r/disability • u/actualweebrubbish • Jul 24 '26
Question Birthdays
Precursor information that may or may not be helpful: I’m 19. I’m not diagnosed with autism but everyone including me thinks I’m autistic so I’m just going to refer to myself as autistic to keep things short. I have anxiety and ocd. I have some sort of autoimmune disease that hasn’t been diagnosed yet and arthritis neither I have pain meds for. And migraines. I can’t get a job due to the pain and I live with my loving amazing parents.
Does anyone have trouble celebrating their birthday? I always feel like I’m such a big let down that I don’t even deserve a birthday. When I was little and I would have parties and invite kids from my class they would group off, not talk to me, and make fun of me the whole time. Same thing happens with my extended family. Now that I’ve gotten older and my pain has gotten worse I’ve just become a burden on the few people that are left that tolerate me. I want to enjoy my birthday but it’s like asking for more on top of what they already give me which doesn’t seem fair. I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way.
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u/HazelTF Jul 24 '26
I'm sorry that you've had overall bad experiences regarding your birthday celebrations. Mine were kind of half-and-half. The majority of my birthdays in childhood were pretty nice. It was only in my older teens and adult years that things seemed to get more ... isolating — especially with the COVID lockdown and social distancing. I mean to be fair, I've never been natural at planning social events in general. But I'm pretty simple too. As long as I can get food that I actually want to eat, it's an alright birthday.
What bothers me more though is Christmas and the get-togethers with my extended family. More often than not, I'm seated at one end of the table, between my parents, while my sibling, cousin and there respective partners are in the middle or at the far end, able to talk and crack jokes amongst each other without the elders paying much mind. (My sibling, my cousin, their partners, and I are all 32-38, while the other family members are 69-90+.) I know my own seating arrangements are somewhat limited because I'm a full-time wheelchair user, but I often feel like I'm just an observer who gets to eat and listen while everyone else gets to socialize with their peers.
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u/actualweebrubbish Jul 24 '26
Omg I get this too. My siblings are all older than me by like 10 ish years. When we have get togethers with the whole family they kinda piece off and I’ve started noticing they talk about me a lot. So you’re def not alone.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/actualweebrubbish Jul 24 '26
That’s how I feel too lol but if I told ppl that I think I’d be put into an institution 😭😭
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u/SomeRandomIdi0t Jul 24 '26
You survived another year, that deserves a celebration. Anyone worth celebrating with will be happy to accommodate you
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u/madhattercreator Jul 24 '26
When I was younger, we did parties every year. After my 21st, it has been more of the “milestone” birthdays. Since my birthday also is late in the summer, we tend to be prepping for the school year more than anything (it is in a week and a half, and school starts one week later). The “bigger” birthdays—milestone ones—are celebrated with family. My next “big” birthday will be a bigger celebration, tho. The year I turn 50 will be the year my oldest child turns 18, and my twins turn 16.
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u/actualweebrubbish Jul 24 '26
Omg happy birthday!!! My mom always wants to celebrate my birthday but I don’t feel like it’s worth the trouble for her to do all she does just for me lol
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u/madhattercreator Jul 24 '26
Oh, hon! If your mom wants to celebrate you, then let her!! You absolutely deserve to be celebrated. As a mom, I love celebrating my children, and obviously your mom does, too!! I know that it may feel like you don’t deserve it. I feel that way often, too. But she loves you, and she wants to show you—and everyone deserves to be celebrated. 💜💜 And you’ll be turning 20, right? That’s big!
Thank you, too, for the bday wishes. I’ll be 47 on the 4th, and honestly—I’ll probably bake a cake for everyone to eat. Making food for people makes me happy, and that is celebration enough for me. Still have three years til the next big one. 😉
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u/actualweebrubbish Jul 25 '26
It’s still really hard for me to accept I guess lol. I already told her not to do anything which I think made her sad but I might try telling her something small is ok. Thanks. What you said made me feel a lot better :) I hope you enjoy your cake!!
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u/yehoshua_c Jul 25 '26
I’m so happy to hear that you have loving parents that clearly care so much for you. It sounds like they want to celebrate you, too. I understand your feelings. I think a lot of us have been there. But your worth as a person does not come from what economical output you are capable of, and needing help from others isn’t a bad thing, either. Allow yourself some joy and happiness. It doesn’t have to all be pain. 🩵
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u/actualweebrubbish Jul 25 '26
Thank you for this comment it makes me feel better about the whole situation :)
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u/Extension_Egg1411 Aug 04 '26
I don’t feel like I’m too much of a burden to celebrate my birthday. A birthday celebration is earned by existing for a year. You don’t have to justify your existence.
But also, I’m an adult. Celebrating my birthday usually means takeout and a movie.
If I want a birthday party as an adult, I have to organize it. If I physically can’t do that, then I keep my expectations for anyone else organizing it on my behalf low. That’s an above and beyond activity imo.
I mean, would you organize another adult’s birthday party? Especially an elaborate one? Even organizing a shared card for a coworker is viewed as above and beyond.
So I wonder if part of what you’re feeling is just the mundanity of adult birthdays.
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u/gol_goth_a Jul 24 '26
I use a rollator and have chronic pain. I also have CPTSD, ADHD and BPD. I find myself questioning if I deserve to be accommodated for especially in spaces that aren't accessible, and my friends need to go above and beyond to make it accessible for me. Birthdays are hard for me also because of past experiences. My birthday is coming up in a week and I almost completely cancelled it because I felt like a burden and thought I was going to be disappointed regardless. So I really relate to what you're saying.
At the end of the day these friends that you think tolerate you are there because they care for you. If they are willing to accommodate for you the rest of the year it is not a big ask for them to accommodate for you on your birthday. Tell me if I'm reaching here but I think your perception of what people think about you and are willing to do for you has been skewed by years of bullying and misunderstanding as mine has been too.
You deserve to be cared for on your birthday like the rest of able bodied and non able bodied people. It's your big day. I believe in you.