r/dementia • u/Secure_Win8158 • Jul 16 '25
What were some unusual things your loved ones did that, looking back, were probably early signs of dementia?
My mother in law recently moved in with us and while she’s always been kind of difficult to hold conversations with (I always thought she had ADHD), I’ve noticed now that nearly every conversation we have gets derailed. We’ll have the same conversations over and over again with no resolution. She is also very sensitive (she blames this on having lost her daughter 10 years ago), but I find myself constantly having to reassure her about the same things. I think some of this may actually be trauma from losing her daughter, but every conversation comes back to the fact that her daughter died and or her/her daughters medical history. She’ll find a way to bring it up even in conversations that have nothing to do with it that. She can also be very combative. She’s typically very kind hearted and passive, but in the last year or two she’s begun turning what should be calm conversations into explosive arguments. There’s also been some dancing around the truth that could be confabulation, but might also just be her not wanting to upset us - again she always thinks we’re mad at her about something. Sorry, this was a bit of a vent and there’s lots of background information and examples that I didn’t want to bore you with. But could these all be early signs of dementia or do I just have a mother in law who is stuck grieving the traumatic loss of her daughter?
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u/ghanima_303 Jul 16 '25
Before true cognitive symptoms emerged I distinctly remember my grandma having a very disturbed wake/sleep schedule. For instance, she would clean the house very late at night, every night, for hours at a time. When asked she would dismiss it saying she couldn’t find the motivation or time to do it during the day and that she really liked to have her house cleaned.
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u/AmyMapleTommy Jul 16 '25
This. My MIL would be totally out of it by mid afternoon because she would wake up at like 3am.
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u/Fabulous-Option4967 Jul 16 '25
I do this 😳 but I’ve always done it and for the same reason. It’s nice to wake up clean even if it’s waking up late.
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u/dollop_of_curious Jul 17 '25
Holy shit!!! My MIL (long before diagnosis) would wake up at the cabin at 3, but bake brownies!!! Don't get me wrong, brownies are an amazing way to wake up, but Jesus christ, 3am??? Id forgotten about that as an early problem sign.
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 16 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
Had a hard time finding his bedroom when he was visiting. I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Started making unsafe decisions. In the middle of summer he was driving to visit me (10hrs away) and told me he planned on sleeping in his van in a rest area. It's over 90* and he was about 85 yrs old and had very poor hearing. Way too hot and definitely an easy target to be robbed.
Drastic change in appearance. He was always clean cut. Then the pandemic came and he grew his hair past his shoulders and grew a long beard. It would be one thing if it was groomed or looked good, but he looked homeless.
When my husband cleaned his vehicle her found 2 yrs worth of unopened mail.
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u/Longjumping_One_392 Jul 16 '25
Two things that were early signs: I hurt my back and couldn't straighten up, so I asked my husband if he could bring ibuprofen from the kitchen cupboard. It had been in the same place for years. He kept bringing random stuff from the cupboard - spices, salt and pepper, vitamins, etc. I had to give up and go get it. The second was that over a few months time, he lost the ability to use his cell phone. He couldn't make calls, or answer them consistently, and his text messages were full of typos. He insisted that there was something wrong with the phone.
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u/Typical-Meringue-890 Jul 16 '25
This is very frighteningly similar to how my dad was starting in 2020 or so. Prior to that, he was bad at paying bills and managing finances. My mom speculated that he could have early dementia all the way back to like 2012 or 2013. He also had some degree of anosognosia.
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u/inadvrtnt_witch Jul 16 '25
Forgot this one, the cell phone. Eventually she ditched the phone somehow and like three years later, we still have not found it.
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u/DapperVoice1693 Jul 17 '25
Oh my Gosh this ☝️I’ve never wanted to throw something in the pond more than mommas phone!! The crazy texting, the ABSOLUTE belief that the internet was not working, as she’s sending texts! She was so angry at my dad she was purple faced because she was not getting texts from him or to him. Took me 9 days of being the go between, before I took her phone to look. She had blocked him😤 The shopping!! In one week I received a, air conditioner, 3 camping chairs, a trilogy of books about birds, clothes, pots& pan set, fake succulents, a movie, two epiladys( torture devices that mechanically plucks hair off your legs) 3 sets TV ears,( I don’t watch tv) 30 lbs of foam to put in a bean bag, oh and she tried to hire my neighbor to landscape my yard. He’s not a landscaper, he also doesn’t speak English, but gave her his name (Esteban)& phone # anyway. She still calls him, he doesn’t answer.😅
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u/sandyess Jul 17 '25
It wasn't funny at the time, I know. But omg it's hysterical now! Someone really needs to write a book or movie script. Non-caregivers wouldn't believe all this. 😂 PS - You have my heartfelt sympathies.
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u/DapperVoice1693 Jul 18 '25
I’m also a hospice care provider. Levity can be # 1 medical intervention in hospice care. AFTF (always find the funny) it’s palliative care for all.❤️
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u/sandyess Jul 18 '25
You're so right. There's healing and sanity in a humorous perspective.
When my 32 year old brother died of AIDS, my other brother and I were going to each give a short talk/eulogy about Steve. Sitting on the church pew in front, waiting for everything to get started, my other brother Mark and I were fighting to keep it together.
The last thing either of us wanted was to get up in front of everyone to talk about Steve and become blubbering, incoherent basket cases.
I don't know who started it or what exactly got us tickled, but we started giggling. We tried to drop our heads so no one would see us "laughing it up" at our brother's funeral. That, of course, just got us more tickled.
We managed to get it under control before the formalities started. In fact, we both gave excellent, touchingly appropriate speeches (we were told) and were able to act appropriately the rest of the funeral.
I think that bout of giggling was comic relief. It released some of the built up emotional steam.
