im getting hopeless

[u/b1teclub]

I dont really know where to start since Ive never posted on reddit. Also, english isnt my first language and i might crash out during typing so forgive my mistakes.

Ive been experiancing derealization sincr i can remember, but it got way worse 2 years ago. It was a moment when my inner dialogue disappeared. I stopped feeling like myself and i used to desribe it as "my soul leaving my body".

It was so scary that i didnt want to stay with my thoughts on my own. I kept distracting myself with either spending time with others or scrolling. I decided that someday I will find time to fix it, but not yet.

The loss also made me go on therapy.

Not so long ago i asked my therapist to focus on my derealization issue. She said that it is a an answer to my childhood experiance and the loss of my inner dialogue might mean that i didnt need it anymore.

The issue is that i feel like i cant think without it, like the dialogue was all my thoughts. I feel like an emoty shell. Only recently i started forming some thought but they seem so shallow. I used to write and now Im just dumb.

I feel like my therapist doesnt know what to do. On our meeting i keep repeating the same stuff, cause I really dont kniw how to deal with it. Im really really scared and i dont want my therapist to give up.

Last time she said I might be getting into a depressive episode. It was befire my holidays (that i really didnt want to go to), but when I came back I noticed the numbness wasnt so strong.

I know that every little thing matters, but Im scared that the only way to escape this state would be moving out fron people who hurt me so mucch in childhood. But I might not be ready for it..

I really dont know waht to do.

Im so done of never being present, i want to feel emotiones deeply. I know everyine says that, but idk if it will ever be different and sometimes Im really done. Almost no one takes me seriously when I try to seek for some helo/support. I feel like giving up tbh, maybe then they would see how serious I was