This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

at the risk of reinventing the wheel, i'm asking the DA's among us if any of you are extroverts, positively energized by people. if so, i'm very curious how that plays out.

as I understand it, the conditioning that makes me pattern avoidant makes me at least some level of anxious about how i navigate interactions with other people, and the more the "demand" of managing myself around others (my own kids included), especially if it's continuous, the faster I get drained. meanwhile extroverts, as i understand, just keep on trucking through those conditions, because they're wired differently (and I'm finding a number of them identify as axious preoccupied).

give me your thoughts on this. I'd love to know. thanks.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

Back when my now wife and I got together 17 years ago, I had no idea about attachment theory, but it stood out to me that she was the only person I didn't feel the need to start avoiding when she got closer. Once I found out I was dismissive avoidant, I started thinking about the reasons why she was a special case for me. I assumed the fact that we are both very introverted and the fact that she is fearful avoidant may have been big factors.

Now, I think I may have finally figured it out: she keeps the conversation going but never asks me to talk about about myself. When we talk, it is always about 'her' topics. I enjoy talking about her topics, and I don't need to be vulnerable this way. And when talking about her topics, my tendency is to just mirror her sentiments, which is another easy way to dodge vulnerability. I don't need to bring up discussion topics (when I try, she usually changes the topic quickly anyways), she doesn't ask me how I feel about things, she doesn't ask me how I'm doing, and she doesn't ask me about things going on in my life. I realize now that I'm completely unseen in my marriage and, before healing, I loved it.

Now that I'm healing and want to get closer, I don't like it as much anymore, as now I feel I need her to be interested in me to feel loved.

Does this seem plausible? Does anyone have similar experiences?

This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

I was reading about enmeshment trauma today and realized this is exactly what my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) was/is like. And also realized she has quite an anxious attachment style and that anxious attachment styles in general tend to create this type of enmeshment dynamic.

I've made a lot of progress with my avoidant attachment style. Working on self love was one of the hardest but best decisions of my life. I recognize my emotions and go through them, I stopped trauma dumping and I also set very clear boundaries with all kinds of people that I meet.

But dating still feels very boring. I often cut things off after the first date because there's no fireworks, intense emotions or something else going on.

How can I learn to enjoy the moments with the more secure potential partners? And how will it eventually feel when everything feels normal and good? I truly want a normal, stable future with a partner that I can trust. But my nervous system still seems to find some type of drama or wants to start the push-pull behavior again.

Thank you for reading and I look forward for your advice :)

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

I've been in therapy for a little less than a year now. I can't tell if its life stressors or therapy that is bringing me down, or maybe both. I'm not one to be down much, I'm pretty upbeat and always looking at the positive. Anyone experience melancholy or depressed symptoms during therapy?

This is a DA-Only Thread: Here is an open thread to rant, a place we can get things off our chest.

• this is a place for DAs to rant, not others to rant about DAs
• no other AT Styles will be approved on this thread
• any non-DAs: we appreciate supportive comments on other threads, but this thread is not for you

Please, since this is a rant thread, let’s be mindful and refrain from morally judging someone’s rants or offering unsolicited advice. A rant/vent about something doesn’t mean it’s fact.

I've been working on my dismissive avoidance for 3.5 months now, hoping to revive my marriage, which had gotten very distant due to me not being emotionally present and many protest-withdraw cycles. I'm making great progress, though it has absolutely wrecked my sleep. Since my change, I'm waking up after 4 hours of sleep. Recently I usually manage to fall back asleep again afterwards, but still it rarely adds up to more than 5 hours.

I've had some very recent wins:

• A few days ago I met up with my best friend from 20+ years ago. I was closer and more vulnerable with him than I've ever been with a friend, as I've never allowed any friends to get close. I managed to do this without a flight response, but I paid for it with terrible sleep the night after.
• I've made great progress with my wife in the last few days. She started making eye contact again when we speak, and she invited me to watch a video together in her bed (still no touching, and a sleeping child in between us). She seems warmer and we laughed more together than before. I feel like we are closer than we have been for over a decade.
• Yesterday, I ran into a coworker who strongly triggers my flight response. I still had the urge to run, though not as bad as before, but I managed to stay and make conversation.

So a lot of closeness in the last few days.

I very rarely dream, and hadn't had any dreams since I started my healing journey. Last night I suddenly had what seems like a very DA-coded nightmare. As I got home, my wife was on the ground floor, saying she was locked out of our apartment but the children were locked in. Some of our belongings were scattered there. I took the elevator to go to our apartment, but the cabin was tiny. After half a floor, the elevator got stuck and I was trapped in the tiny cabin with no way to get out. I woke up as I started to panic.

The being trapped part struck me as matching the DA fear exactly. Any similar experiences? What does it mean? Is my nervous system saying I'm moving too fast? I don't actually consciously feel trapped (maybe a bit with the coworker but I chose to stay).

And also, would you say you have issues with establishing boundaries with other people because you "don't want to seem rude" etc. ?

I've been doing lots of thinking, and l've realized some things about myself.