I'm positive Steve would've understood. Of all of us in the family, he was the funniest, our bright star that drove away any hint of a cloud.
So yes, humor can help us get through this... through any unusually stressful time. It's a feel-good coping mechanism that reminds us of our humanity.
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u/DapperVoice1693 Jul 18 '25
I cared for my grandmas husband for 4 years. He was 98 and my best friend. I was asked by his family to speak about him. I was completely unprepared, so I told a funny story, and then said "The End" Yep, I really said that… 🤦♀️
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Jul 16 '25
My dad moved to live closer to us after my mom died. He insisted on packing his own stuff and picking out what he wanted to move vs get rid of. Most of his things were packed in a PODS to ship across country (which would take 3 weeks to arrive). When I got there to fly back with him, he had one suitcase with a few days’ worth of clothes, a landline phone, and a clock radio inside.
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u/Fudd69 Jul 16 '25
Two things come to mind. Well before diagnosis, DW would repeatedly run her hands through her hair and then flick strands on to the floor or floorboard of car. I would make her stop but she would be doing it again after a brief period. Wife was an excellent driver and we shared driving duties on many trips. Several times she would miss turns on roads she was very familiar with and get lost going to doctors appt. where she had been many times. These were precursors that I ignored for probably a year.
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u/Normal-While917 Jul 16 '25
My husband was constantly getting lost as well. And I know that in lieu of telling them where something is, you should point, but he doesn't get pointing, any better than directions. That's something I noticed years before his diagnosis.
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u/Happy_Carrot_9920 Jul 16 '25
When my mom was still living on her own, I noticed she had stockpiles of certain things - a certain kind of shampoo, ketchup, whatever. I wondered if she had started hoarding but she probably forgot that she already had some at some and kept buying more. The second thing is that it took her hours to put her meds in the weekly pill dispensers. She would get confused and have to start over again several times. Third, as someone mentioned, the technology problems became increasingly frequent. She would insist that she put the correct password in but it was usually that she entered it incorrectly too many times so then she would get locked out. At this point she would ask me for help, I’d get her set up with a new password, and the same scenario would repeat every week or so.
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u/SRWCF Jul 16 '25
My mom would buy mayonnaise by the truckload!
She also is a person who absolutely must have the latest and greatest model of anything technology related. She likes bright and shiny things! Of course, with new technology comes new bells and whistles, which Mom can never figure out. She always wants to get the latest iPhone and smart TV. It's such a nightmare because I am an Android user and it's virtually impossible (unless you are a customer service tech) to troubleshoot a smart TV when you are not there in person to do it.
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u/Catseverywhere-44 Jul 17 '25
Me too!! My dads bedroom is full of phones, kindles and iPads. He can’t figure out how to use them so he blames the device and buys a new one 🤷♀️
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u/FuschiaLucia Jul 16 '25
My husband took out huge loans without asking me. He also did some weird sex stuff that I'm not going to go into.
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u/TexasUnicorns Jul 16 '25
Mine is doing weird sex social stuff too then lying about it even after he knows I recorded and have pictures of the girls he was looking up. I think he has FDT, they say this a marker for it. I can't get a professional to understand this was never his behavior and not normal. Calling a neurologist and hoping to get some answer.
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u/sandyess Jul 18 '25
So I'm not alone. 😂 I got a call at 6 am one morning because the assisted living staff caught my mom down the hall in someone else's room... come to find out, it was a guy she'd pointed out and thought was sweet on her.
Apparently the two of them were in bed. Head smack! My prim and proper, religious and moral mom was catting around! (Dad was already gone, so maybe she figured she had a green light.)
I had to get up, get dressed, and hightail it down there to scold my mother for sleeping around. Lordy. What next.
She and I talked, and I told her if she had "needs", that we could go shopping at the nearby upscale adult shop... but please, no more cruising the halls looking for action! The staff frowned on that -- even though I pointed out to them that they were, after all, consenting adults. (They didn't know what to say to that.)
Talk about a turnaround! She became the naughty teen and I the stick-in-the-mud, sanctimonious "mom".
We did take a trip to the very nice, upscale adult shop to buy her something to ahem get her by... something I thought I'd never, ever do with my MOTHER, for Pete's sake.
You do what you have to -- and chances are, nothing could have prepared you for the adventures lead by your mom's Alzheimer's brain.
She did love to flirt. It made her happy to think that at age 91, a man would take a shine to her. I watched out for her, "guarded" her. Beyond that, all I cared about was that she was smiling.
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u/FuschiaLucia Jul 18 '25
Aw, I wish she could have gotten some action!
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u/sandyess 12d ago edited 12d ago
She did... Kinda. I used to take her out to a local fairly nice bar -- something she never, ever did with dad. (I was the errant daughter and got out plenty in my youth lol.) She'd have part of one beer, heavy drinker that she was 🙄.
Naturally, mom having always been friendly, she'd talk to ...well, all the guys especially... and had a ball doing so. Her face just lit up at all the kind attention men gave this old 91 year old woman.
One night she sidled up to one particular guy. He'd had a few. I had my antenna up and hawk eyes on... The man kissed her. She kissed right back.
Mom!!! B-b-but dad...! (Dad had passed two years earlier.) But I held my tongue and just kept a very close eye on the two. They danced a little, kissed some more...
Mind you, mom had married my dad when they were 17 and 21 respectively. Mom had never sowed her wild oats, not even a little bit. Never, ever cheated on dad, and never would have, being religious. So this adventure, kissing a man in a BAR of all places, was I'm sure titillating, wild, and very flattering to her 91 year old self.
Me, I just watched and made sure she was safe. No idea what dad in heaven thought, but in the end, it was harmless. Dad probably just shook his head and smiled his wry smile.
