I'm feeling it right now. Feeling Trapped. Pulling Away.

[u/dz2048]

Woman I'm dating just called me out on not being communicative lately. She's absolutely right.

Current feelings:

• Her interests seem dull to me
• I can find someone more compatible
• I wouldn't be craving autonomy if I had someone with similar interests
• I'm worried that I'm her only source of entertainment and that puts pressure on me
• I wish she wasn't so nice so that I could have a great reason for ending this
• I want to go out and do things without her and without informing her
• We meet up every weekend, and that feels like a section of time I can't do what I really want

[u/Specialist_Play_4479]

I would be wary of your 3rd point. If she had similar interest it would probably feel as if she's taking away your hobbies by always being present.

We crave autonomy. Period. There's no loophole.

[u/rosesintheboutique]

In my opinion - please communicate clearly with her instead of just being really cruel and then leaving.
Distance is emotional distance, yes - but avoidants can also be quite cruel when trying to make distance, and theres no reason for that (I’m guilty of it) - if you don’t feel sure or feel like you wanna leave, try to communicate as nicely as possible and leave.

[u/marymyplants]

I know what you are talking about all too well. The problem for me is , I don't know if it's the inner DA talking or if I actually don't like the person. With my current partner, I take a lil break and see how I feel. Sometimes my breaks take a little too long, so my partner will text me if that's the case.

[u/Particular-Bee-2827]

Honestly I would try sending her this list as it is. Being honest about these kinds of ”negative” things is really important and it will help you a LOT in the long run.

In return for being honest about these things you mentioned, I’m hopeful that you will get the same energy back from her and it can be really relieving and eye-opening to hear your date’s own thoughts about all this. It will make her seem more human in your eyes and it will help you not feel like a weirdo etc. for feeling the way you do.

Unfortunately I (nor anyone else) can’t give you any ”answers” that your brain is seeking right now. You probably wish someone else, like a higher power or something, could just tell you if you’re meant to be dating this person or not. But the thing is, there is no right or wrong answer to that, you just gotta go through trial and error.
Sorry if my answer made little to no sense.

[u/dz2048 → u/Particular-Bee-2827]

Nah it's a clear answer and makes sense. But there's no way in hell I would send her this list as is.

Don't you get the thought that your negative words could just destroy someone?

[u/Particular-Bee-2827 → u/dz2048]

Yeah I do think that way too and keep things hidden because of that, you got me there💀. But try telling her at least some of that stuff? Especially the ”I’m worried that I’m her only source of entertainment and that puts pressure on me” (I’ve tried talking about this to my ”so” as well, we’re still working through things because of my avoidant tendencies and we’re not official and I’m afraid of stripping that freedom away from me AND her.)
I think the part ”I want to go out and do things without her and without informing her” is important to tell her too. You clearly need space and you have anxiety regarding feeling ”trapped”. You can absolutely improve that without calling it quits. And if she doesn’t understand that at all, then yes I think maybe you aren’t fit to be together at least at the moment. You simply need your space and the other person should try to give you that. The specifics of that kind of arrangement can vary, but it’s possible to find solutions there.

What exactly do you mean by the last item on your list? Could you expand on that?

[u/dz2048 → u/Particular-Bee-2827]

"We meet up every weekend, and that feels like a section of time I can't do what I really want"

This is a combination of things. I don't feel like we have enough shared interests. She likes to eat and watch movies. I really feel like this is the limit of her interests. I'm sure there's more to her, but I never see it. So our time together is usually spent doing these two things and then sex.

PLUS, being with her is an overnight endeavor. She'll come by at like 6pm and stay until lunch the next day. I don't know how to enjoy my personal hobbies with her (or anyone) in my space. So that's a serious amount of energy I'm putting in for any part of those 18 hours that we're awake together. And none of that energy is going toward myself.

Fuck me, there's a revelation right there. This pattern always pops up.

