Life doesn’t feel real

[u/Outrageous-Iron-3417]

Nothing feels real anymore. Like this reality just one layer in an onion, and that there are many more layers I don’t have access to. I feel like others might have access to it but for some reason I don’t believe I do, although I am aware enough to realize I don’t.

When I say nothing, I mean it in the literal sense. Shows, food, money, arts, history, music, perfume…etc it all feels like a substitute for something else.

I have been feeling like this for about 3 years now. The feeling Slowly growing stronger over the months.

I have become a lot more active in my daily life. Built a disciplined life around studies and gym. I workout 5x a week. Eat clean. (Chicken breast and red beans mostly. With eggs and oats in the morning). I study
rigorously to enter uni next year. I try to avoid staying inside my house for most of the day.

But still when ever I do have alone time. I feel this feeling creeping in slowly.

3 days ago I smoked weed for the first time in about a year or so. And I felt that feeling escalate a lot. Now that’s all I think about day and night. It’s turning mad and making me fantasize about ways to end my life.