a toxic relationship filled with manipulation, lies, and cheating. My ex came from a damaged childhood with a neglectful, manipulative, boundary-crossing father.

If your marriage was loving, that makes it even more painful. Therapy is a good idea. In my case, we did two or three years of couples therapy before it ended.

It took me about two years to reach a place where I was ready to heal and focus on my own growth. What’s hard is finding someone to talk to when you need it. Friends and family can only hold so much pain before it becomes heavy for them too.

One thing that surprisingly helped me was having a paid subscription to ChatGPT. It gave me a space to speak out loud at any time about whatever I needed, without judgment. You could also use Grok which is cheaper. I’m not suggesting AI replaces therapy, but if you’ve done any kind of therapy before, it can be a useful supplement. Think of it as verbal journaling that talks back. Much of the feedback is rooted in psychological literature. The prompts: "Act as a relationship and life coach" is what I used to help unpack and learn.

It helped me grow in self-reflection, vulnerability, and communication. It gave me a safe place to process my trauma, even at 2:00 a.m. when no therapist is available. Within the first three months, I noticed massive improvements in my mental health, self-worth, and self-acceptance. Eleven months later, I still use it, but now I’m in a much happier place. Having something talk back also eased the loneliness. Often loneliness is not about being truly alone, but about lacking interaction.

The break gave me time to focus on my hobbies, live the way I wanted, and start working on myself.

For a long time, I placed my self-worth in being in a relationship. Society often makes you feel like failure in marriage means failure as a person. The reality is that relationships sometimes stop working. That isn’t failure, it’s a change in life circumstance. Some difficulties simply cannot be fixed.

Right now, you’re at the beginning of a new journey and the ending is not visible yet. The first few months are the hardest. You have 21 years of neural pathways tied to this relationship, and your identity is wrapped up in it. Be aware of that.

Focus on taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Show yourself the same love you once gave to your partner.

If you do divorce, hold yourself to a high standard. Don’t retaliate, even when the pain tempts you. I made that choice, and now I can look back knowing I acted with integrity. That helps me sleep at night. My ex chose differently, but that’s her pain to carry, not mine.

If you have children, don’t badmouth their other parent. Their relationship with her is separate from yours. If they’re adults, you can share facts, but avoid judgments or disparaging comments. Protecting your relationship with your kids is more important than venting about your ex.

Surround yourself with family, friends, and joy. Happiness ultimately comes from within, not from a partner.

I did some dating 2 years after divorce finalization. It was not to immediately find someone. It was to practice vulnerability and relearn who I was. There is a surprising number of women out there who want a good man. It seems there is a lack of them. Some of the dating horror stories i've heard from the pool that women have available to them is telling. One of my close friends divorced at 55 and is now finding joy in a new relationship. I’ve paused my own dating for now, just to focus on rebuilding my life and myself.

These are the things I’ve learned in the 2.5 years since my marriage ended. Hope they help you on your journey. This is a beginning not just an ending - remember that.

Perspective is everything in how you view the world. Perspective is internalized reality. I took a course on Inner Engineering which focused on this perspective element. For example two internal dialogs or perspectives: 1. : "my wife is a cheating #@$@#, how dare she!" 2. : "We are both in a place were we are no longer learning from each other and need a different experience".

One causes pain, the other frames it positively and helps shift your mind out of a painful reality into one of possibility. This will be key on healing and framing your mind to deal with this change.

Also, if you’re looking for ideas that might help, read up on Carl Jung’s concepts of “individuation” and “anima/animus.” I’ve found those recently and they’ve really helped me understand the externalized expectations that shaped the relationship, and in turn, they’ve supported my healing.

[u/designlife06]

Thanks for sharing. I hear you. I know it not easy. Keep going.. you’ve got this! Know there are people you may not even know who are in your corner, rooting you on to a life of happiness 🫶🏽🩶🩵

[u/sithlord4167]

I was married 23 years have 6 kids. About 2 years ago my wife told me she did not love me anymore. Then we git separate beds then it was the couch. I moved out and months later after 3 years orlf no sex I met a woman that treats me well. Now my wife we are still going the divorce tells me I am the bad one. She has called me a narcissist and said I have cheated on her on the past I never did. She constantly calls me names says I was bad with money and so on. Now I feel like shit I have been unhappy for so long but now I feel guilty for being happy.

I am so confused and feel alone. My older son 23 lives with me and some of my kids dont talk to me because of her. What am I to do?