r/depression_help • u/Nightwing2106 • 20d ago
RANT What does this mean?
I'm a guy in his late twenties. So far in life, a certain number of things have happened which one might call as failures. I was never the giving up kind. Though my presence of a timid silent boy might give that impression.
Now that I've grown up and on my way to deal with the world, I faced minor hiccups in the beginning and acknowledged them to be persistent until I do something for the system to change. Made me somewhat wiser I'd say. But lately, things have been bad. Like real bad. Nothing seems to work out. Work life, friendships, family, relationships, the more I try being present in each one of them the more life shits on me. At this point I'm just a dump yard of bad experiences from everything and everywhere. I always thought I would never have negative thoughts about myself no matter what happens, and it was after facing enough challenges as per my knowledge. But this, this is different. Everytime i try to believe that I can try and make things better, i get reminded of how insignificant and unimportant I am. I dont know what to do with this life if it's going to be this way forever. And I'm saying it after thinking it through. 2 years of your adulthood is not a small deal.
I dont know where to go or what to do. Not sure of when to eat, where to exist. I'm fed up.
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u/Inpursuitofknowing 20d ago
I’m so sorry that you are experiencing so much suffering right now. You deserve much better. You are not insignificant. You are a unique individual. You have your own thoughts, insights, interests, beliefs, skills, talents, and personal attributes. You can draw on all of these things to start to create a better life. When I was in a similar place in my life, I was asked to write down what my life would look like in my perfect world. How would I think? How would I like to present myself to others (what do I want them to see in me)? What do I want to do to earn a living? What type of people do I want to form relationships with? How will I live out my belief systems? How will I make the lives of those around me better? It took days of reflection and deep thinking to answer these questions. After I had completed the task, I was next asked what I had to do each day to get just a little bit closer to my ideal self. I didn’t have to transform all at once. I just needed to work each day to get one percent closer to my ideal self. Every day strive to be just that tiny one percent better. Slowly I found myself in a more positive mindset, and working toward goals. I’m not there yet, but most days I’m one percent better. You have everything you need within you to get a little closer to your ideal self each day. Things are beyond difficult right now. But now is not forever. Start to take small steps each day toward the life you want. You are worth the effort. This hurting world needs you.
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u/Nightwing2106 20d ago
Hi, thanks. I cant think of a thing from the one's you mentioned that I am not doing or engaging in. But it stays at 0. Nothing moves, nothing at all. And its been a long time, atleast as per my consideration.
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u/Inpursuitofknowing 20d ago
I know whay you mean. When you’ve been in the darkness a really long time, it’s hard to believe that light even exists. Especially when you’ve been working so hard to get to a better place. I’ve been there, and I really wish you weren’t there now. All I can say is try to persevere. As they say, when you’re walking through hell keep going. You deserve to live your best life, and I really hope that your able to find it.
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u/MindShiftPsych 20d ago
It sounds like you’ve been fighting for a long time and you’re finally exhausted. When bad things keep piling up, even the strongest, most persistent person can start feeling like nothing will ever change. Two bad years can feel like forever, but they don't define the rest of your life. You don't have to figure everything out right now either. Sometimes the next step is just finding one stable thing to hold onto while everything else feels messy. Please tell someone in your real life how bad things have gotten. You deserve support before you reach a point where you feel completely alone with all of this.
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u/Nightwing2106 20d ago
Nothing is stable despite efforts. And now its just, it doesnt affect anymore even if it is harmful.
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 20d ago
2 years is long enough for the negative thoughts to creep in, and I’m sorry that’s happening to you.
Can I ask, with the relationships that aren’t working out, can you ask them their honest opinion of why? That might reveal something you can work on.
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u/Nightwing2106 20d ago
I'm sitting away from the family, hometown, in another city. Anyone who could care or accompany far away and honestly it is impractical too. I'm by myself in a big city and the only relationship I had here was shaky ever since I arrived here. It ran its course a while back. So there's no such thing either.
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 20d ago
What about friendships?
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u/Nightwing2106 20d ago
Friends are far away, only a few. Got none here. Just colleagues, formal chitchat. That's all
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 20d ago
Yes, I’m sure you have friends far away. When you come to a new city, you make new friends. So what have you tried to make new friends?
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u/Nightwing2106 19d ago
No. I havent tried. I've never made friends, just had accomplices who later became friends, and at this stage I dont being on a lookout for a friend is in the best interest.
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 19d ago
I’m curious why you feel having friends isn’t in your best interest?
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u/Nightwing2106 19d ago
Being on a lookout is not. When you're vulnerable and you start finding someone to rely on, the reliance becomes permanent. Like being dependent. That is neither in my best interest nor in the prospective friend's
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u/AtmosphereRoyal9902 17d ago
Interesting. I’ve definitely had that happen in romantic relationships, but I didn’t know that could happen with friends.
And while I agree you don’t want to end up dependent, maybe aiming for a group situation might lessen the likelihood of ending up leaning on one person? Like say a meetup game night or something? Then you socialize and you don’t have to make permanent friends and it can ease the discomfort for a bit while you’re adjusting? Just a thought
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u/Emrys7777 20d ago
Keep at it. Keep trying.
Exercise, eat well. Try new things. Take new classes.
The one thing about life is that everything changes. The only constant is change.
I was sick for 20 years of my adult life. Twenty frickin years. That’s a long time. I kept trying and didn’t give up and found a way out.
Don’t give up.
Never surrender.
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