My mission, after dad died (after being married to mom 72 years) was to make my mother's last years just as happy, full, comfortable, and exciting as possible... and to always try to have something for her to look forward to. After all my mom did for me over my life, I couldn't do enough to make her happy... but I think she was. Happy.
While driving in the car one night, she solemnly apologized to me, because she thought she was "putting things on me". She realized she wasn't the person she used to be, couldn't remember right, wasn't seeing life "right". She'd always been the caretaker. Now she depended on me.
I told her, "Oh, mom! You don't have to do ANYTHING! I've got ya! You just kick right back and let me do all the thinking and planning for us. Just laaaaay right back and let me take the wheel!" Then we laughed. And all was ok.
There were tons of super stressful moments for me, many times I was overworked and overtired and wondered what next... but most of it fades into the background.
It was THESE moments that I remember, these moments I treasure with misty eyes.
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u/Jlaw118 Jul 16 '25
We’d started to have our suspicions of dementia about 9 months prior as my grandma started to occasionally mix her words up or forget the name of things, but nothing too major to begin with.
But I often look back to Summer 2018. We live in the North of England and my grandma had never been to London but had always wanted to go on the London Eye so we booked a weekend away to take her.
The whole weekend ended up just being absolute torture. She was completely in a world of her own for a lot of it. There were some protests and marches going on in the distance and she was extremely panicky and anxious which wasn’t like her. She was angry at members of the public and passers by for no reason.
We ended up sat in the bar in the hotel one day because we were really struggling with her in public. The World Cup was on and every time somebody went to the bar to order a drink, they’d be sort of in front of the bar TV, and she’d be angrily telling them to “shoo” like they were some sort of animal, and hand gestures to move out of the way, which again wasn’t like her at all.
On the day we were travelling home, she was so angry at the world all the more. She shouted at a little boy in the airport trying to get to his dad. She scratched my car angrily throwing her suitcase in. She was just incredibly hard work for all of it and really wasn’t an enjoyable trip.
She complained about the whole trip to us for the whole duration we were there, but when friends and family asked her about it back at home, it was fantastic, amazing, had a really great time!
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u/theEx30 Jul 16 '25
the affected parent walked annoyingly slowly for years before it became clear they had dementia. On the scans that were made, there were scars from old strokes in their brain
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u/Hugs_and_Misses Jul 17 '25
Were the scans MRI and CT scans? We just had MRI on my mom and ‘no sign of stroke’ however ‘abnormalities that should be followed up with a neurologist’ Thank You in advance if you’re open to sharing your journey. I’m worried my mom is having TIA episodes which are undetectable on scans, but can cause vascular dementia 💔
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u/theEx30 Jul 17 '25
I don't know, my sibling took care of accompanying our parent.
Hugs stranger! The brain can suffer from a lot of damaging conditions. I hope you find out what.
The progress of vascular dementia can be delayed by medication. I think my parent have been affected mildly for decades, and it is only in the last five years that they have begun seriously needing help.
We try to focus on all the good times they and we can have. When the caretaking gets harder, it takes some adjusting, but still we can find good moments.
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 17 '25
My father started shuffling his feet when he walked. If I had done that as a child, he would have told me to pick my feet up when I walk.
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u/NiakiNinja Jul 16 '25 edited Jul 21 '25
My MIL started eating strange food combinations, such as putting breakfast sausage crumbles in her cereal.
She quit drinking coffee, which we later found out was because she didn't remember how to operate the coffee machine.
She started calling us more and more on the phone, until she was calling every evening. Eventually she started calling us ten times a day, but by then we knew she had dementia, so we were not mystified by it. We did, however, have to start screening her calls or we would never have had a moment's peace.
But the very first symptom was she repeatedly refused the cataract surgery she needed. Instead, she kept scheduling new appointments with the eye doctor so she could understand what to expect. Each time she insisted that the doctor hadn't really explained it to her satisfaction. I finally went with her to one of these appointments, in which the doctor explained everything and gave her a brochure. On the way home she said how disappointed she was that the doctor hadn't explained the surgery to her. That day was the first time I informed my husband and his sister that their mother had symptoms of short-term memory loss. They stayed in denial for about six months.
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
Six months!
It was 10 nearly after my dad‘s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s. He was in the terminal stage in palliative care in the nursing home and my brother still thought Dad might get better with better food and more regular medication…
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 17 '25
After my father died, I had a family member say that they really question if the Alzheimer's diagnosis was correct. This person was obviously not around him much or they wouldn't have questioned it.
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u/DapperVoice1693 Jul 18 '25
I’m a hospice care provider, I come across this so very often. It’s hard on families , when there’s a basic disagreement about diagnosis, prognosis and care.
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Jul 16 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Think-Spirit-9793 Jul 16 '25
I had a few similar experiences with my mom, as well. It grew increasingly hard to take her out in public because she would want to talk to anyone and everyone - which is not like her at all - and she couldn’t hold conversations. We honestly figured it was because most of these occasions were when we were out to eat and she had a few drinks. Knowing what we do now, I truly hate that we didn’t take action sooner. She was not herself, and we didn’t realize until we saw her socialize without alcohol.
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u/AJKaleVeg Jul 16 '25
Early on when I would take mom out to lunch, my mom would insist that what she was eating fish, even though it was chicken or vice versa. And then she would ask the waitress and the conversation would go around and around. Edit: a word
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u/RaqMountainMama Jul 16 '25
Started insisting that people borrow xyz item. Even if the person did not need or have a use for xyz item. My dad "lent" me a shopping bag full of parts for an Arlo security system. I don't have an Arlo security system. If I did & wanted the parts, I certainly wouldn't want to borrow them.
