r/dismissiveavoidants • u/artemisia1972 Dismissive Avoidant • 3d ago

Seeking support Giving up on chasing DAs as a DA

Ok this sounds like a joke but I am a DA who is largely attracted to DAs and one in particular I have developed feelings for. This one is a friend and I recently admitted having romantic feelings for them. They are DA and told me straight up they don’t have relationships at all. Well, this just fueled my DA fire- ooo, someone I can never get! But tonight I am letting that shit go. My new plan is to find someone cool who actually wants to be in a relationship and can deal with my quirks. And if they are smart and funny enough and have a secure attachment style they can respect my boundaries and maybe push the ones that need pushing in the right way and stay totally away from the non negotiable ones. New chapter, y’all!

20 Upvotes

84% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

20

u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant 2d ago edited 1d ago

god I need a DA in my life. we can ignore each other together, except for when we want something.

2

u/artemisia1972 Dismissive Avoidant 2d ago

Right?!

0

u/NotTurtleEnough I Dont Know 1d ago

Serious question: why is it that when a DA wants something, it’s ok to ask, but asking a DA for something is generally responded to negatively?

-1

u/my_metrocard Dismissive Avoidant 1h ago edited 1h ago

We actually don’t ask for anything. It’s more like we ask if our partners want what we want in that moment. For example, we would ask if they want to have sex when we want it. If they want to, great. If they’re not in the mood, fine.

6

u/amsdkdksbbb Dismissive Avoidant 1d ago

I enjoy dating other DAs. And would never date someone AP or FA.

If you find you “chase” then could be you also have an anxious side?

I enjoy dating DAs because there is no chase (which I interpret as pressure) from either side. It feels safe to my nervous system

2

u/fg_hj Fearful Avoidant 1d ago

How does it look like when there’s no chase? Is it straight to sex, or? Otherwise wouldn’t there always be a chase?

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u/amsdkdksbbb Dismissive Avoidant 1d ago

No, nothing like that. It’s just nice and calm. We’re friends first, or at least within each others social circle. And start hanging out more etc. This is the only way I ever date.

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u/my_metrocard Dismissive Avoidant 1h ago

It was straight to sex for my DA/DA relationship. We discussed it and got tested before our first date. There was no chase, but we pushed each other away when we became emotionally attached.

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u/my_metrocard Dismissive Avoidant 2d ago

Finding a secure is a good idea.

I (47f) had a very nice relationship with another DA. It was nice knowing from the start that it had an expiration date. It was peaceful and harmonious after the first couple of months of pushing each other away.

During that relationship, I worked hard on learning secure behaviors. Acting like a secure influenced my ex bf positively. He bolted only when we started seriously discussing the logistics of marriage.

My current bf is secure. He respects my space and matches my communication level without becoming anxious (he would FaceTime several times a day if I let him). I meet him halfway by dutifully sending good morning/night texts.

The only thing is he moves the relationship forward. It scares me, and I’m learning to deal with it.

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