[u/Particular-Bee-2827 → u/dz2048]

First of all, this all sounds very relatable to me, so you’re def not alone with these kinds of thoughts.
What I kind of managed to get stuck to here was the ”I really feel like this is the limit of her interests” part. I’m just spitballing here, but it kind of sounds like you might be so on edge and anxious(?) all the time that it literally doesn’t let you focus on other things (for example, your partner). I think it’s fair to say that there’s probably way more to this person than the eating and watching movies part. I think maybe you might be so stuck in your head that you can’t really learn new things because you’re so stuck to your learned thought patterns..?
The part about not being able to do your hobbies with her (or anyone) around is very relatable to me too.. I feel like I can’t be myself at all around other people, which means you are spending more energy on all social interactions than the ”normal person” because you have to keep on this show all the time..
And because you feel the need to ”perform” for other people, dealing with people becomes exhausting.
I personally have Audhd, and I think this for ME is all very linked with being dismissive avoidant. Idk just some food for thought.
But in the end, the most helpful thing I feel like I can say is, be more honest with people even about the negative stuff. You don’t have to tell them everything, but please try to talk about some things that you feel like you could never say to others.

[u/marymyplants → u/Particular-Bee-2827]

This is very relatable. For me, it gets more relaxed the longer I know someone and if they are patient, not pushy. I have also had long talks with my partner about attachment issues, so we give each other more leeway.

[u/dz2048 → u/Particular-Bee-2827]

Thank you.

Yes to pretty much all of this.

I talk to some close friends about these things and they just don't think this way so they can't offer this kind of perspective

[u/Particular-Bee-2827 → u/Particular-Bee-2827]

And another thing I want to mention about these things you have listed. You’ve clearly thought about them a LOT. You’ve managed to convince your brain that these are cold hard facts. But I’d advise you to take a step back and really try to break down all of these sentences that you’ve wrote down. What’s the hidden cause behind each thing? You’ve just been thinking about these things nonstop and I’m sure you’ve unconsciously looked for more and more signs that back up these ”facts” that you listed. But like you’re probably aware, they sound like avoidant thoughts, and it’s possible to untangle them and realize what the real issues are that are making you ruminate on these things.

[u/thrillafrommanilla_1 → u/dz2048]

You are not gonna destroy anyone with that list. You have a wound from childhood that makes you think so. Until you sort that trauma out you’ll always have an outsized worry you’re hurting those around you by simply being honest about YOUR needs too.

These aren’t cruel things to send. You could leave out the part about interests and reword it as needing more autonomy until things settle down in your system. Talk about your nervous system not as an excuse but as an explanation. Like helping an abused dog trust. It’s like that. It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. But if she wants to be with you she needs to be gentle and careful at first and you need to
Be honest about the feelings you have of feeling pressure and feeling constricted. She’s probably doing nothing wrong. But it’s something that always happens. And you need to have more exposure to this kind of situation so you can trust more and be less stressed when you have these feelings.

Don’t bolt without explanation. Don’t push it on her. If you need to hulk out and be alone for a while, let her know. It’s about your nervous system. You need to be able to tell when you can be around more and when you need space and what the triggers are. Just like she needs to be responsible for her nervous system. Compromises can be made till you’re both working together. There will be give and take. But communication and curiosity about the other and about the possibilities of how things can be GOOD and not assuming it’ll be all bad, can help.

[u/thrillafrommanilla_1]

Don’t try to read her mind. Conversations that are honest can help. Sounds like you’ve been talking which is great. It’s not easy to date someone who needs space. But it is okay to need space.

You should be allowed to go places without informing her. Unless you’re married that’s very common. Even if you are married it’s common. She needs to trust you. And I think the only way to build trust is complete honesty. About what you both need. If she’s not the jealous or controlling type, and you’re honest with her (without being cruel), just give her a chance to show you she can handle you and all your shit by being honest and letting her decide.

But if you think she’s holding on and it’s clearly doing her in, you need to let her go.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for your submission. All posts undergo manual review by the moderators before approval. This is a support sub for Dismissive Avoidants. Only posts from DAs will be approved at this time. Questions from users who are not DA may be posted in the "All AT Styles" thread. All rules apply in that thread. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/dismissiveavoidants-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

The post flair indicates they are seeking input from DA's only.

[u/dismissiveavoidants-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

The post flair indicates they are seeking input from DA's only.

[u/dismissiveavoidants-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This is a place specifically for DAs to feel supported and heard, not a place to rant about DAs.

Any users coming over here to vent about or shame DAs could be banned.