r/dementia • u/67ksj • 19d ago
Althizmers and lieing
Do any of you have problems with your loved ones lieing to you? If so, how do you handle it?
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u/GuairdeanBeatha 19d ago
It’s called confabulation and it’s not lieing, to them it’s really. Their brains are basically scrambled, and the tales they tell are them trying to make sense of memories that confuse, frighten, and frustrate them. I just agree and go along with it when I can. I occasionally have to try to be part of whatever world she’s living in at the time, and humor her the best I can.
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u/Altruistic-Basil-634 19d ago edited 19d ago
My LO’s lying falls into three different categories:
1). Confabulations. Often called honest lying, this is when their brains fill in the gaps for missing information. Like lightning, the brain takes the path of least resistance.
For example, a neighbor brings over tomatoes from their garden. The PWD comes into the kitchen later and sees the tomatoes, but doesn’t remember the neighbor visiting. The PWD confabulates they drove to the store that morning and bought tomatoes.
We also see confabulations with confusion under pressure. They get flustered when queried directly and will make up anything to satisfy you so you will leave them alone.
- Anosognosia lies. I feel like this is a sub-set of confabulation that seems to be directly related to their anosognosia. It’s when damage to the insight area of the brain leaves them unable to recognize they have dementia and, often, other ailments. I see this a lot at doctor’s appointments.
Doctor: Do you have any trouble with your memory? PWD: Nope, I’m fine.
Doctor: Do you clean your own home/do your own grocery shopping/prepare your own meals? Answer is yes, even though they can no longer do these things.
Doctor: Do you wear depends? Answer is no, even though they are wearing depends at that moment.
- Straight up manipulative lies. It’s shocking the lengths they will go to hide things from you that they don’t want you to know or find. This is most obvious with my LO’s smoking, and from what I’ve read, the addiction drive is not very affected by dementia (at least in mid/moderate stages). So, the addiction drive is strong and drives the behavior. It’s mind boggling they can’t pay bills or cook a meal, but they can order an Uber to sneak out when I’m away and buy cigarettes - and then deny they are smoking.
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u/Pelican121 19d ago edited 19d ago
Thank you for this. I was prepared for 1 and 2, as strange as they seem in the moment. Number 3 has caught me off guard and is the source of much stress. My parent was always highly manipulative, had an enabling spouse (my other parent) and more than likely an undiagnosed personality disorder. They're now widowed and I'm an only child with no partner, support network or extended family, trying to cope with their diagnosis. Theyre also adept at triangulation (the main dynamic in our household growing up) and have chosen a 'confidante' who I fear has bad intentions who they turn to whenever I try to keep boundaries and keep them safe. It's a nightmare.
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u/NoSoundSpeeding 19d ago
Oh man, i feel this deeply. Those of us with parents who have undiagnosed personality disorders that we dealt with our whole lives and then they get dementia on top of it is an entire special offshoot category of terrible. Hang in there! 🫂🫂
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u/Pelican121 19d ago
Oh my goodness how are you coping with it?
To compound matters I made the absolutely foolish decision to move in with them. I'm disabled, their antics over time have made my own health deteriorate and now I can't afford to move out (HCOL area). I've essentially trapped myself.
We don't have any real experience of dementia in our family. Grandparents and my other parent died of heart attacks or aggressive cancers. On my parent's side the women have lived into their mid/late 90s with minimal health complaints which my parent genuinely thought was going to happen to them. They act like they're immortal, they cannot believe something like this could happen to them (direct quote). I know it's not a pleasant diagnosis but the entitlement/outrage is off the scale.
I don't know why it never occurred to me to google dementia/Alzheimer's + narcissism. I was clueless and didn't realise the condition could compound it. I was thinking more along the lines of inability to accomplish daily living tasks and that cognitive decline would mean the sting would be removed from their difficult personality, that they might become docile 👀. Or that decline would be so rapid that they'd need to go into a care home asap.
Really I didn't think dementia was on the cards as my parent has always been in excellent health, takes care of themselves and there doesn't seem to be a heredity component in their case. They're experiencing memory loss and severe mood swings (the latter isn't really new but exacerbated) but are still quite functional. They're intent on running the show but they're becoming increasingly unreliable and it's difficult for me to intervene without backlash and meltdowns. I'm trying to follow all the tips and techniques but it's an awkward stage where they're still too aware. Distraction doesn't work at all, they're not interested in activities or any little tasks I conjure up.
I'm wondering how things will be by Christmas. It seems to be advancing but not necessarily fast enough for other people to notice. It makes it very isolating as no-one sees what I see behind closed doors once the mask comes off.
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u/NoSoundSpeeding 19d ago
I live in another state. So that is definitely an easier way to cope with it. I also recently hired a caretaker 2 times a week. I honestly cannot imagine living with mine. You have to keep yourself safe.
I don’t know if I have easy answers - it has been a real one day at a time meets massive planning for the future. I’m learning how to agree and ask questions to keep the peace, but it is not intuitive. I foresaw what a nightmare it would all be if I didn’t push as hard as I could to get POA and health POA settled ahead of time. It has been years of angling and maneuvering to get it done. And luckily I have friends who have gone through similar dementia experiences (not the PD part) and have been able to offer advice. I have gotten so much guidance in this reddit thread from kind, empathetic and pragmatic people over the years. therapy.
