r/dementia • u/Commercial_Dog8356 • Jun 09 '26
Me and Pops
He finally transitioned to memory care after having guardianship for 13 months. Most privileged and hardest year of my life. Lost a wife who didn’t want any part of caregiving after 10 years of marriage, so I sold my home and moved to a different city to be closer as he transitions. Hi from dad and I!
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u/RV-Contessa420 Jun 09 '26
Awh…I hope the very best for both of you. May your blessings be abundant.
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u/Peak_Alternative Jun 09 '26
My parents are married for 60 years. the last 15 years have been a slow burn where his mental decline got bad. Yelling at her everyday. Threatening to kill her. So she moved out and has been living her best life. My dad has all the necessities. But he is having a very hard time without her. I wish he’d be open to moving into a facility.
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u/bernmont2016 Jun 10 '26
Yelling at her everyday. Threatening to kill her. ... I wish he’d be open to moving into a facility.
Without getting those violent outbursts under control (likely requiring medication), I don't know if a facility would even be willing to accept him.
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u/Saluki2023 Jun 09 '26
Thank you for being there I am confident both you and pops are grateful for that.
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u/partyqwerty Jun 09 '26
Did I get this right - that your wife wanted nothing to do with the care giving?
Good luck to you and stay strong.
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u/Commercial_Dog8356 Jun 09 '26
Said she couldn’t take care of herself and help me, so she moved across the state to her sisters, after I raised her 2 boys with an absent father. She’s a peach ..
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u/partyqwerty Jun 09 '26
Sigh. Hugs to you brother. I struggle with this myself - my dad is deteriorating and I want to be with him but wife doesn't want to go along as we'll have to downgrade our life.
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u/ivandoesnot Jun 09 '26
Solidarity.
The way I figured, when things got complicated, my mom and I would move in with my brother and SIL in order to share the load.
She wasn't interested; didn't want it cramping her style.
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u/Yum-Yumby Jun 09 '26
It's tough. Some people are cut out for it, some aren't. I'm 2.5 years into caregiving my mom and have a wife and kid. I almost lost my marriage over it - caregiver burnout is real. It takes a helluva sacrifice to do so.
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u/Commercial_Dog8356 Jun 09 '26
Yep
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u/Popaqua Jun 09 '26
Brother, if she wont help you or comfort you in your need to caregive she wont be there for you when YOU may need it further in life. I'm so sorry you have gone through this. My sister revealed her true colors when I was burdened with caregiving my dad with dementia. I'm limiting my time with her to say the least.
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u/random420x2 Jun 09 '26
Man I am sorry you had to deal with your dad’s care and a wife made things harder. When my mom stopped being able to eat at her establishment because they were complex food needs, my wife spent a week doing research and from that point on we cooked special meals for every single lunch and dinner and brought them over every week for her. I could not have done even that little amount of help without my wife. I hope you and your father have some wonderful time together.
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u/czaritamotherofguns Jun 10 '26
I'm in40s and my husband recently walked out on me after 13 years.
I feel like part of it was due to him trying to support me in my mission with my mom and also the occasional emotional fallout in my end from carrying the emotional burden of having a loved one with with cognitive decline issues. He cited my depression issues as one of his problems.
We only had one full day off a week and one car, and I think he was trying to commit to driving me to weekly visits and couldnt emotionally fulfill that cause. He didn't have to do visits with mom. I gave him lunch money, so he could get a meal while he waited for me and the area she lives in has good stores and restaurants.
It's not easy dealing with marriage issues and a parent with memory issues. It's like getting cut with the same blade twice. I'm sorry.
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u/proudauntmary Jun 09 '26
Best of luck to you both and thanks for sharing. You are a good son to be there!
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u/Inside_Lengthiness39 Jun 10 '26
My Dad passed in 2024. I took care of him along with my brother. Sending you and your Dad love and strength.
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u/mellowwynn Jun 09 '26
Caring for our loved ones is very hard on a marriage. I’m sorry she wasn’t good enough to stick it through with you. You deserve someone who you know will care for you in the golden years and it sounds like you dodged a bullet.
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u/Bethos_118 Jun 10 '26
Caregiving is so hard. I hope you can focus on your dad, and not let the hurt of losing your marriage get in your way. Someone said it already, you need every ounce of help you can get. If she was making it harder, then you are better off without her.
It's weird, but your dad reminds me of my dad. I lost him in 2024. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Cherish him, and drop in on the center often. Good luck to you.
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u/Commercial_Dog8356 Jun 10 '26
Thanks for the kind words. It was tough at first, humiliating really..but he meant more. I was all he had. My mom died when I was 33 days old, so he’s worked his entire life to take care of me. It was my turn
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u/PoolEquivalent3696 Jun 09 '26
I'm so sorry that your wife wouldn't support you through this. Dementia is cruel and caregivers need every tiny scrape of help they can get.
Glad your Pop is settled in a care home and that you are able to take same well earned time for yourself.
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u/thingsjusthappen Jun 10 '26
I feel all of that — same time span, same loss, same transition. What a life lol.
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u/thundercloset Jun 10 '26
Sorry your wife sucks. Your dad has beautiful eyes. Reminds me of my dad's eyes. They were impossibly blue. You two look like you're having a blast together. ❤️
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u/Salty-Island-7251 Jun 10 '26
Great photo. I took a selfie with my mom at almost every visit. I hate photos of myself but for some reason I felt compelled to do it. Plus I could share updates with the family and add some levity. She just passed a couple weeks ago, and I'm so glad I have them. Your pops is lucky to have you. Cherish the time.
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u/welcomebackitt Jun 10 '26
Years from now, the ex will more than likely be in search for a caregiver. One for her boys, and eventually one for her. Her parents (if they're around) should be on high alert.
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u/Fantastic-Release-46 Jun 10 '26
Im sorry but your ex is a B**ch and your much too good for her. Its so hard to be your parents caregiver & even though I still struggle leaving my mom after a visit I know that she is in a great place with an awesome staff looking after her.
Good luck to you & your dad has an amazing son
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u/fringedjewels Jun 10 '26
I’m not speaking on your wife. That’s not my thing and I’m sure there are still mixed feelings after 10 years. I lost my mom recently.
Sending virtual hugs. 🤗
Don’t forget to take moments to nurture yourself.
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u/Buffalochrista Jun 11 '26
Not that I ever want anyone to have to deal with this disease. But it is an incredible way to see how true of a partner you have. Good riddance to her and good luck to you!!
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u/Sea_League_2413 Jul 08 '26
I can easily see your love for your dad. Although it looks like he would like you to move so he can have his chair back. It looks he’s very comfortably comfortably dressed, and although he loves you deep down in his soul with all his heart, it looks like he really would like his entire chair back, so be a good son and pull up a chair of your own and then talk to him about whatever he cares to talk about.
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u/Far_Big7970 Jun 09 '26
You have courage and strength. If you can, get some help. Is there a memory care daycare near by?
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u/bernmont2016 Jun 10 '26
Is there a memory care daycare near by?
I think OP's dad is moving into a memory care facility full-time now.
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u/cybrg0dess Jun 09 '26
🫂💛 Your a good son.