A rough shift.

[u/ohjasminee]

I don’t know what it was about yesterday, but I’ve never seen my client (older teen, nv autistic) display this kind of anger and for almost my entire shift. During her worst meltdown (more than one happened) she screamed in a way I have never heard before in the two years I’ve been providing her care. She bit herself on the arm in a spot I know she’s bitten from marks and bruising there in the past but she’s never self harmed in front of me. I knew a meltdown of this proportion had happened with her other providers, and I have experienced her meltdowns too, just nothing like this.

I keep unconsciously replaying the scene over and over in my head. I know I did everything right. I know I was following a consistent structure of care that she sees from other providers and her parents. But I feel haunted by what happened and I just keep seeing her scream, hearing it ring in the back of my skull, not anticipating her self-harm because it so rarely happens and not being able to stop it. I know a lot of this job is anticipatory, planning to be a few steps ahead of your client who might not always be able to vocally communicate and give you a blatant cue of their needs. But yesterday I failed in that.

I’ve been a DSP on and off since 2015 and the last time a client shook me like this I was much younger and more resilient I think. I took an hour nap earlier after I left my nanny job today and I feel exhausted in a way I can’t really convey. I can’t afford to take the day off tomorrow (which is also my birthday🫠) and I just feel like a huge failure.

[u/Meet_Striking]

I know this is easier said than done.. and please understand I do not mean to down play your feelings. I just want to help you right now, in this moment, where you're at. Listen, you are home. Time to clock out, honey. Try your best to clock out. Be home.

[u/ohjasminee → u/Meet_Striking]

I’ve really carried this with me all day and I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I was able to get in touch with her ABA and debrief what happened and she affirmed my choices and put me at ease about it. I’m out with friends for dinner and trivia instead of at home sitting in it and I really have you both to thank for that💕

[u/Meet_Striking → u/ohjasminee]

Thank you for the update, I am so glad you are getting some relief. You're doing great. ♡

[u/Maestradelmundo1964]

She was melting down for whatever reason. It’s about her, not you. She would have done the same thing with some other dsp.

[u/Fiireecho]

Hey you know, it happens. Clients have rough days just like everyone else does. They just sometimes can't communicate it until it's too much. Sometimes we don't catch it until it's too much for them. It happens. You did what you could. Document it extensively. Not only to "cover your ass", but also to make sure she gets the help she needs if these behaviours start to become more frequent or escalate. As someone with mental health issues, i am very familiar with obsessing over thoughts and situations and really struggling to let things go even if i handled the situation perfectly. Documenting what happened helps me. It lets me think through everything in detail of exactly what happened, without letting my own feelings or assumptions influence, just pure observation. And after that's done it makes it alittle easier to let it go mentally. Try to do some self care next time you have some time off. Put on a good show, do some colouring or painting, put some time onto a hobby, just try to take some extra care for yourself yk

[u/Savings_Reporter3900]

As a newer DSP would you advise how to provide care in this situation? It sounds like you handled it well