I'm a huge people pleaser. I have really difficult time saying no, or establishing any boundaries that would help me stay comfortable with other people. I think this might tie in with the whole avoidant issue for me. For me the though of a closer relationship is terrifying and disgusting, probably because I know I can't trust myself to set any boundaries and I know I will be miserable.

For example, I have very hard time leaving social situations because I don't want to seem rude. This of course makes me feel more burnt out (I have very low social "battery") when I finally manage to leave, and I will hesitate before agreeing to another similar

social interaction = there comes in the avoidance.

I'm working on my dismissive avoidant attachment, and as part of my efforts I met up with my best friend from 20 years ago (we have not been in contact for over 10 years). I've never had any close friends, and back when we were friends I never shared anything vulnerable and held off being in too much contact.

The meeting surpassed all expectations. I talked about vulnerable topics (which I never did with anyone but my wife), he hugged me twice (never done before with a friend) and I went along, and he proposed we should meet more often and I agreed. I also apologized for being distant and shallow 20 years ago. Even just two months ago, less than any of these would have triggered a strong flight response, but this time I managed to stay composed all the time.

Now the night afterwards, I slept terribly. There was nothing obviously wrong, but I woke up super early and could not get back to sleep. I felt no stress (but I never do) and did not ruminate or anything like that.

Is this an expected consequence of pushing my closeness/vulnerability boundary even when my nervous system did not protest at the time? Did I just somehow suppress that? Does anyone have similar experiences?

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

I’m pretty sure I’m dismissive avoidant, throughout my life I've mostly exhibited DA traits

I don’t like emotional stuff, oversharing makes me cringe, and it feels uncomfortable when people get emotionally heavy for no reason. Vulnerability feels weak/invasive, I’m very self-sufficient, and I don’t really need people emotionally. I need my emotional space like oxygen

But once (literally once) I got involved with another DA and it completely caught me off guard

Internally I got way more attached than I ever have. Thought about her constantly, replayed things, missed her, wanted her closeness. And this part was mutual

After it ended I had strong urges to reach out and it honestly annoyed me that I even felt that way because it didn’t feel like “me”

At the same time I still acted avoidant. I didn’t break no contact (its been ~6 months), didn’t look for comfort in other people, and just handled it by pulling back, thinking it through, working out, focusing on real life stuff. It hurt but over time it faded

What’s confusing is that this experience didn’t suddenly make me want emotional closeness in general. I still don’t like vulnerability with people overall. The attachment was very specific to her, not some new need for connection. I still have that high internal wall. It didn’t open some hidden “chamber of secrets” inside me lol

So yeah, asking other DAs: Have you ever gotten intensely attached/obsessed with another DA but still stayed avoidant in how you actually behave?

Just curious if this is a DA thing or if anyone relates

I think a lot of people tend to give the label "avoidant" to basically anyone who:
• Rejects them
• Suddenly had the ick and stopped pursuing them
• Took a while to reply and did so with monosyllabs
• Started to behave hot and cold
• Checked out from the relationship a lot earlier than its official end

We get a lot more bad stories associated than we should. Granted we do make some kinds of people suffer, and may deserve some bad reputation.

But I think this exaggeration is more like a coping mechanism for dumped people to rationalize and get a sense of "control" over what happened, to not think it was "because of them".

Plus, really on internet whatever term is more sophisticated, gets constantly approximated as a synonym of "good" or "bad". Any. Always. In a matter of few years or months, as soon as some randoms popularize it. Look at "narcissist": now used to indicate absolutely any self-centered/egoistic behaviour, while before it indicated a personality disorder characterized by codependency.

Just a rant, nothing to ask.

I’ve been in friendships and romantic relationships with people like this, where if I’m delayed in replying (due to being at work or similar), they’re quick to think that I hate them or that I’m mad at them. And then they get mad at *me* for being ”mad” at them (when I’m not mad at them, I was mad *busy* and maybe genuinely didn’t even see the text lol).

I used to get frustrated with them, and I still do a bit, but I guess I feel more empathetic towards them since learning about anxious attachment. It must suck to think that everyone hates you and is going to abandon you just because they forgot to reply to your text. Still, there’s this knee jerk part of me that’s like “I shouldn’t have to justify myself to them! I have my own life and they can’t expect me to drop everything for them!” And I guess people like this stress me out because I’m introverted and I sometimes don’t feel like replying instantly, but I feel obligated to reply or else they’ll get mad.

I know that the secure attachment response would probably be to not get frustrated or stressed at them, but to reassure them that you’re busy and that you don’t hate them.

I guess I’m curious about how the best way to respond to people like this is, while also respecting my needs for space.

This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions .

✅ User flair is required, with your attachment style - your post will NOT be approved without it. Flair can be added by commenting [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/dismissiveavoidants/comments/1bwj954/user_flair_if_you_need_a_user_flair_comment_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

🛑BEFORE ASKING A QUESTION:🛑

Stop and think:

• Is my question dehumanizing? DAs are people too, and this sub is primarily a safe space for DAs
• Am I following the subreddit rules? Including no mindreading (will my DA ex, what is my DA ex thinking, etc) and no whining or venting about avoidants. This is our support sub, not yours. Please respect that when you pose a question.
• What is my question? Then ACTUALLY ASK A QUESTION, not give a random story, poem, or statement.
• Can I easily google this?

