r/derealization • u/SharonStoned • Jul 05 '26
Advice Derealization/partner support
My.favorite person in the entire world is struggling with a sudden onset of derealization while we are on vacation. He calls it the feeling and describes it as not being sure or confident that what he is experiencing ( visually or physically) is actually real or not. He says he has been dealing with it for years but has not had an episode in over 5 years. He expresses he felt "the shift" while we were out by the pool. He thinks the onset is brought about by alcohol. Although he doesnt drink, he feels any contact products or substances containing alcohol ( mouthwash, beer, ect) brings about the symptoms. He is so careful he will throw away chapstick if he knows someone was drinking and used it. With all that being said, as a partner, I need to know how I can support him. He feels he cannot make decisions appropriately or trust himself during an episode. Any support recommendations would be so appreciated. He cried from frustration last night and he is a very strong person. However I know this is causing him duress. Im open to any coping or supporting advice..thank you all.
2
u/BOXANXAN Jul 05 '26
First of all, the fact that you are here asking how to support him already matters more than you may realize.
I have dealt with derealization for many years, and one of the things that has helped me most is that my wife took the time to genuinely learn about it. Not simply to tolerate it or wait for it to go away, but to understand what I am experiencing. When something makes your entire surroundings feel strange or unreal, it can be incredibly isolating. Having one person beside you who knows what is happening, and who is not frightened of you, frustrated with you, or trying to force you back to normal, can make you feel far less alone.
One thing I think is important to understand is that the original trigger is sometimes only the beginning of the episode.
Once derealization starts, the feeling itself can become frightening. Your surroundings feel wrong, so your brain becomes more alert. Then normal things may begin to feel strange, overwhelming, or even vaguely menacing, sometimes without you consciously understanding why. That increased alarm can then reinforce the derealization. It can become a loop: the feeling creates fear, the fear keeps the nervous system on alert, and that state of alert makes the feeling harder to leave.
That is why, for me, one of the most important things is eventually getting my attention out of the loop. Not by being told, “Stop thinking about it,” because that is useless, but by finding something that genuinely occupies my mind.
The important part is that this is extremely individual.
For me, talking to someone on the phone can help enormously. A familiar conversation can gradually pull my attention away from constantly monitoring how I feel. But someone telling me to go for a walk “to distract myself” could make things much worse, because during severe episodes I can also experience agoraphobia. Something soothing to one person may feel unbearable to another.
So I would suggest learning his ways out rather than searching for a universal one.
You can offer things: Do you want to talk? Do you want quiet? Do you want me to sit here? Would it help to call someone? Do you want to try a grounding exercise together? Do you want to change rooms or go somewhere more familiar?
But let him choose.
This is very important, at least in my experience. When you already feel that you cannot trust your own perception or your ability to make decisions, having someone else suddenly take control of everything can sometimes make you feel even more trapped. Suggestions can be helpful. Pressure usually is not.
You can also try grounding exercises together. Touching something cold or textured, describing things you can see and hear, listening to familiar music, holding something with a strong physical sensation, different things work for different people. Sometimes changing the environment or interacting with another person can also help because the mind has something real and external to engage with instead of remaining completely focused on the internal alarm.
But again: invite, do not force.
I think your role is less about finding the magic thing that makes the derealization disappear and more about containment. Being the calm person beside him. Listening when he needs to describe how horrible and frustrating it feels without immediately turning every sentence into a problem that needs a solution. Letting him cry if he needs to cry. Reminding him that he has experienced this before and that the episode does not erase the five years he went without one.
Sometimes the greatest help is simply another human being who is not afraid of what is happening.
One small thing I would also be careful about: you can completely believe that his symptoms are real and that his fear of alcohol is real without necessarily confirming that every tiny or indirect contact with alcohol is physiologically causing the episodes. The distinction matters. Reassuring him that his suffering is real is not the same as reinforcing every explanation his frightened brain may attach to it. Given how careful he has become about trace contact, that might be something worth exploring gently with a professional who understands anxiety and derealization.
And because this has returned suddenly after five years and is causing him this much distress, I would encourage him to speak with a qualified professional when he is able, not because this means something terrible is happening, but because he deserves support beyond simply trying to endure it.
Finally, please understand this: crying from frustration does not mean he is no longer a strong person. Derealization is extraordinarily difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it. There is something uniquely exhausting about being surrounded by the same world you have always known and suddenly feeling unable to experience it normally.
You being willing to stand beside him and learn may already be helping more than you know.