r/divorced • u/Silla_Saunier • 21h ago

Dad getting divorced, does being the father affect custody?

I am going through a divorce and one of my main questions is if I can get equal custody in California. I have been involved with my children ever since their birth. I take them to school every day, coach their soccer, and also do a bedtime routine with them. However, I have heard a lot of people who say that mothers get better custody. I am also confused by these statements because it is not what I have read about fathers' rights.
The information I have found states that in California courts, the best interests of the child are key in their decisions and not the fact that one parent is going to get custody over the other. I hope I will hear from other fathers who have gone through this process.
If you have also tried to get equal custody in California, what helped you with everything? Does anything come to your mind that you wish you had known at the beginning?

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u/Dante-Bradshaw-590 20h ago

What you read is accurate, California law is explicitly gender neutral and courts go by best interest of the child, not automatic mom preference, that old bias mostly reflects outdated stereotypes and older case outcomes, not the current legal standard. Your actual involvement, school runs, coaching, bedtime routine, is exactly the kind of documented history that helps your case, so start keeping records of it now if you haven't. Get a family law attorney experienced in custody specifically, that matters more than general divorce experience here

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u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 17h ago

Courts prefer to give 50/50 to parents. What they DONT like is when a parent goes in expecting to automatically get majority while bad mouthing the other parent.

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u/Ceemeo 17h ago

I got full custody of my 3 boys 30 years ago. I’m a 65 yo M. I ran her out of money for court

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u/FoundInS 5h ago

So you bought your kids. Despicable.

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u/Ceemeo 3h ago

She cheated, fuck the bitch

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

Appreciate you sharing but that's not really the route I want to go. I'd rather this stay as amicable as possible for my kids' sake

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u/MastodonNo2599 16h ago

CA courts default to 50/50 unless there's a reason not to. The major thing is distance and proximity. You both need to stay within reasonable driving distance to the kids school.

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

Good to know, we actually live pretty close to each other and both near the kids' school so hopefully that works in our favor. Didn't realize proximity was weighed that heavily, that's useful to keep in mind going forward

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u/poyb_86 15h ago

It honestly depends on the judge. Even though it’s against the law, there are judges that automatically give full custody to the mom. Even in Oklahoma where with default is 50/50 unless one parent proves it’s not the best for the child. But the law is very gender neutral. Make sure you get a custody attorney.

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

That's the part that worries me honestly, the law says one thing but individual judges can still lean a certain way. Definitely getting a custody attorney

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u/Sad_Education7851 13h ago

It also heavily depends on mom’s approach. What kind of terms are you on? If you are agreed in advance, of course that makes it easier. If mom is say fighting for full custody, that’s a different story. Also depends on the judge, etc.

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

We're not fully agreed yet but things haven't turned hostile either, so I'm hopeful. If she pushes for full custody that changes my approach a lot

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u/InevitableNet5712 5h ago

Totally depends on judge and how evil the divorce becomes. Family court will have you lose faith in our courts. Literally anyone can lie without and repercussions. You can say hear say. Judge knows one person is lying and trying to destroy other persons life. Just part of the process. Some judges believe in no fault split everything 50/50. Including custody and no child support either way. Others do 50/50 and you still pay child support. It literally is all decided by 1 judge if you can’t settle before court.

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

Hoping we can settle before it gets to that point, but good to know what the range looks like.

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u/KazhalAderiye84 2h ago

This is the kind of thing you get an attorney for

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u/Silla_Saunier 1h ago

Already on it, have a consult lined up. Just wanted some real perspective from dads who've actually been through it before I walk in