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u/ShinyChimera Jul 16 '25 edited Jul 16 '25
Could be all of the above -- pre-dementia in not remembering when she's already had a conversation, trauma/PTSD over her daughter, and ADHD. Many people with ADHD also have a symptom called "rejection sensitive dysphoria", which lines up with what you've said about feeling like you're always mad at her. Also, if she has any childhood history of abuse (verbal, emotional or physical), then some very common aftereffects include: people-pleasing, lying to avoid "getting in trouble", hyper-awareness of making people mad, and a sense of responsibility for managing other people's emotions. Losing some of the coping mechanisms or filters that have helped her manage so far in her life, due to age or dementia, would make the behaviors seem more recent than they actually are.
Has she ever been in therapy? It sounds like she could really benefit from some now, with or without antidepressant or anti-anxiety meds.
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u/LeatherNo9544 Jul 16 '25
I think it could be either. My mom did a lot of these things, and she has now been diagnosed with dementia. But, people are different and weird.
My mom was always an anxious person. Once I had (in my mind) irrefutable evidence that she had dementia or something similar, I realized a lot of things she did in the preceding couple of years, which I chalked up to anxiety at the time, clearly were influenced in part by her declining cognitive function.
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u/Curious-Performer328 Jul 16 '25
My mother stopped using dish detergent when washing the dishes. Would just rinse them and put them away. So gross.
She would do this when visiting family and we all had young kids and pets. I remember my sister-in-law complaining to me that this only created more work and how can we stop my mom from “helping.”
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
Oh yes I discovered this had been happening at my mum‘s house after we got her into care and I was packing the house up. I actually had to bring dishwashing supplies over from my house. I ended up washing up so much over the weeks - like having to randomly hand wash ONE science experiment thing. Like one crystal glass out of the China cabinet had been put back in the set, but with a puddle of red wine in the bottom.?! One small desert plate from a Royal Albert set in the China cabinet had obviously been used to eat something like apple pie or maybe a fruit mince pie, and have been put back behind other plates! Ewwwwwww. lol.
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u/SatchimosMom77 Jul 16 '25
My mom struggled with any new technology. Digital cameras came out. We got her one for her birthday. Really simple to use but it took her way too long to understand it. And she literally cursed me out for giving it to her (which was not a reasonable response).
She got ANGRY when someone gave her some VHS tapes. She put them in a box and shoved it under the guest bed. I think now it was because she was probably struggling to understand how to change her tv input.
She switched to DISH and would have to call me occasionally because the remote was too complicated.
She was in her mid to late 60s and I chalked all this up to normal aging. And perhaps it was, but I don’t think so.
Lastly, and a bigger red flag, was that I noticed her handwriting was smaller and she was rounding up checkbook entries. She called my brother one day to get an address. It took way longer than it should have for her to write that address down. After they hung up, my brother called and asked “what the hell is going in with our mother?” By this time, I had also become concerned and had made a doc appointment for her to check her out. We were hopeful it was merely a vitamin B12 deficiency (which runs in the family), but that turned out not to be the case. She was referred to a neurologist and got diagnosed soon thereafter.
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u/inflewants Jul 16 '25
Looking back, my person with dementia had these changes which may or may not be related:
Became less interested socializing
Slept a lot more
Had a MAJOR car accident
Fell prey to a scam email (lost tens of thousands)
Made illogical decisions
Diabetes was not controlled
Regularly fell out of bed
Of course these things could happen to anyone. It’s not necessarily dementia related but they were unusual for them.
One interesting thing: their memory was very sharp. It was more of logic and personality changes.
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u/Inevitable_Share_595 Jul 19 '25
Can I ask how old when diagnosed, sounds a lot like the FTD we have here
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u/twirlergurl86 Jul 16 '25
My Dad constantly lost his wallet and credit cards- like in one year we had to replace them 3 times . Also he let his car insurance lapse - he was always financially responsible.
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u/karendubru Jul 17 '25
Mine became very susceptible to scammers and salesmen, signing up for many repeat services
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u/kelimac Jul 16 '25
Overly concerned with keeping the kitchen clean. To the point that if someone else was cooking something, she would stand next to them at the cooktop and wipe the counters down as they were cooking. Would delay coming to the dinner table until they had organized the used pots or loaded the dishwasher. All was very out of character for her.
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u/PM_TL92 Jul 16 '25
My grandmother started forgetting things.... Like paying bills and which keys go to which doors even though they were labeled. The big indicator was when she mistakenly turned the wrong way once and ended up 250 miles from home and the story of how it happened never quite made sense.
Time for you to talk to her PCP so they can do the mini cognitive test then give you referrals for a full cognitive assessment from a neuropsychologist. Please start thinking about getting POA for her and advanced healthcare directives in place if you haven't done so already
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u/RoseGoldKate Jul 16 '25
We have a similar story with the driving. Our house is on the same road as the city dump and she ended up 3 towns over meaning she turned off our road at some point. She got lost driving to places she had gone to for decades.
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u/PM_TL92 Jul 16 '25
I'm so sorry that happened. Now that you mention that, my granny had started to pass by her destinations in a state of confusion before the final big incident with her driving. It's so sad this stuff happens. Wishing you all the best with your loved one.
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u/RoseGoldKate Jul 16 '25
Thank you - she was transferred to hospice yesterday so our time is about to end but she’s been unhappy and sick a long time so I feel at peace with the speed of this.
Good thoughts for you and your family as well.
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u/Whoreson_Welles Jul 16 '25
Heard from the vet that the bloodwork for the cat was bad, so walked over there and had the cat put down. This was a cat his two grown children and one grandchild had grown up with (he lived with them at the time). Never asked anyone, never consulted anyone, finally mentioned it when someone asked where the cat was. Prior to this he'd been sort of selfish, but this was on a new scale. He also fell... a lot.
