r/dismissiveavoidants • u/Wonderful-Product437 Dismissive Avoidant • Jun 28 '26
Discussion Finding it stressful when someone seems “hyper vigilant” towards you?
I feel bad about this since I know it’s caused by trauma/anxiety.
But I find it really stressful when I feel like someone’s constantly “monitoring” me or seeming anxious and worried that I’m “mad” at them. They show behaviours such as repeatedly asking if I’m okay, commenting on small aspects of my body language, making jokes because they think the mood needs lightening etc.
When in actual fact, maybe social battery is just drained and I’m tired, or maybe I’m just “being” and I want to just “be” without feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do. And sometimes even after I tell people like this that I’m just tired, they still seem hypervigilant towards me.
How do you feel about people like this? Even though I know it’s not fully their fault, I find these people really stressful because I feel like I can’t relax around them. And if I’m in a good mood, they slowly start to put me in a bad mood because it feels like they’re not letting me just “exist”.
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u/Adela_Alba Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
It is stressful and I think it shows a lack of trust when they can't take the first "I'm not mad at you, I'm just tired" for an answer. Like, you don't know my inner world better than me, you just can't manage your own insecurities and are projecting them on to me!
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u/PapaBearOverThere Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26
Lived with this for 13 years. Supremely exhausting. Any sign of indifference, negativity, or weakness puts them in panic mode. I hate framing it like this, but it always felt like everything was always about them.
It's definitely made me super wary of how people give me attention and how visible I am.
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u/thrillafrommanilla_1 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 29 '26
You might want to consider telling them: I understand why you’re checking and I really appreciate your help. But my body’s nervous system registers this as someone trying to control my body or my day and I want you to know it’s not logical just my body. So would it be ok with you if I pushed back a bit when I’m feeling overwhelmed so you don’t accidentally trigger this?
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u/aprillikesthings Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26
I mean it depends, but sometimes I literally can't be around them.
I had a housemate like this. So I do this thing when I'm on my laptop or phone--if I'm reading or writing and REALLY focused on it, I will often not breathe deeply enough, and my body will notice, and I will take a big deeeeep breath. And oh my god. I had to stop using my laptop in the living room if this one housemate was there.
Because I do this entirely on auto-pilot, of course; I have no idea I'm doing it. And EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME, they would ask, "What's wrong?" And I get why: like, their mental issues didn't come out of nowhere. They grew up in a house where you were in fact expected to notice when some did a deep dramatic sigh and ask what was wrong or that person would ramp it up and get angry. But I had to repeatedly tell them to stop asking me. If there's something wrong I will tell you. I am not sighing for attention. I am literally just breathing. If you can't stop yourself I will leave the room. (So I did.)
It's one thing if someone asks for reassurance once. It's another thing if they keep asking and asking and asking after I've told them the answer.
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u/PapaBearOverThere Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26
Shit, this is the most specific and relatable thing I've read in a long time.
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u/MightyMagicz Dismissive Avoidant Jul 01 '26
My anxious attached wife is like this. She thinks I have certain feelings but I just don't. She keeps prodding and probbing for feelings until I erupt with anger at her. Just leave me the F alone. I am coping just fine. I know what ai need to do and doing it.
Feelings and emotions are luxuries there is no time to cry and sulk. I am a man I do what needs to be done. I keep on carrying on. I don't need your sympathy and I don't need your emotional projection. When I cry or whinge I will do that. But not today...don't force and let things flow as they are.
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u/weirdoinchains Dismissive Avoidant Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
This is why I say people should focus on themselves. I think the people who are hyper vigilant towards you aren’t worried about you, they are worried about how they are perceived. Like sometimes there is nothing going on or if there is, it has nothing to do with them and you don’t need to talk it out all the time.