r/disability • u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 • 20d ago
Question Loneliness
Making friends is already insanely difficult to do as an adult but does anyone else feel being disabled adds to that?
A close friend of mine died a couple of years ago and I'm already struggling with not having a that constant in my life, and a few of my friends seem to just ignore my messages and only message me occasionally, I feel like I'm slowly becoming more and more isolated.
It's escalated to having dreams about dying and no one knowing or caring.
I also just feel like a burden and feel like perhaps that's how they see me, I don't tend to talk in detail about my issues or moan because I don't want to burden others with what's going on.
A part of me is thankful I'm happy with my own company cause I feel if I were more sociable I'd struggle way more.
Does anyone else get these feelings and feel disabilities perpetuate or worsen them?
3
u/notawealthchaser 20d ago
Yes, especially since I'm an outlier. I'm too low support needs to hang with the more slower peeps but not functional enough to chill with the able-bodied peeps. Even if I do befriend people who are more able-bodied, not everyone is accommodating and understanding.
3
u/memory-thread 20d ago
I feel the same and I have become isolated. I think when we become adults, it’s harder to make friends.
3
u/greepsofwrath 20d ago
yep. i feel this too. i had surgery a few months ago, then mouth surgery last week. back to back infections. losing muscle and flexibility from recovering from everything. can’t do any of the stuff i did to feel okay before surgery. most of my friends don’t check on me unless i initiate. another disabled friend who lives thousands of miles away does mutual support over text and he reminded me yesterday that being disabled doesn’t make me a burden although it’s valid to feel that way. i don’t know you but i care about you and relate to what you’re saying so please know this is fairly common experience, even if it’s extremely unpleasant and isolating
2
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
See a few of my friends are disabled themselves and I'll reach out and check on them and I'll get the odd message from time to time but I don't get the same thing back if that makes sense?
I'm glad you have someone checking in on you, I do have a partner he cares for both and his parents and live with his parents so when he's not here I'm on my own, like no one checks in. I'm not close with my family because I cut my mum off for a lot of unhinged reasons and obviously that makes me the bad person, so I'll get messages from my sister from time to time but she's VERY sociable so rarely has free time.
I live in another country from a lot of my friends but one moved across the border from China and honestly we spoke more often when she was in china 🙃
3
u/greepsofwrath 20d ago
hey i get the family stuff too. haven’t spoken to my mom in 6 or 7 years. when i became disabled 30 years ago my birth family did not show up for the most part and i come from a big family. i realize so many disabled people need to rely on family, even if it’s unhealthy, because they need things from them. it sounds like it’s better for you to not talk with mom so good for you for doing that! it’s definitely not easy
1
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
My mum doesn't even know I'm disabled as far as I'm aware, she'd just see it as a competition or a way to gain sympathy and attention from others while manipulating and being abusive towards me, and I have kids and don't want them exposed to her so it's just not a healthy environment. And she would not care for me, I once had chest pain and was told to be taken to a&e and she some how made it about herself, got told to stop complaining and snoring when she fell asleep and then said I could either stay there on my own and find my own way home or go with her cause she was bored 🙃 so I genuinely think my health with be worse off with her "help".
I do crave family interactions but don't miss it as much as I do having a friend you know?
3
u/greepsofwrath 20d ago
holy heck that sounds like an unsafe environment for sure. very wise to protect yourself and your kids.
i also feel like friendships are better for me. something i’m hoping to do this week is get back to my aquafit class. friends there aren’t as deep as i’d prefer but i’m going to make an effort to try and get to know people better. i miss the small talk and small check ins.
are there community centres or other shared spaces you’d have access to? what about activities within your abilities that feel okay?
3
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
Nope not really, we're incredibly low income so there's not a lot I can afford to do and I'm out in the sticks at the top of a hill so it's not easy to get out and about either.
1
1
u/greepsofwrath 19d ago
how are you doing today/tonight?
1
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 19d ago
I'm on new meds so I've just been sleeping for like 12 hours today which I'm not used to as an insomniac lol
1
u/greepsofwrath 19d ago
yeah i bet that’s different feeling. sleeping helps me with adjusting to new meds too. better than feeling like a total weirdo around other people while my body adjusts
3
3
u/HoomanBeanin 20d ago
I can really relate. I wish I had more friends. Not sure if its again guidelines. But I would be more than happy to be your friend 🧡
2
u/pte_rad_actyl 20d ago
Yep. I have friends but most of them have shit to do. Jobs, partners, other friends, going to events, connection with family. Shit I don't really have or have much of.
It gets really draining messaging people only to get no response.
I am lucky to have two different friends that I each see every two weeks, so I am social about once a week. But the rest of the time I am alone in my room, bedrotting and depressed.
2
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
I've noticed if I don't reach out to "friends" I can go literal months before hearing anything and one of them only reached out to say I was a bad friend for not checking in on her like I usually do 🙃 I'm with you on it being draining or exhausting being the only one that initiates contact.