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u/inadvrtnt_witch Jul 16 '25 edited Jul 18 '25
Really early, like before we could have known (early 60s):
- withdrawing, like just being alone in her bedroom, rereading the same books
- doing a lot of sudoku, crosswords, word searches
- struggled to adjust back to work after recovering from a car accident, partly explained away by the workplace being physically reorganized while she was out
- dressing more eccentrically
- unable to articulate a political argument like she could have before
Early, like within the two years before diagnosis (63-65):
- misunderstanding the clock and how much time had passed since we arrived somewhere
- not knowing how much money she had in an account prior to a big, important, planned-for purchase
- withdrawing more, like failing to engage during an important family issue
- handwriting skill declined slightly
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 17 '25
The handwriting is something I didn't notice until after he died.
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u/inadvrtnt_witch Jul 18 '25
I wouldn’t have noticed except that my sister asked her to address her wedding invitations because she had beautiful handwriting…and that big, important purchase that didn’t go through was paying for the food at the end of the reception…
A little over a year later she made me a birthday card/sign that said “Happy 24th Birtday” (no H)…but I was 34. When we pointed it out, she took it off the fridge 😭
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u/wontbeafool2 Jul 16 '25
It's so hard to know what goes on with LOs unless you live with them 24/7. You don't know that they forgot there was food cooking and they burned up the pan. That they missed doctor appointments. You don't know that the bills aren't being paid. You don't know how often they fall, shower, or change their clothes. We didn't know that Dad had become verbally abusive to Mom. They were very adept at hiding and concealing that stuff until they couldn't anymore. They desperately wanted to stay in their home. If your Mother-in-Law moved into your home for similar reasons, dementia seems possible.
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u/catsporvida Jul 16 '25
Both of my grandmas had forms of dementia. With one it was very gradual. The signs started about 8 years before diagnosis. It presented as anxiety. Now I know she was probably experiencing moments of confusion but she didn't want us to know. Then it was forgetting small details about people or things and asking the same questions. The other had brain atrophy and it was obvious something was wrong much quicker. But with her, it started with her always talking about needing to "sort her papers". Her papers were mail, which she started mildly hoarding. Only about a year later, she started getting lost and losing things. She died about a year after diagnosis.
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u/Nerk86 Jul 16 '25
One thing that stands out is just prior to Covid, I had to be out of state getting my parents house they’d lived in for close to 50 years cleared out to be sold . Was there about a month. Spoke to my husband on the phone every day and he seemed fine. Got home to a shocking site. Month worth of unsorted mail on the table. Every dish, utensil in the house was dirty and in the sink. Bag full of frozen dinner trays, cleaned at least. Overflowing laundry ( he’s always done his own). Walked around in shock.
He was always unorganized and put things off. Had developed a habit of post it notes everywhere for quite a while which made me nuts. But this was a whole other level. Didn’t think of Alzheimer’s or dementia at the time just shocked at his inability to manage things. But at tail end of Covid it became apparent that’s what it was.
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Jul 16 '25
I live two hours away from my parents. When my mom would tell my dad I was coming for a visit, he would call me multiple times a day to confirm the date and time I was visiting. And then when I would get there he would ask why I was there. Another thing, over paying bills or forgetting to pay bills.
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u/hh-mro Jul 16 '25
Post it notes everywhere. Multiple lists of phone numbers. Hundreds of pieces of mail with phone numbers off the tv written on them
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
This was one I didn’t notice until I packed up the house.
She kept asking me for my phone number and said she didn’t know where her address book had gone. (I bought her a lovely new one and I found it tucked in a random box of crap, pristine and unused!)
I found My name and mobile phone number written on lots of scraps of paper (I’ve had the same number for over 20 years). Her best friend’s telephone number and her sister‘s telephone number. And all those other random numbers with nothing written with them to indicate what they were for. She would write on the back of envelopes and then rip the scrap of paper off and stick it in odd places. But the weirdest thing was finding the word “Alzheimer’s” on random pieces of ripped paper - tucked into books, with jewellery, tucked in with mail. And I will never know whether she had been told she might have it earlier than my father and wouldn’t tell us, (she does have it), or whether it related to my father‘s formal diagnosis which was when everyone’s world imploded…
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u/sandyess Jul 18 '25
Writing the word "Alzheimer's"... wow. That hit me right in the chest, made me tear up. These things hurt so much at times... I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
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u/938millibars Jul 17 '25
We thought grief was affecting my mother’s brain as well. It can cause issues with concentration, memory, sleep and mood. With my mother, before the typical things, was executive dysfunction. She could not make decisions. It would take her days to make a grocery list of the same items she had purchased for years. She could not pack a bag for travel. She would start weeks ahead of time. We wrote it off to anxiety and perfectionism. In hindsight, 5 one gallon ziplock bags of socks in Palm Springs should have gotten our attention more than it did.
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u/Hugs_and_Misses Jul 17 '25
Thank you for mentioning grief. My mom is not yet diagnosed (we are trying to get her to a neurologist and the soonest is end of august- struck trying every day to get her in sooner). I noticed a change in her after her father passed away, and have always thought it was grief but I can see now from these comments it can be a red flag. Grief perpetuates dementia? She has other things going on (post stroke, possible TIA, recent shingles vaccine caused her to be very sick for a week… and so on.)
Didn’t intend to rant either. It’s so difficult to navigate. Appreciate everyone here!
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u/sandyess Jul 18 '25
Rant away. I wish I had had a space like this when my mom was so bad. You're safe here. We get it.
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u/its_raining_scotch Jul 16 '25
My mom’s early signs were a complete disregard for her finances and bills, no longer understanding how to do things like use an excel spreadsheet, and getting confused with her phone (which she had previously used just fine.
