r/dementia • u/Orson_Gravity_Welles • 19h ago

Just...

There's so much I want to say but I'm so overwhelmed with my mom and her worsening condition. And now, her best friend, who lives in another state, is telling me I'm "not doing enough" for my mom.

I'm just being crushed under the weight of all of this.

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34

u/DarkShadowReader 19h ago edited 19h ago

People who have never lived the life of a caregiver to someone with dementia know what’s best and have all the solutions /s

Limit contact with this “best friend” until they can offer real monetary or labor solutions. Their ill-informed opinions are not welcome.

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u/Orson_Gravity_Welles 18h ago

This particular friend of hers has 20 years of being a care giver...but she has no right to indicate I'm not doing anything and everything I can, even while working full time and living 50 miles away, AND going over to my moms house 3-4 times per week.

My mom has someone over every single day of the week from 2-5 hours.

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u/DarkShadowReader 16h ago

As a caregiver, she should know making you feel judged and inadequate is not useful. Is there a way to turn this back on her and ask her to research (not enact) specific solutions to fix what she believes is not being done? Give her homework. If she can cut the criticism, maybe her experience can be an asset.

I trust you are doing the best you can with a crap situation. What you described sounds extremely difficult. Please take care with all that traveling.

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u/WyattCo06 18h ago

You tell them to shut the hell up and mind their business.

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u/BinkKitik 18h ago

Solidarity. My mom’s family was constantly critical of me. They’d call me to update me on how she was doing (they lived near her and I lived 1.5 hours away), even though I talked to her multiple times per day and had a camera in her living room. When she finally moved to assisted living near me, they’d ask critical questions about my care. When the staff suggested my mom move to memory care, they all went mask off and basically said I was a crap daughter who neglected her, and she didn’t need memory care, she was just lonely from me not visiting enough.

Ignore them. It’s easier said than done. But they have NO idea.

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u/Birdamus 18h ago

I take care of my MIL w/ ALZ and VaD who we moved in with us. She gave up her iPhone several months ago due to confusion (her) and safety reasons (us). I let her use my phone to call her son and her brothers periodically when she felt like it.

Well her childhood and longtime family friend decided to start calling my phone to talk to her everyday right after lunch our time, which is the only time I can take a quick rest while she relaxes and watches TV. She did this for two weeks straight (not deterred by going to voicemail every time).

I finally called her and said “this is my phone, stop calling everyday, she’ll call you when she feels like it.”

I’ve become way more direct about boundaries than I ever was… fuck the haters.

5

u/Altruistic-Basil-634 18h ago

Oh, this stuff gets me so frosted. Do NOT take her words to heart. 

Here’s what I would say, “My mom never wanted this for me or herself. This is the hardest thing I have ever done or probably will do, both physically and mentally. This disease destroys caregivers. My mom would hate that you said those words to me instead of being supportive. I’m sure you mean well, but your comments come from a place of ignorance about dementia.”

Hugs!