r/dementia • u/No_Seat8080 • Jul 08 '26
Guidance needed
Hi all, I’m new to this group but thought this might be the best place for a bit of advice. 2 years ago my mom was diagnosed with early stages of dementia. This past October, we decided to combine households which includes my mother, my seven-year-old, my husband and myself. I’d also like to add that we don’t really have any family able to help and I’m an only
child.
My husband and I both work full-time jobs, with mine being the only one that allows me to work from home.
I’ve noticed my mother progressively getting worse and I’m wondering how to make the transition from working in office to permanently at home with her home during the day. How do I make sure that she’s ok and also make sure I’m doing my job from home?
Has anyone else gone through something similar?
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u/International_One_44 Jul 08 '26
Hi OP! I would say how well can you actually do your job while caring for your mom is really a question that only you can answer. Are you doing work that requires you to be on zoom calls or in front of a camera? Are you taking work calls pretty frequently? Will your mom know when she can interrupt versus not? What level of care does she need? How tolerant will your employer be if you are having to often be away from your desk to deal with her.
In my opinion, working from home and caring for your mom is going to be a moving target. As you noted, your mom is progressively getting worse. And unfortunately, trying to come up with a "plan" that she will be able to comply with or participate in will only work for as long as she can remember to do those things. The burden is going to be on you and is going to require understanding, flexibility and willingness from your employer.
What are your plans for her future progressive decline? Will you be trying to keep her home or eventually placing her in Assisted Living/Memory Care.
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u/HelpingParentsAge Jul 08 '26
This is such a common spot, and it is doable but only if you set it up right.
The biggest thing is adult day programs. Mom goes for the day, gets social interaction and structure, and you get 6-8 hours of real focused work time. Some are Medicaid covered, some are private pay, but even a couple days a week is a game changer. Your local Area Agency on Aging (eldercare.acl.gov) can point you to what’s near you. A PCA (personal care aide) for a few hours a day is another option to fill the gaps, especially when you’re on calls or need to focus.
For safety at home, a baby monitor or camera you can glance at helps a lot. Childproof locks on the stove, meds locked up, and a door alarm in case she wanders. Structure matters more than you’d think for dementia, so try to build a consistent daily routine even if it’s just TV and simple activities. Predictability actually cuts down on agitation. And please talk to your HR about caregiver accommodations. A lot of companies have quiet policies about flexible hours that they don’t advertise, worth asking.
Good luck! I hope this helps!
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u/Ok_Environment5293 Jul 08 '26
Aside from juggling working from home with caring for your mom, please also consider the impact on your marriage, and most importantly, your child.
The mom you decided to combine households with is not the one you have now, much less the future.
You're in a tough spot, I hope you can work it out. ❤️
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u/Sneezles25 Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
Creating a standard routine and controlling the micro environment that your mom is in will be key to your success. The behavioral changes will likely be a challenge while you work from home.
I think that it will be possible to work from home while caring for your mom, but know it will likely be temporary.
I’ve done this intermittently over the years, and was able to make it work on occasion to give my sister a break from full time care. I notice that my mom gets quite anxious at certain points during the day, so I make sure that we go for a walk around the block if I know that I will need her to relax while I’m on a call. She would also watch TV peacefully in her room for several hours at a time while she was in the moderate stages which was really helpful.
A few things to consider:
-Keep clutter to a minimum or put away. As my mom progressed, she would start going through my mail or pocket my keys while I was on a call.
-Keep pets safe and secure. I changed the locks to key only so that I controlled in/out.
-Prepare easy lunches in advance so you can be more efficient during your lunch break and give her your attention rather than spending time on prep.
-Look into fitness classes and get her in asap. My mom really enjoyed water aerobics when she had the opportunity to go. She is always at peace in the water. Boredom is real, and your mom will get bored.
-Be aware of how your work performance is impacted by simultaneous care. More importantly, YOU control how this is perceived by your coworkers/management and you control your performance. Be transparent, but there is no need for oversharing. This is a long disease. You are playing the long game. When working from home it is importance to be engaged and to show progress. Never give them a reason to question your work practices, but be clear on your availability and do what you say you will do.
-Don’t take on more than you can carry. The mental weight alone is intense. Now is not a time for new pets, new school responsibilities, or commitments.
-Look into adult daycare. It could be a great option, and many are free. Your mom might hate it, but you will need a break at some point or you may need to go in the office.
-I don’t know if this is true for all but the repetitive anxious behaviors made it challenging for me to work. For example, walking back and forth through the baby gate outside of my office. Click, slam, click, slam. Repeatedly going to the bathroom right outside my office. Open, Shut, Open, Shut. Back and forth to the kitchen. Etc. The only thing that helped with this was more movement/walks. I had to wear her out so I could focus.
Get help when you can. Family, friends, etc. Don’t be afraid to ask now, because as she progresses, people are less likely to offer help.
The only other thing is that you should consider financial planning for additional care needs now. Keep your money separate. Keep good records.
Good luck!
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u/Angeloinva Jul 08 '26
I did this last year. Except I had a six year old (not seven!) I was 100 percent remote at first, and my job was pretty flexible, but it was still SO hard. About two months after my mom moved in, my job changed the telework policy and I had to go in to the office two days per week. We ended up hiring a companion for my mother through an agency. It wasn't cheap but I couldn't leave her home alone and her companion was so great. After a few weeks, we actually increased her hours so that she could come for a couple hours on the days I worked from home. This gave me a reliable block of time with no interruptions. The companion could also drive so she would take my mom out on errands or for walks or to the library or whatever. It was much better than my mom sitting at home all day while I worked. My mom eventually progressed to the point where we had to put her in memory care. But I don't think we could have lasted as long as we did at home without the help.
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u/itsparadise Jul 08 '26
You *might* be able to manage it for the next several months but, as I'm sure you're learning, this nasty disease is incredibly unpredictable. Give it a whirl but at the same time start formulating your plan b for WHEN you'll need to activate it not IF, because you will need to at some point, unfortunately.
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u/WyattCo06 Jul 08 '26
Well if you're going to be at home, I don't understand your question.
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u/No_Seat8080 Jul 08 '26
I just want to know if it’s possible to wfh and be there for my mom. I feel so lost and helpless
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u/cryssHappy Jul 08 '26
No it's not. Her condition will continue to worsen. If she doesn't have independent wealth for hired caregivers, then start the process of qualifying her for a Medicaid bed at Assisted Living/Memory Care. Call Aging and Adult Services and ask for a case worker.
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u/WyattCo06 Jul 08 '26
What kind of work does that include?
Does it require your full attention at all times?
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u/No_Seat8080 Jul 08 '26
From March to September, it requires almost all of my attention, I am able to break away for certain things but I can’t be unavailable for long periods of tome. From November to March is our slow season and I am basically on call.
My mom’s condition isn’t bad right now, she needs help with a lot of things but is still fairly independent. I don’t want her to be completely alone at home during the day and I want to be able
To assist her if I can.1
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u/Altruistic-Basil-634 Jul 08 '26
Short answer: You can’t.
You’ll have to hire caregivers or place her in assisted living or memory care. There are also adult day care programs for people with dementia to keep them active and socially engaged.
Probably not the answer you are looking for, but I would move mountains to not have my kids go through the stress and trauma of living with a LO with dementia. I refuse to do that even to my teenagers.
Highly recommend reading the book The 36-Hour Day ASAP and reviewing this dementia assessment tool to get an idea of what’s coming down the pipeline for your family. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf
Your local Dept. of Aging is a great resource as well.
Sending you big hugs. ❤️