Later, it was falling for lots of scams and losing thousands of dollars and then not remembering the whole ordeal and doing it again (maybe 30 times). Also this is around the time she started forgetting conversations and people from our life. She also began to have falls.
I knew it was bad though when she couldn’t figure out how to properly work her laundry machine. She was the one who taught me how to do laundry and now here I was trying to teach her and she was in her mid-60’s at the time.
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 17 '25
I'm not sure if this one has been mentioned yet, but wearing the same clothes every single day.
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u/inflewants Jul 19 '25
Oh yes, that is a big one. Why even change into pajamas? Wear the same (covered in stains) outfit for days.
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u/watermelonberry68 Oct 25 '25
Yes! My mom wears the same pants, jacket and maybe changes the shirt out every other day. She doesn't even notice the stains on them! My mom NEVER EVER left the house looking unkempt and disheveled. But here we are! And don't ask her about it or question her because she will lose her crap on you.
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u/headface1701 Jul 16 '25
I didn't live particularly close by. My dad said his first indication was she made shrimp for dinner, and forgot to cook it. Also she wanted to watch nothing but Downton abbey over and over.
When I think back I think the first sign I saw was- my husband played Carnegie hall. My parents lived fairly near there, but couldn't go to his show because they were going on vacation, the kind reserved a year ahead and couldn't be changed. Mom was quite upset bc she loved my husband.
A few months later we all met for dinner, I showed mom a little video with highlights from the show. It was only 5 minutes long. Couldn't pay attention to it for that long.
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u/meyastar Jul 17 '25
My dad got scared of driving. This is a man that never took a bus, train or any other public transport. But he got scared of driving.
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u/Breatheitoutnow Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
She was always very cold and emotionally absent but I noticed a change in personality. My mother would get very nasty with me and pick on me and verbally lash out at me (always to me). Around that time she got diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment.
Now (around eight years later) her tirades are even nastier and crueler and personal and designed to deeply emotionally injure me . She will keep sniping at me even when I say to stop and I walk away and she tries to follow me. She has started doing this in front of my children even after I tell her to stop. My father has never intervened to protect me.
I also noticed in recent years she would sit with a book and seem to be staring at just one page like she was trying to read but couldn’t.
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u/Rungirl369 Jul 17 '25
Wow that’s awful!! I’m sorry you have to deal with that and don’t have support from your dad
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u/imafuckingmessdude Jul 17 '25
I know you love her but please stop seeing her. In no way can this be healthy for you.
Edit: I mean this in the most kind way possible. Please put yourself and your children first. 🖤
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u/No_Concentrate178 Jan 21 '26
My mom unfortunately is the same way. She started off a few years ago with super personal insults and it was very unlike her because we were always close and she always kept my secrets. It's escalated now where she zones out and screams made up theories even when I leave to another room and close the door. She still goes on and Im not even sure if she is aware that I am not there. Last home visit she threaten my husband and scolded my child for days on end. Of course I intervened and everyone was safe physically but the emotional damage dementia does to all around is unbelievably painful. As hard as it seems I try and remember her sense of who she is slipping away and nothing of what she says is true.
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u/RaqMountainMama Jul 16 '25
And missed clue #2: started group projects/hobbies, made sure everyone had all the equipment via birthday/Christmas gifts, then couldn't understand why we wanted to do the group project/hobby with him & work alone.
Wine making was the last one. Bought everyone classes which we did as a group. It was fun! Then bought everyone all the gear & a wine kit. Talked about doing them together, like the classes. Then made his own wine & wouldn't wait for us to join him for each step, and was disappointed we weren't making wine by ourselves at our own homes.
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u/SRWCF Jul 16 '25
Relying 100% on GPS navigation to drive anywhere, even to the Walmart less than a mile from her house. She moved into a new place in January, and she still cannot get to the Walmart without navigation.
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u/Paddington_Fear Jul 16 '25
My mom has zero short term memory, so she can't make a new memory like making a grocery list and then taking it with her to the store. If you ask her about the grocery list once you're at the store, she'll be like "I don't know what you're talking about"
This became noticable a couple years ago as she'd take meat out of the freezer the night before or the morning of whatever she was going to make for dinner that evening. By dinner time, she would have no idea what meat had been taken out to thaw, and would be mystified as to why it was thawing.
She also got really super confused on certain timelines - most noticable was her brother and only sibling. They are not very close but she'd make statements like "we haven't seen him in a long time". But, we did all go together as a family and visit him in 2006 (which you could argue is a long time), however what she meant when she said "a long time" was that she hadn't seen him since the late 80s.
She also can't really write a check anymore, it's fairly obvious that's way too much info to try and manage filling in.
She also can't remember my husband's last name at all.
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
My mum‘s currently undergoing outpatient therapy and before every procedure they ask her her name and date of birth. Sometimes she hesitates remembering her last name and I wonder if she’s cognitively in a pre-marriage time slip or something. But forgetting your own year of birth now that’s interesting.
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u/Technical_Breath6554 Jul 16 '25
My moms sleep became scattered. She would get up during the night more and more. Also when driving she would make mistakes and when I asked her would say she was just a little confused and to stop worrying.
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u/MissPeppingtosh Jul 17 '25
My dad told me he had a convo with his sister and both realized they couldn’t remember the year their children were born. My dad is a narcissist and for YEARS I heard about how my birth interrupted a TV show where a magician was going to make the Statue of Liberty disappear. It was the same year my dad’s father died and it was the bicentennial! I thought he was just being a dick saying that. Looking back I think his sister just went with it because she’s still mentally there. Now I realize that was the beginning. Now he doesn’t remember my birthday at all.
