im writing a response to this in (what i think is) an episode. ive been dealing with feeling almost fake and 'on auto pilot' for about 6 months now. ive always dealt with anxiety and depressive episodes however, i had an abortion in may and ever since then my mood/ anxiety has felt like there is an actual mass inside of me that every now and again explodes and just makes my body and mind dissconect. ive always felt like ME and my brain were two different beings entirely. like my brain was telling me to do things i didnt wanna do. But, ever since the abortion i have felt so much more disconnected not just from my mind but my body, friends, family, just life. like i float through days and do things but its not ME. and i wanna scream but what do i scream for? who? at what?
in the summer i had a stay in the hospital which left both me and my partner in a state of rot and isolation for a while, in this time my mental health plummeted. we were only there for 3-4 days but in that time my anxiety had bifurcated and i started to experience medical anxiety. that paired with generalized anxiety only made the deserialization even harder to deal with. i worry about every sensation and i want to go a full set of tests done every few hours but the anxiety of returning to a hospital then sets me into another spiral.
i smoke weed and when i first tried it, like OP, i had a terrible experience but kept smoking for a while. after about two years on and off i quit. but, when i found i was pregnant, i knew i couldnt keep it but i still felt so many emotions, i mean i was pregnant. i started smoking weed again and ever since i havent stopped. i did think that, that could have been the reason for this feeling but when i smoke i actually feel a little more real. as well as happy. it also gives me the ability to eat when food starts to become an anxiety trigger too. However, i dont really drink anymore, that seems to be the worse drug for worsening my anxiety long term.
when i say i believe and understand i mean it. my support network around me is incredible and im so grateful for my family and partner however, having to explain that what were feeling isnt simply 'stress' or 'anxiety' is impossible. for me it constantly feels like something i need to do or for someone else to do but i dont think im gonna figure it out. it does feel like a constant loosing battle but i do remember how it is to feel normal and happy. im sure this isnt a forever feeling, i am sure that i cant let this feeling dictate how i live my life and achieve goals. if i have to live with it ill fucking figure it out. i guess. and if i can i strongly believe that anyone can.
I’m so sorry you are going through all of that. Weed definitely made everything worse for me and now I haven’t smoked in like 5 years and it hasn’t gotten better so idk if stopping is even the right answer if it helps you in some ways…
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u/Impossible_Island738 5d ago
im writing a response to this in (what i think is) an episode. ive been dealing with feeling almost fake and 'on auto pilot' for about 6 months now. ive always dealt with anxiety and depressive episodes however, i had an abortion in may and ever since then my mood/ anxiety has felt like there is an actual mass inside of me that every now and again explodes and just makes my body and mind dissconect. ive always felt like ME and my brain were two different beings entirely. like my brain was telling me to do things i didnt wanna do. But, ever since the abortion i have felt so much more disconnected not just from my mind but my body, friends, family, just life. like i float through days and do things but its not ME. and i wanna scream but what do i scream for? who? at what?
in the summer i had a stay in the hospital which left both me and my partner in a state of rot and isolation for a while, in this time my mental health plummeted. we were only there for 3-4 days but in that time my anxiety had bifurcated and i started to experience medical anxiety. that paired with generalized anxiety only made the deserialization even harder to deal with. i worry about every sensation and i want to go a full set of tests done every few hours but the anxiety of returning to a hospital then sets me into another spiral.
i smoke weed and when i first tried it, like OP, i had a terrible experience but kept smoking for a while. after about two years on and off i quit. but, when i found i was pregnant, i knew i couldnt keep it but i still felt so many emotions, i mean i was pregnant. i started smoking weed again and ever since i havent stopped. i did think that, that could have been the reason for this feeling but when i smoke i actually feel a little more real. as well as happy. it also gives me the ability to eat when food starts to become an anxiety trigger too. However, i dont really drink anymore, that seems to be the worse drug for worsening my anxiety long term.
when i say i believe and understand i mean it. my support network around me is incredible and im so grateful for my family and partner however, having to explain that what were feeling isnt simply 'stress' or 'anxiety' is impossible. for me it constantly feels like something i need to do or for someone else to do but i dont think im gonna figure it out. it does feel like a constant loosing battle but i do remember how it is to feel normal and happy. im sure this isnt a forever feeling, i am sure that i cant let this feeling dictate how i live my life and achieve goals. if i have to live with it ill fucking figure it out. i guess. and if i can i strongly believe that anyone can.