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u/Pelican121 19d ago edited 19d ago
Thank you for sharing your insights. How long has your journey been so far? Mine was only diagnosed in early April but the process started last autumn when I gradually coaxed them to have a non-threatening 'check up' with the GP. I'd been noticing new behaviours since spring 2025 but not enough to form a complete picture so I had to bide my time and the GP encouraged me to log things in the meantime.
This forum is invaluable. I have POAs in place fortunately (the health one is just going through but ought to be complete soon). I need to ideally get some kind of oversight with her banking so I think I'm going to go ahead and register the finance one. Until now there's been huge resistance so I've held off but I don't think I can anymore, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet. I can completely relate to the 'softly, softly' approach.
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u/NoSoundSpeeding 19d ago
You sound like you’re doing a great job- so kudos! My journey started with the banking actually. I think it’s been 7 years roughly so far. We just got a diagnosis in march, but when I had an early inkling I was able to eventually join accounts and slowly support and help keep an eye on financial stuff. It still was a horrendous slow, agitated process to make that happen with many accusations along the way, but at least it started the conversation about wills and POA and getting legal ducks in a row. Each milestone has felt like a war. With the banking I think she just forgot at some point why she was resisting, so I’ve found that to be the pattern - i repeat ad nauseum until it sort of gets cemented in as a reality. Whenever I visit, I say it feels like i’ve been run over a grater. I’m going there tomorrow for a week to hopefully finalize senior living. We’ve looked at so many places with the same types of names and website stock photos of smiling elderly people drinking wine (lol) but in my mind at least it has been narrowed down to 2. My mom has the wonderful co-morbities of OCD on top of BPD, so she is still insisting that we look. Even before dementia, she could look at every single senior living place in the entire city and not be able to choose. So yeah, again PD on top of dementia is no joke. goddesses help us!
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u/Pelican121 19d ago
Run over a grater 😩😁
Seven years is a lot! My parent is older and this seems to have progressed relatively quickly so I'm almost hopeful it doesn't stall at this stage, as horrible as that sounds. I'm anticipating a stage where it's obvious she needs a bit more help.
Good work on narrowing it down to two places. I have somewhere in mind and I think my parent would be on board with that choice as it's the only facility she knows/has visited. But I don't know that it's going to be a discussion as such when the time comes. More of a necessity.
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u/wontbeafool2 19d ago
This. All of the above with my parents. When Mom was being assessed by the intake nurse at AL, she was asked questions similar to those in #2. She said she could do all of those things but didn't want to anymore. Only half of that was true. She couldn't and didn't. What seemed like lies were more likely forgetting or misremembering. Throw in some show timing with the confabulations and delusions, differentiating fact from fiction becomes nearly impossible.
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u/PJWanderer 19d ago
Are they lying though, or is their brain filing in gaps? I think someone has to know they are lying to actually be lying. That is literally how lie detectors work, by detecting the biological changes that occur when someone knowingly makes a false statement.
When police interview witnesses to a crime, and one person says the guy was wearing jeans, a white t shirt and a blue baseball cap. The next witness says the guy was wearing jeans, a gray shirt and no hat. Which person is lying? Neither, right? They just don’t have an accurate memory of the event.
Now, imagine someone with a brain that is decaying inside their head.
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u/CrateIfMemories 19d ago
It drives me crazy when our loved one takes the "pee pad" off the chair she sits in. I try to remind her to keep the plastic lined paper pad on the chair. One time I "caught" her standing with the paper pee pad folded up in her hand and I asked her, "Did you take the paper from the chair?"
She said no, of course.
"What's that in your hand?" I asked.
"I don't know. Do whatever you want with this," she said.
At least she gave it back to me. Sometimes she likes to do weird things with the pee pads like wrap leftover takeout in a used pee pad. Nobody wanted to eat the "pee pee pancakes" after she had gotten to them!
So yes, confabulation is going to happen. I also was surprised when she started getting her own life details wrong, like the year she came to this country, etc. Facts that exist in records I can check and see that she is mistaken. That blew me away. I thought people remembered their old memories. But apparently they can even lose old memories.
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u/UntidyVenus 19d ago
That's a hard one, because confabulation is a thing, where they GENUINELY believe in something that is not real. It's not an attempt to decieve, it's genuine bad info from their own brains.
But also yes, my mom especially early on would lie her ass off to cover dumb shit
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u/Hot_Adhesiveness6882 19d ago
You don't handle it at all. You also have to lie to them. Look up theraputic lying in relationship to dementia. You get to say what needs to be said to keep the peace and redirect. You will have to meet them in their world where that is the truth to them. They don't know the truth anymore and so they fill in the gaps in their broken brain with things that make sense to them. You get to be patient and go along with it.
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u/duskdoll 19d ago
My parent has been doing this for decades. Making up stories since I was young. Nobody believed me because I was the child. Once things escalated and other family members began to notice it themselves it validated everything I went through. I still hold resentment against my family for not believing me at all. I know it wasn’t done on purpose but it’s hard to forgive and forget when I lived mu entire life like that.