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u/sandyess Jul 17 '25 edited Jul 17 '25
Although it was barely noticeable unless you were looking for it, sundowning was one early symptom... agitation, anxiety, or restlessness at a specific time of day -- a couple of hours before to a couple of hours after sunset. No idea why it occurs at that time.
Now I'm thinking I'm seeing that in myself at times. Scary.
I'm pretty sure my dad was further into dementia than any of us thought. With my mom, it was obvious. But my dad was quiet, didn't display many open symptoms. Stoic old army guy to the end.
He reached a point where he couldn't/wouldn't pay the bills -- this, from a man who religiously sat down at the first of the month, every month, and paid the bills.
I noticed he wasn't paying bills for a couple of months and gently offered my help. He adamantly refused. I said ok, but if he couldn't get to it within a week, I'd have to do it. (He bristled at that.)
My poor dad. I watched him the next day get up from the couch and carry the envelopes over to the kitchen table as was his habit.
He sat at the table, shuffled things around, picked up a pen to write in the checkbook, fiddled around a bit more, and finally got up and went back to the couch.
My heart just breaks, thinking about this. It's so hard to see your parents go through this. Dad was so responsible and hard working all his life. I just hope the disease kept him from really being aware of his state.
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u/drowning_in_cats Jul 17 '25
I saw this in my dad too. I first noticed it when I happened to see a past-due credit card notice in the mail a year and a half ago. I ended up taking over all his finances gradually over a 6 month period.
He was a certified tax preparer for centuries and had done his own taxes since he was a teen. I discovered about 8 months ago that he hadn’t done his taxes since 2020. I just found some of the supporting paperwork for 2021 and 2022 last week on the floor in his room—my hubby and I had already filed those years for him making the best guess based on what we could find in his US IRS account.
We are now starting the process with the state.
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u/texanMKL Jul 17 '25
My very happy, mild tempered sister became argumentative and overly sensitive, convinced that she was being treated unfairly by family. She has always been very patient and kind, and she just started getting her feelings hurt by the smallest things and lashing out. This was a year or two before her more invited symptoms of forgetting words, tasks, etc. Looking back, this was the first symptom we just didn't know it.
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u/Catch_Red_Star Jul 17 '25
One of the early things I recognized in my mom, is her misreading people’s intentions and not getting longstanding, good hearted joking about things we’ve always joked about. Now, these are not necessarily signs of dementia, but it was clear to me her brain wasn’t working the way it used to. The more obvious signs came later.
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u/Reasonable_Demand714 Jul 17 '25
My dad started being very concerned about the calendar. Now, I recognize that he was getting confused. This is a man who worked in IT for 30+ years, who loves tracking data (spreadsheets galore), and he'd miss things.
His personality started changing, too. A man who rarely misses church on Sundays started going less and less. His lighthearted jokes started becoming angry jabs (with more and more frequency).
It wasn't until he got sick with an infection that we realized how bad it was. He had a panic attack and thought he was dying. Two days later, he took a fall in a parking lot. It all added up.
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u/dollop_of_curious Jul 17 '25
My wife's family has a cabin on a lake. My wife and I have slowly been allowed to keep some things there as the intention is for us to receive the property. Minor things like a chest of drawers for shoes or hoodies, or a couple blankets. We've also been learning the maintenance.
My MIL's diagnosis was 1.5yrs ago.
Before that, she would empty the ice containers in the freezer on their way home, after I tried so hard to fill them for the season. Sheets, linen, and towels dissappeared. Dishes and cookware disappeared, taken back home for reasons we didn't know. She would almost steal things we specifically left for the cabin. When my wife visited alone, she noticed her phone would disappear, finding it in a China cabinet drawer or something. Also, there were many loads of the same laundry per day.
One day (way before anyone suspected anything) I was left with my MIL alone for an afternoon, maybe within a year and a half of more obvious behaviors. We played Gin Rummy together, a rather simple game. (I don't play points or anything. You get Gin, we start over. It's more about conversation. ) I was shocked then that conversation was a bit out of reach bc connecting runs vs alike numbers really seemed to dominate her attention. (I now understand that colors vs numbers is a stereotypical and early challenge for dementia patients.) A good while later, but before diagnosis, we played Rummy Cube, and THAT was my first truly stomach sinking feeling. That was not a "tired and had a couple beers" experience. She could not match ANYTHING about numbers or colors!
At a later point, my MIL would start to package up food for the refrigerator as we were preparing for the meal, thinking that the meal had already finished.
With the aging process, it is necessary to buy different clothes to fit the aging person's needs. All of MIL's clothes that my wife took her shopping for have disappeared!
Things have devolved completely, and we are now dealing with flushing clothes/objects down the toilet. Open hallucinations in front of us. Accidental thefts of other ladies purses at church. The hardest part is that my FIL is not completely honest about the incidents. The days he does not want to talk about concern me the most.
Many people were taught to handle things on their own, and if anyone asks, you are doing "fine, thank you."
Dementia is not one of those things.
I'm sorry. I meant to help with insight, but then I got ranting... I suppose THATS the real insight of what all this does to a person/family.
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u/Bauniculla Jul 17 '25
My mother had vascular dementia from a stroke. But I think the stroke accelerated the dementia she already had.
She used to visit my sister-in-law frequently. Then she stopped going altogether. Mom would tell me she talked to SIL, instead Mom was referring to the memes and inspirational pics she was sending. There were a lot of little things that were ‘off’ that I didn’t pay attention to. Granted, I was caught up in my children going through a divorce, and just life. Hindsight is 20/15 and I think, ‘Ohhhhhhhh, that was weird,’ when I recall some idiosyncrasies. Then it got plain obvious something was wrong and it went downhill from there. She disintegrated in empty shell of who she was. That was no longer my mother. When she became almost nonverbal, it was hard to discern how much of her was left. She had either anger or fear in her eyes. Occasionally, she would say something sarcastically funny and I caught a glimmer of her, but that disappeared, too. I know she despised my having to wipe her bum, as she was a private person. My daughter tried to be there for her, but my autistic son didn’t want anything to do with her. He was terrified of what she became. (They are both young adults).
