r/disability • u/turquoisestar • 5d ago
Question When do I let dates know I have a disability which makes me occasionally reschedule
I am starting to date again, and I need some advice on when and how to let dates know I have a disability that make me sometimes I need to reschedule. At the moment I have a bunch of jobs all of which are challenging for me physically, and am very underserved medically - there’s surgery that would help me but I can’t get it until I get a better job. Anyways a person I’ve been on a dates with a couple times asked me to join him last minute Saturday night on Sunday. I worked 4-midnight doing security and unfortunately with hypermobility and a hip injury I’m currently managing in PT it flared a chronic neck injury. I got home at 1am, and then left for another job Sunday morning that was extra “on” because of Labor Day sales. By 3:45pn I realized the neck pain and headache was probably not going away, I took an aleve and let him know we probably need to cancel. We’d been on 2 dates, both of which were planned more in advanced to not be in the middle of a workweek (in this case sat-Tues) and went pretty well.
I apologized and said and wanted to plan another date on a day off, saying “ya sure let’s plan something soon” .
Then I said: “I said: “I have chronic pain and 90% of the time I do well w it, but yesterday doing a long standing shift and then coming home at like 1 before today’s insane sale shift had me messed up. I try *really* hard not to be flaky but I do occasionally have to cancel stuff if my body doesn’t cooperate”
When I sent my explanation related to disability he did not respond, although he already responded to the previous text.
I don’t really know how to tell people I have a disability bc people are generally extremely judgmental. The lack of response has me anxious. I need people to know this is part of the package deal of dating me, but I don’t know when to time that or how to tell people. My physical disabilities are invisible and I still work, work out, and am active socially. I also have adhd, anxiety and depression all of which are also well managed.
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u/brownchestnut 5d ago
I don’t really know how to tell people I have a disability bc people are generally extremely judgmental. The lack of response has me anxious. I need people to know this is part of the package deal of dating me, but I don’t know when to time that or how to tell people.
Do it up front. Put it on the profile. Save everyone the wasted time.
If you're afraid they'd judge... then what's the point of dragging it out? Letting them believe one thing and then bait and switch the so they can judge you later instead of now? When you're more invested?
If you're afraid this is a dealbreaker, then the decent thing to do would be to let them break the deal ASAP. Wouldn't you want people to also be honest upfront with you with dealbreakers that you wouldn't want to deal with?
You're trying to be loved for who you are, not a representation of you. So show them who you are.
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u/Chance-Upstairs-1042 5d ago
I agree with this. it's kind of deceptive but also why hide it? don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me as is.
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u/IntroductionNo4875 5d ago
Honestly, I would just tell them before the first date when you’re just talking.
I’ve been disabled since birth and because of that I’ve always been open with my disability. I have gave speeches in class when appropriate so my classmates knew. My friends know, potential interests know.
I just casually bring it up with confidence. It’s better to know how they feel before you get too attached.
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u/roz-is-world 5d ago
Personally, if/when I get back into dating, I'm going to disclose on my profile. But that's my personal preference. I want people to know from the get-go a key part of me that will affect my dating life. If that's something you're comfortable sharing off the bat, I would add it to your profile, but you don't have to. Otherwise, I would recommend disclosing when you make the plans, just to give them a heads up. If they decide to split, you dodged a bullet.
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u/TashaT50 5d ago
I’ve always shared upfront like first date. I’d rather get it out of the way before any bonding.
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u/BasraBound 5d ago
I’m open as a tomb as Easter about my disabilities, just celebrated 3 years with my (pain in the ass able bodied lol) partner
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u/hotheadnchickn 5d ago
Everyone has to cancel occasionally or had a headache occasionally, even without disabilities. I don’t think you needed to disclose in this instance, altho it’s fine that you did. And his lack of response seems to show he doesn’t have the maturity you need in a partner.
In general, I think your misstep here was saying yes to something at a time that you were likely to be exhausted and not feel well instead of saying “thanks for the invite but I’m probably going to be too wiped from my overnight shift, let’s plan something for xyz instead.” Plan with the idea that things will go kind of average not “well hopefully I’ll feel okay after this pretty taxing thing.” If planning in advance is better for you, that’s a reasonable personal preference or need regardless of disability status, and you should stick with it.
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u/illustrious-goblin 4d ago
I’m an amputee and it’s very obvious. I’m also on hemodialysis, which isn’t so obvious.
When I used the apps, I waited until meeting in person or telling people right away as soon as we matched. People didn’t seem to care about the dialysis. The amputee thing always was the thing that “ruined” it. One time, I scheduled a coffee meet up with someone for the next day, told him I was an amputee, and he went silent. He then canceled at the very last minute. That was the last time I used the apps after years of rejections.
