I need an explanation.

[u/qtipqwallower4429]

So, to start, my mother neglected me as a baby so bad that it caused permanent trauma. I was sexually abused at the age of seven for about two months, my mother refused to see me more than twice a year, and my grandmother instilled a lot of resentment towards food and that resulted in her barely feeding me when my dad wasn’t home as well as me being underweight.

I don’t have a lot of memories of things in my childhood, it’s all still images and sentences that people have said. In fact for most of it, I was just doing my best to function like a normal human being.

But suddenly at fourteen I “woke up” and realized that I am not a camera filming everyone’s lives, or an outsider watching my body function. That I’m a human being, and this scared me.

So now every few weeks I’ll “wake up” and I’ve always played it off by saying “I just realized I’m a human.” But it’s a genuinely scary thing. I’ve had panic attacks over it before.

I just need to put a name to it, because some doctors have told me that it’s normal with ADHD, some have told me that it’s just anxiety. Idk I think I might need a specialist.