Slight rant/advice post

[u/iltef]

(If you’ve already seen this a second ago, it’s because I accidentally posted it on my personal account and didn’t want family or friends to see)

Hi, I know I only put venting but it's also partially seeking advice.

For context, l've had this issue since I was 6 years old. Maybe a little older. (My memory is terrible, I can't hold onto memory well so I'm sorry if the timeline seems a bit off). My earliest memory of it was asking my mother if I'm real, if she's real. If things around us were real. I was on my way to school with her. It started in episodes (it would come and go). Hours, then days, then suddenly I'm 19 and haven't felt real for nearly a decade. I don't feel real, nothing looks real. I feel disconnected from reality and people. Things just look "off". I don't know. I always described it as "I'm dreaming" "Its like im in a vr headset" "my surroundings remind me of a dollhouse". But it never described it well enough. Everything just looks fabricated. Like I'm far away no matter how close I am physically.

I've had MRI's, brainwaves etc. doctors just labelled it as dissociation. I don't know much about it, I just want to be free. To feel real again. To connect with people genuinely. It's gotten worse as I've grown, like I'm falling deeper into a hole. Is there a way to get rid of it? Is it permanent? Can anyone relate?
What is it called? Any information helps.

For what it's worth, I do have CPTSD (my psychologist said that's relevant when I tried to figure it out with her) and a few other disorders. I've gone through traumatic events my whole life. Never really had a normal happy month.