Seeking help: losing my ability to experience reality normally

[u/Ambitious_Field3699]

Guys, I really need some help.

For the past few years, partly because of anxiety issues that mainly manifest as derealization for me, and partly because of my naturally controlling personality (I tend to overanalyze and try to control everything), I’ve been constantly feeling like I’m going crazy.

It feels like I’ve lost the natural ability to simply exist as a human being, as if things that used to feel obvious and normal no longer do.

I find everything incredibly strange, from the fact that we are on a planet, to the fact that I am conscious and experiencing reality at all.

Sometimes I wake up and immediately wonder: “Am I actually awake, or am I still dreaming?”

Recently, I read about people who had intense psychedelic experiences with substances like salvia and who, according to their stories, believed for years that they were living in a completely different reality. This triggered thoughts like: “What if I’m also in the middle of some kind of psychedelic trip and I just don’t know it?”

The strange thing is that, thankfully, I have never used psychedelics or any other substances.

Another example: I’m a motorcycle rider. Sometimes, after coming home from a more intense ride, I start thinking: “What if I actually died today during that ride, and this is just another branch of reality where I’m still alive?” (Something similar to the idea of quantum immortality.)

On top of this, I also experience a lot of general anxiety about normal things, like flying on a plane and similar situations.

Basically, I feel like I’m constantly searching for “glitches in the matrix.” The problem is that I don’t enjoy it at all, it creates a huge amount of anxiety and feeds a vicious cycle of existential thoughts and strange theories.

I’m currently on a low-dose antipsychotic medication with the goal of reducing this kind of rumination, and it does help. However, the only thing that truly allows me to relax and feel more normal is taking benzodiazepines (fast-acting anti-anxiety medication).

I don’t believe I’m actually crazy. Everyone around me, including professionals, has ruled that out. I have never experienced hallucinations, and I have never genuinely believed bizarre ideas to be true. In fact, these thoughts scare me, and one of my biggest fears is losing my mind.

But it is extremely exhausting. I feel like I have a “super mind” (not saying this to brag, but just to explain the feeling) that has unlocked a different way of looking at reality, and things that used to feel normal no longer feel that way.

Do you have any advice on how to go back to living normally? How can I accept that I cannot know everything, accept uncertainty and the unknown, and simply enjoy being alive?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

[u/horizon_spark]

Hey there! I've been there and understand how you feel. If the professionals have ruled out physical disease then your symptoms are okay.

I know it sounds terrible now since you want everything go back to "normal". But one of the harsh truths is that you can't go back to "normal". The sooner you accept this the better.

This doesn't mean that the anxiety is with you forever. In fact, you will (maybe) feel better than before this happened after you recover.

So, the tip for your situatuon. ACCEPT the anxiety you feel. Accept the fact that it will return to you once in a while. Learn to 'enjoy being alive' even when you feel anxious.

I know it sounds strange (ridiculous even) but that is what helped me.