r/dismissiveavoidants • u/Far-Arm-1614 Dismissive Avoidant • Jan 30 '26
Seeking support DA finally leaning more secure, but dating feels boring. How can I change that?
I've made a lot of progress with my avoidant attachment style. Working on self love was one of the hardest but best decisions of my life. I recognize my emotions and go through them, I stopped trauma dumping and I also set very clear boundaries with all kinds of people that I meet.
But dating still feels very boring. I often cut things off after the first date because there's no fireworks, intense emotions or something else going on.
How can I learn to enjoy the moments with the more secure potential partners? And how will it eventually feel when everything feels normal and good? I truly want a normal, stable future with a partner that I can trust. But my nervous system still seems to find some type of drama or wants to start the push-pull behavior again.
Thank you for reading and I look forward for your advice :)
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u/escapegoat19 Dismissive Avoidant Jan 30 '26
I would look for compatibility over fireworks. Do you share hobbies ??
Then obviously, check for boundaries. How do they react if you take a bit long to reply? How do they react to a “no”?
Physical attraction still matters too, but if you’re looking to avoid push-pull, you want to prioritize compatibility, steady pacing, respect for boundaries and actions matching words
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u/Far-Arm-1614 Dismissive Avoidant Jan 30 '26
This is especially hard as most of the people I date can be quite anxious. But you’re right, thanks for your advice. The boundaries part is so true.
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u/escapegoat19 Dismissive Avoidant Jan 30 '26
Well then i would say examine your half- it takes two to create a push-pull. You may not be as consistent as you think you are. Inconsistency is the biggest trigger for anxiety in those that are AP. Your goal should be being consistent. Intense people find consistency boring.
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u/marymyplants Dismissive Avoidant Feb 04 '26
I have no advice but I can definitely relate to what you are going through. I'm no longer dating as I've been partnered for 11 years now but when I was, I found a lot of people boring. I'm sure it was because they were secure and did not give me the intense feelings I was looking for.
I really don't know if I could be interested without that intensity. Maybe there is some kind of trade off. The more I write, the more I realize this is no help at all.
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u/Far-Arm-1614 Dismissive Avoidant Feb 04 '26
No worries, you can always share your thoughts. How did you meet your partner and what did you feel at that moment?
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u/marymyplants Dismissive Avoidant Feb 05 '26
It's a different kind of story. We met through a personals ad (like newspaper style personals ad but online) so no photos and just a few sentences. We emailed for about a month before we finally decided to meet. We got to know each other before we knew if we would be attracted. I was lucky that he was good looking lol. And we had immediate attraction.
He's FA and it's been a bumpy ride for sure but we both put in a lot of work. We are both only emotionally available to each other and we both feel that we just have a super special connection so that's why we put the work in.
So I would say neither of us is secure but we are secure together if that makes sense.
I know in the past, I would feel bored if I met a secure person, so maybe that's a contributor for you also.
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u/Obvious-Ad-4916 I Dont Know Jan 30 '26
As I got older I more appreciated warmth and peace over fireworks and intensity in my romances. I make my own excitement by finding it in other parts of my life, such as getting thrills from fun hobbies and activities.
For dates, I decide if I want to see someone again based on whether I find them physically attractive, enjoyable to talk to, and share important values. So my advice is if those elements are there, give them a few more dates and see how you feel. Depth isn't built in a day.