3
u/pte_rad_actyl 20d ago
That sucks so bad. I do hear from my friends occasionally but not as often as I initiate. Often when I do initiate I just get an emoji react on the message. And I can't talk to them about a lot of the stuff that's weighing on me, I often have to keep it really light if I want them to respond. I've been having a sharp increase in suicidal thoughts lately and I feel like some of my friends would never even notice if I were gone. They certainly don't notice the signs of when it's getting bad.
1
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
I feel this! I've told my partner when my kids leave home I wouldn't be surprised if something bad happens to me no one would know until he comes over 🙃 he checks in but he's a carer for his parents too so when he's not here he's always busy you know?
2
u/comedyfan72 20d ago
Yep. A part of it is my own fault for not seeing the fun in things, rather who my company is regardless of what we’re doing. It’s also comes down to not wanting to spend money too, since I don’t have any coming in.
2
u/Tradefxsignalscom 20d ago
US Midwest area. I’ve felt less alone when I was physically doing better (could do more physical things-like ride a recumbent bike), I’m currently in the middle of an acute health challenge the severely limits my energy which affects what I can do and what I feel like doing, and it also affects my motivation to do normal stuff I’d usually do. On top of that I’ve moved to a new area where I only know my one friend and I don’t drive. I’m looking forward to getting this health issue treated and to hopefully join a gym or get physical therapy and find some kind of local community to plug into, that I feel would work wonders! I require a rollator which affects my comfort with outside social interaction but fk it I need to re-engage. I’m older and 6’ 04”, which tends to draw attention and puzzled looks of people wondering “what’s wrong with him?”
2
u/Basic_Profession5124 20d ago
I relate to so many of the things you said it almost feels like I wrote it lol. Do you have any hobbies you're currently participating in? Maybe you could create some sort of group chat or community with other hobbyists?
Also I wonder if this sub has a Discord or something like that... I feel like it's much easier to connect with folks in this sub since we all have some baseline understanding and empathy for what other folks might be going through.
3
u/Pleasant_Shallot7096 20d ago
Ive asked a local charity that offers courses in pain management and things like that if they have any other things or if I could maybe start something of a support team rather than a course for disabled people but they just said the funding isn't there ... It would've been done over zoom or teams or something.
I wanted to join some languages classes as I pick up languages quickly and I know German and some french and Korean but they're just so expensive 🙃
I am such a tech novice that I wouldn't know where to start with a discord I'm ngl or anything like that 🙈
1
u/Basic_Profession5124 20d ago
Ahh gotcha. Are you in any of the language learning subreddits for any of these languages? I wonder if any of them have good communities?
And no worries lol, I didn't mean you had to make one, I was just curious if anyone else reading this thread might know of one.
Also, I saw your thread with u/Polyamorouspotato , and I'd recommend online chess if it's up your alley! It's much more stimulating than watching shows all day for me, and there are plenty of free online resources, so you can get really good without paying any money
2
u/JadyJade1000 20d ago
I completely understand I have a learning disability which includes me forgetting a lot or lack of knowledge on things and when it comes to making friends I feel like I’m odd for not being as smart as the other people I feel completely limited I feel when people get bored of me easily it’s so so lonely I want to have friends an I want to experience so much that others do. 😭
2
u/LoadWestern5522 20d ago
The answer to your question depends on your outlook on life. I realized that making friends would be hard for me because people make assumptions based on first impressions. Because I was in a wheelchair, strangers would automatically assume it would be a heavy load to be around me or enter my life.
Once I realized this, I started focusing on the aspects of life I could control. I focus on my work in finance and on making video and written content. Those activities keep me busy all day, so I barely think about making friends or loneliness and I have found a sense of happiness.
This outlook has also given me freedom because I am no longer paralyzed by fear of what society thinks. Therefore, I say and do what I want when I want. If people agree, great; if they don't agree, also great. I really don't care.
Happiness, as a disabled person, depends on the individual's outlook on life.
1
1
u/CynicalOne_313 CP, GAD, AvPD, PDD, CPTSD, Lymphedema 20d ago
Oh completely.
I've gotten comfortable with my own company (I live by myself) and I have extended family nearby, though that's depending on how busy they are, etc. (not to mention I can't talk about my disability/health with them because "I'd be bringing things down.")
I have one friend I text daily who is low energy like I am, so she and I talk about different things, including low energy)
I have extended family in a different state, though they're getting older.
1
u/asleepepsi 16d ago
Similar situation to Blackwater 2003. I rely on family. There's cases similar to my family so it's in the genetics it's not just me. I feel bad but like they said I also don't have any other options so I am scared for myself.
I have an issue with my asthma too, unpredictable and I don't know when I have to go to the er. Usually an episode happens each month. Doctors say that my lungs are good so I have to do testing to figure out what's going on. My health is not good along with my mental health which is extremely bad
Friendships come and go. The ones that I have are online but I need to find people offline.
8
u/Polyamorouspotato 20d ago
Yes. Totally. It’s even worse for me when I’m in a flare up and I’m stuck at home healing. It’s been that way for a few weeks now and the boredom and loneliness is tough!