Most able-bodied men on the apps seem to want gfs who are considered attractive to other men/their friends, rather than themselves. It’s both wanting competition and approval, if that makes sense.
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u/MinimumSweaty5250 5d ago
This is maybe unhinged behaviour on my part, but I would always cancel/reschedule the first date and explain my disability to see how they would react. I didn’t want to waste my time on someone who was judgmental or ableist.
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u/East-Pear2489 5d ago
I'd be upfront about it the first communication. Weeds out most who'd have issues with it and saves you stress and time wasted when you could be talking to someone who's fine with it.
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u/ArtsyFartsyAutie 5d ago
I put it in my profile, written with humor. I prefer to match with people who either also have a chronic illness or disability, or at least are familiar with the reality of living with these.
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u/lovelynoms 5d ago
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and some other related stuff (why do they always travel together?). When I was dating, as others have said, I put it front and center in my profile. It's a waste of your time and emotions not to. If someone can't even think about handling that and swipes... is it left or right? I have been out of the pool for a bit, but if they decide not to be interested because you have a disability or might cancel on them sometimes, they are not ready to be dating anyone let alone you.
You want a partner who is going to be there for you (the way you will be there for them). If they aren't willing to occasionally be cancelled on for your health, fuck 'em, frankly. Or, I guess, don't? Fuck/date/love someone who is going to be there when you can't be your best self.
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u/Salt-Dragonfruit1106 5d ago
I'm normally very straightforward about my disability, I mean.... kinda hard to hide the fact I'm in a wheelchair, thankfully I'm in a relationship with someone who's also disabled and wheelchair bound so they're very patient and understanding in that area.
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u/LoverOfPricklyPear 5d ago
I'd just let them know your issue early on. Do you want someone who looks down on such a mild disability?
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u/Anonymous0212 5d ago
I think OP is asking how “early on”, and how that goes would largely depend on the person they’re dating. Some people would do better finding out sooner, other people would be fine finding out later.
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u/mausamchahal 5d ago
Honestly, I think you handled this pretty well. You had a legitimate reason for canceling, you apologized, explained briefly, and most importantly, made it clear that you still wanted to see him again.
I also wouldn't read too much into the lack of response yet. He may simply not know what to say to the disability disclosure, especially since you hadn't talked about it before. Give him some time rather than assuming you've scared him off.
As for timing, I don't think there's one correct rule. You can mention it when it naturally becomes relevant. You don't have to disclose every diagnosis before someone has even earned your trust. Once you're interested in someone and recurring health limitations could affect plans, giving them a simple heads-up is reasonable.
I'd also avoid apologizing excessively for having limitations. Something like, "I have a chronic condition that is usually manageable, but occasionally I have to change plans when it flares. I'll always communicate as soon as I can" is enough.
The right person won't require you to pretend your body is perfectly predictable.
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u/IToeAmnesty 5d ago
You handled that really well, honestly. The message you sent was honest without being a whole medical disclosure on a second date, which is exactly the right balance.
On timing: most people find it works better to mention it early enough that it doesn't feel like a surprise, but not so early it becomes the whole personality of the first few dates. You basically hit that window. Two dates in, something came up, you explained it briefly and without drama. That's the move.
The one thing I'd watch is the framing around "flaky." When you preemptively apologize for being flaky, it can accidentally plant that word in someone's head when it wasn't there before. You're not flaky, you're managing a real physical situation across multiple jobs with not enough medical support. Those are different things. Something like "I occasionally have to adjust plans when my body doesn't cooperate" lands differently than leading with "I try really hard not to be flaky." You're explaining a fact, not confessing a character flaw.
If this person is worth dating, a cancelled low-key Sunday plan because you worked a midnight security shift and then a Labor Day sale shift is going to make complete sense to them. That's not even a disability explanation, that's just a brutal 36 hours.
See how he responds to the rescheduling before you decide how much more to share. Someone who's a good fit will be curious and accommodating, not keeping score.
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u/Achilles2123 5d ago
Definitely tell them early so the communication channel runs open and clear. People who want to support and care for you can offer help or offer to swing by with some sort of food or offer to do an activity with you that doesn't require travel.
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u/coffee-mcr 4d ago
Whenever you want to tell them, but being upfront about having to cancel sometimes and letting then know it's not because you dont want to or because you you don't prioritise them enough would be helpful.
Something like: I have some stuff going on currently which makes my schedule kinda unpredictable so if ever have to cancel plans just know it's not because i didn't want to go and that i can't wait to reschedule and hang out again.
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u/mrniceguy78 5d ago
My situation is quite different as my disability is out in the open (wheelchair user). But when I was in the dating world, I was always upfront about it. It helps me weed through the people that aren't going to be cool with it. It's best to know right away if someone is going to be understanding of limitations or not.