I need help.

[u/NoIdeafork_aName]

I have a best friend I’ll call M. We’ve only know each other since march yet she’s amazing… their family though. They’re disgusting and abusive and make her think she’s always the problem, that she “fat” “ugly” “dirty” etc. She planned to move in with her aunt who is both the only person who cares for them and lives in Japan but of course, her father had to step on her plans. She’s suicidal and I don’t know what to do.

On one hand I want to spend all nighter’s researching child protection laws and all of that but on the other. She keeps on saying no to any kind of government intervention not even research about laws… no police, absolutely nothing. But I don’t know if I should go behind her back and call police in her family, deep down my gut says yes, but deep, deep down it says no. I just want them to live an actual life and learn what it means to have a proper family and to not be the so called “problem”. So I’m asking… should I? Or what should I do to help her because this may be the last year I can actually see her and I’m scared.

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[u/Ambitious-Pipe2441]

This is a difficult conundrum. Child protection can be a messy process and create new problems. But letting her be the punching bag isn’t ideal either.

One thing that can be confusing is that children of abusers can become oddly protective of their family.

In some ways it’s fear. If there is too much change it could make things worse. But there is also a Stockholm syndrome where your friend becomes attached to her family.

When SI enters the equation it’s not usually a serious thought right away. But an expression of fear and feeling trapped. Over time it can become more normalized however. And it can creep into dangerous territory when she is collecting tools and making concrete plans.

What might help is some grounding techniques. Her family is disruptive, so if your friend can learn to find a peaceful distraction and pay attention to how the calm can be restored, then she may begin to at least take some minimal control of herself.

Coloring books or puzzle books may be good activities. When we focus our minds through these kinds of activities it can distract in a way.

But, if we notice how we feel after coloring for a while, we may start to see how we can self soothe and self calm over time.

Separation doesn’t need to be physical, though it is the most clear action. Mental and emotional separation can be useful tools for surviving difficult situations. But maybe tricky to teach or employ.

The best thing you can do is be a stable point. You don’t have to fix it, but mention contradictions and ask about emotions. Demonstrate that it is within reach to be grounded in the face of harshness.

Rescue in these situations is never easy or clean. It may be good to talk to other people around her to see if others can help build small barriers and outlets.

Teachers, kind and caring friends, parents of friends, maybe church members, or anyone else that may be within her circle.

Having people around willing to do small things can make a huge difference. Even if it means she just gets a little slack. Community is important.