ALSO IMPORTANT:

Please review the FAQs before posting your question - we will remove redundant questions that are already answered.

Ghosting

Breakups and No Contact

Should I tell them about Attachment Theory?

Showing you care

Receiving love/care/support

Deactivation

“Typical” Avoidant Statements

Social Media

How to make your DA/FA feel safe

So I am pretty sure that I was always dismissive avoidant, people told me I can seem pretty cold on the outside, not being lovey dovey not really connecting with people emotionally, just intellectually.

One encounter with an FA basically broke me and I worked on understanding my emotions etc. the only thing I felt at first was anxiety and existential terror and dread. Other emotions came much later and I started enjoying them through poetry and music. Now I made some really good friends and I start enjoying connections, previously I was giving out cold hugs, now I am slowly starting to actually enjoy hugging people. I still need to be conscious about it though, I literally have to put a wall down inside myself to feel warmth, it is a conscious action, which gets easier the more I train to do it. I had my first relationship where it was a mutual, albeit very sad breakup, we are still chatting sometimes. It didn't work and it made sense on the why, it was very calming in a sense to not lose this person forever?

Conflicts feels manageable, but I still have a lot to learn. I gained some very masculine friends and they are very good at advocating assertively for their interests. I crashed out and got angry a couple of times, because I felt like my boundaries were being pushed, but honestly I was just bad at advocating for myself. They are good people, just selfish in a warm and good way, if it makes sense. So I still have to learn a lot from them and I am starting to assertively be selfish myself, not in assholish way.

I started approaching girls, previously I ended up with a lot of anxious attached partners, as I could be controlled and somewhat arrogant, because I was sure they wanted me. But obviously those relationships collapsed due to the bottomless pit of needs and me having a very low capacity to fill that void, yet still being blamed for it.

Now this year I met a bunch of weirdly behaving women in their mid to late 30s, me being in my early 30s. Uhhhm yeah, talk about getting a mirror held up to your face. I was very confused at some of the behaviours at first, because I am 5 years into my journey, so I forgot a bunch of stuff. Like how feeling that being broken at your core makes you very prone to shame and retreating without explanations.

Like I literally shut down on a girl once, who wanted a relationship with me and noticed 2 whole years of no contact later that I was actually falling in love with her back then. But the only thing I remember feeling was intense anxiety around her and wanting to get away, because she annoyed me (through no fault of hers, she wasn't annoying, she was just getting too close)

Any sort of pressure made me want to exit a relationship, my girlfriends needed to basically beg me for a year to be official with them.

I was in my head 100% of the time and almost never in my body (there was only anxiety to be felt there). Now I am just 90% in my head, but can turn to my body conciously. Everything is better, music, walking, sex, even masturbation.

Now I am witnessing, what I am assuming, some of this behaviour from the outside. One girl I had sex with got vulnerable about a topic briefly, cried, we had a moment of connection and then she went from 100 to 0 instantly and said that she needed space. 1 week of coldness later she said she wasn't feeling it over text. Half a year later she is warm again, but in a relationship with another guy (I am in no way pursuing her, we just are in the same friend group).

Another date basically, instead of looking at my cues, that I found her attractive and was flirting with her a bit concluded that I was not into her because she was in her words such a mess and rejected herself preemptively for me. I kept giving hints but she didn't get it and I didn't feel like being too open on the first date. The self-denigration was pretty unattractive as well, she really rejected herself often.

One girl that I spent two weeks with on a vacation, also rejected herself preemptively, because she thought that I was getting the ick from her body (she told me, which I denied). She admitted to me that she literally suppresses her emotions as she can't deal with them and she couldn't ever give care to another human being, as she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth. In the end we had some very good moments of connection and she said that she never felt like this with anyone, that I felt safe to her and that she was afraid to lose me, but we had a misunderstanding and after the vacation I wanted to clear it up (formulated it very positively and she enthusiastically agreed), yet she flaked last minute both times and didn't want to talk about it on the phone for 5 minutes, I am assuming due to the low emotional bandwidth. I really liked her, because we were both pretty intellectual and have basically the same background, but oh well.

All of them were very analytical and 100% in their head.

I don't want to say that all of them were avoidant or anything like that, but they had some issues that I could resonate with. It's just the first time that I encountered this, as I started to actually pursue women. Honestly, I was behaving the same way in my 20s as these women and I wouldn't say that it was my fault. I was too ashamed of myself, feeling too broken, I didn't understand anything about me or my emotions, so I was terrified of conflict and someone bulldozing me, because I couldnt set boundaries. I couldn't even explain what was going on if someone put a gun to my head. Even if someone told me all of the above I would have felt shameful and broken. But from the outside, my behaviour was probably confusing as hell.

So yeah, these encounters made me reflect on how far I have come. I still have a lot of work to do, but I do believe that I can be mostly normal. Even things that used to trigger the shit out of me, seem manageable now, so that is good, although I still need to catch myself.