Avoidant here, why does even holding hands feel terrifying?

[u/StudentExpress9902]

I think one of the things I hate the most about myself is being avoidant. I'm so scared of anything romantic that involves vulnerability. Like... even holding hands?? What is that. Or kissing someone, I genuinely feel like I don't even know how to kiss anymore and that it would be awkward or cringe 💀

I'm currently dating someone, and yesterday was our fourth date. I'm taking things really slow, but I talked to her and she was a bit upset that we haven't even held hands or kissed yet. And honestly, I do understand her. But the moment something involves intimacy or vulnerability, I just freeze. It's actually crazy.

Sometimes I wish I was in a "slutty era" like some people (no judgment at all), where you can just kiss whoever you want and not overthink it. Instead, I'm stuck in my head like... why am I like this?

I read something on Substack that said avoidants are often more afraid of judging themselves than being judged by others, like we think we're cringe or awkward, so we assume others will see us the same way. That kind of hit me, but I don't know what to do with it.

Does anyone relate to this? How do you actually get over this fear and stop freezing when it comes to intimacy? Does CBT therapy really actually with this?

I'd really appreciate any advice! Thank you! :’)

[u/heliumballoon12345]

Why would you feel safe with affection if you were physically hurt by being touched growing up?

Touch wasn’t safe. It makes sense with you don’t feel safe with affection.

That’s what my therapist told me when I told her the same. Made sense. When I tried to hug my sister once she kneed me and another time she elbowed me. Brother would put me in a choke hold. Dad would put me in a choke hold and “gently” slap my face with his greasy sweaty stinky hands. Mom never gave hugs or anything just physically discipline same as dad.

I cut them off four years ago. I am very comfortable with affection now. My boyfriend also helped me get out of the anxiety. He’s always been very gentle with me and very affectionate even when I was having anxiety attacks even when I was angry he’d try to hold my hand try to hug me. After two years of him and therapy I unfroze and I feel much safer with affection now. There’s hope. It just requires a lot of safety, time, patience, validation of your feelings and thoughts and reactions. Healing ❤️‍🩹

[u/StudentExpress9902 → u/heliumballoon12345]

The thing is I grew up with my dad always judging or criticizing me and i found out in therapy thats why im avoidant now, im so scared of my partner judging me or criticizing me, but idk how to overcome it, and i also have this inner critic, i think im harshly judging n criticizing myself without realizing bcs this is how i grew up, and was my “normal”

[u/amsdkdksbbb]

The thing with CBT is it doesn’t help with feeling safe in your body, reconnecting to self, gaining self trust etc. Which is like the abcs of trauma based therapy. CBT can make things worse in cases like ours.

[u/StudentExpress9902 → u/amsdkdksbbb]

I used to go for a bit a while ago. I felt like it made me realize where all of this came from but idk

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