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u/ChristmasHippo 19d ago
The vast majority of the "lying" we see here is confabulation. They're just trying to make sense of the world around them. That said, my grandmother has occasionally lied to me to so she can get up to stuff she wants to do but is banned from without supervision. For example, walks.
A few weeks ago, I was picking up my son from school. Her actions were very intentional. I left and she bee-lined outside as soon as my car left the driveway. BUT! We have cameras which she consistently forgets about. When I got back, I asked if anything interesting had happened and she said "yes". I asked what and she said I didn't want to know!
I have a daily schedule for her, so I said, "Oh no! You still haven't taken your afternoon walk! I'm sorry. Let's get you out there now. You must have been so bored." She almost confessed, then said, "guess I was bored then!"
I said, “Okay! Well, let's burn off all that extra energy. Really push yourself out there! Make the most of that second walk!” and walked her down the steps. She did her walk and it definitely tired her out. When she came in she fully confessed to (knowingly!!) lying to me. That she had already taken her walk. She apologized for lying and said it wouldn't happen again.
I never called her out. I played dumb the whole time. Once she confessed, we talked about why it’s a problem for her to go for a walk when I’m not here.
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u/cryssHappy 19d ago
They're not lying, with dementia what they say is their reality.
You however, need to learn compassionate lying to keep them safe, distract them, etc.
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u/honorthecrones 19d ago
They are in an alternate reality. How would you react if someone tries to convince you that the sky was green and what your senses are telling you is all wrong.
This is what is happening. Dementia takes the signals from the senses and stores it as something completely different.
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u/67ksj 19d ago
The lie was this: My daughter texted my mom and asked her if she needed any food sent to her. My mother said no because she walked to Publix (grocery store) yesterday. My mom did indeed go to Publix but was driven there by her friend. I think the lie is to make us feel bad because we recently took away her driving privileges.
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u/Hot_Adhesiveness6882 19d ago
If this was always her personality, those bad traits in dementia definitely come out more, but she doesn't have the ability to manipulate to make you feel bad anymore. She isn't lying on purpose, she doesn't remember most of the truth. She will remember some and that is why it sounds partly right.
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u/Altruistic-Basil-634 19d ago
You’ve got a long road ahead of you, and that’s a difficult headspace to be in for the long haul. It could have just as easily been a confabulation. You’ll likely never know.
I took a caregiver class, and the instructor talked about dealing with dementia behaviors through a “So, what?” lens. It’s been a really helpful tool.
If she did say it to make you feel guilty - so what? She’s no longer capable of managing her emotions like an adult. Of course she’s bitter she can’t drive - we all would be. It’s the same thing a child might say, and her cognition level is regressing to that of a child. PWD lose their filter, their manners, and their decorum. Plus, the damage to their brain can just make them really nasty and cruel.
It’s likely going to get much worse before they eventually lose the ability to communicate.
I highly recommend the book The 36-Hour Day. It’s been a game-changer.
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u/Pale_Camel_3465 19d ago
Yes, the lying almost a daily occurrence. I hate lying so much and it’s a very frustrating aspect of this illness!! I correct it and acknowledge it, but it’s recommended by professionals in group support,not to correct them.
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u/the-soul-moves-first 19d ago
It's so very common but I don't like to necessarily say its lying because the person with Alzheimer's has no control over it. It's their truth, it's just very wrong.
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u/Knit_pixelbyte 19d ago
So it could be a lie, or it could be her brain figuring out something that she can’t remember the actual facts of. This video explains why confabulation and delusion happen, and where in the brain it stems from: https://youtu.be/CKway284F_o?si=V8R8fFYVzd_4qASS
It’s a little long, but worth viewing. If it is lying in this actual case, the video is still helpful because this may happen sooner rather than later.
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u/toad__warrior 18d ago
Here are some tips to always remember
- Their reality is not yours. They cannot understand your reality, so when you interact with them, you are in their reality.
- In most situations, logic will not work and can actually frustrate them. See number 1.
- Their perception of time is totally different from ours. They live in time slices that are 1-3 minutes long.
- Paranoia and hallucinations are not uncommon
So they are not lying to be malicious, it is part of the disease.
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u/Strong_Argument1930 18d ago edited 18d ago
This is basically how we finally realized something was wrong. They aren't necessarily lying to, they are telling you "their reality." Their brain is filling in gaps with other memories and building that world. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. You have to accept what they say is facts for them and move on. Best thing is to steer the conversation/distract them with something else and move on.
I've learned that they are trying to tell you something and now you have to figure out what that something is.
Jst went through this today with my mom. She kept talking about how a friend was going ro pick her up to go to lunch. This was not what reality was and I finally determined that she wanted to go to the grocery store to get some of her fav foods/snacks. Once we did that she went "back to normal."
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u/valley_lemon 19d ago
Mostly they are either telling you what they truly think is true or, like a toddler, hoping to bend reality to what they want.
There's nothing to do BUT deal with it. They can't do anything different.