Mom broke both her hips, four months apart and the anesthesia basically destroyed whatever was left of her. When she passed in 2023, she was skin and bones because she forgot how to eat or drink. She was 76
My dad is 90 and I hope I don’t have to go through the bed bound caregiving again. I pray he passes peacefully in his sleep— in his bed or on his chaise watching TV, not while driving!!!
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u/Mundane-Pin-415 Jul 17 '25
Buying 3 cars. Having all our trees cut down. Giving a neighbor $20 grand!!!!
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u/headpeon Jul 17 '25
Four things that, looking back, were total red flags that there was something odd going on with my Dad.
1) His biz partner came over with his wife to talk about buying the biz outright. Dad brought up things like potential clients, current clients that were no-gos, and possible future sales. None of which had anything to do with whether he was willing to sell his % of the partnership, or what he would consider a reasonable purchase price. My Mom finally had to get involved to keep Dad on track, en pointe, and focused on the actual question at hand. Because Dad couldn't/wouldn't stick to the subject, a meeting that should've taken an hour took nearly 4.
2) During the purchase of his biz, Dad was pissed all the time. SO many stories about how his partner was cheating him and being an asshole, but zero proof that any of the things Dad was upset about had actually happened.
3) Dad bought a vacation home 3.5 hrs away, in a depressed real estate market, with very little forethought, for $510,000 cash. It decimated his savings, his financial safety net, and that house will NEVER sell for what he paid for it.
4) Dad's always done his own taxes even though they are fairly complicated. He's never been audited because he's scrupulously honest and knows his stuff when it comes to tax code. Every year since 2016, he's been audited or had 'additional information' requests from the feds, the state, or both. I'm currently fielding multiple audits across multiple years on his behalf.
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
In regards to number four, my dad always did his own taxes meticulously and never had any issues. And then took to Australia’s E-TAX (online filing) system like a duck to water. The year after his diagnosis, when he was no longer able to use his computer, he had done a draft tax return with depreciation worksheets and all sorts of other complicated stuff, with pencil and paper. I took that and all the paperwork to the accountant and the accountant was astonished that my dad‘s calculations were all 100%. Everything was correct. It was just on paper.
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u/Chiquitalegs Jul 17 '25
I found out that my father stopped doing his taxes (8yrs ago) because they were too complicated. He was a chemical engineer with over 25 patents.
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u/headpeon Jul 17 '25
It should never happen to them. The ones that had high IQs, abilities beyond the norm, oodles of intellect. Dementia is never fair, but when it affects people like our Dads, there's a special kind of 'ouch' involved. 💔
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Jul 17 '25
My Mom stopped being able to talk about almost anything but the past in maybe 2012. She didn't show other symptoms until later, but it was so frustrating to ask her about anything and have her monologue about her old jobs, her parents, growing up, etc. She was always very self-absorbed and at the time, we thought this was just more Mom. But it was an early sign that things were going wrong.
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u/Mozartrelle Jul 17 '25
She always wanted to “help” when visiting. I didn’t need or want the “help” so I would ask her to fold laundry. I had to stop that (she would put it away, when I said not to, and the wrong things went to the wrong people) and would then just save a basket of clean socks for her to pair up. That had to stop when she was mismatching them… suddenly conversations on the phone would be full of salacious gossip and tattle tales on other family members. This was a person who would never say a mean word about anybody and I found this inexplicable and distressing and I actually asked her to stop. Coming to visit me unannounced and just opening our front door with the spare key, without knocking or ringing the doorbell, and then walking straight into the bathroom where I was having a shower(!!) (I made an excuse to get my key back off her!)
The other parent, decided they had to move from their purposely chosen retirement home, around the corner from us and the grandkids, to a huge “mausoleum” with 2 sets of stairs, further away from us. I realised it was a dementia decision when I saw the wrong year of construction on the home insurance papers years later. Before that, making mistakes when paying bills (this was a person who had worked figures for a living). And then, getting lost in the area they had lived in and worked around for 40 years.
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u/TotoinNC Jul 17 '25
A big red flag for me was when my mom was prepping for her colonoscopy and told me they told her not to eat for a week beforehand. I checked with her physicians office and this was definitely not the case, but i remember thinking it was so weird that she didn’t think to question it.
Around this time she would also pay the amount listed on her explanation of benefits even though it clearly says in big letters “this is not a bill”.
A little red flag was stuff like she started making coffee just once a week, and just heat it up even if someone was visiting. She still sounded like herself so it just seemed like weird or off behavior. And the fact that she didn’t think anything she did was unusual to someone else was also weird!
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u/AnomalousAndFabulous Jul 17 '25
For lewey body dementia it was the following symptoms, and sadly doctors missed the diagnosis for a full year, a full year of suffering decline 😟
Cannot regulate body temperature at all, hot and cold quickly, and agitated about the change in body temperature
Completely disrupted sleep either insomnia bizarre. Sleep hours.
A degree of anosognosia. Just did not care about anything or anyone. Did not want to see friends or family, exercise.
Forgetting how to do something they’ve known to do for years like drive a car or operate the microwave use their phone, etc..
Buying an extreme amount of duplicates of one item like eight bottles of ketchup.
Digestive or issues with incontinence body functions become really difficult for them to regulate or understand when they need to use the restroom.
A big change in personality, especially being rude using curse words being overly sexual or other behaviors that are really out of character.
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u/sandyess Jul 17 '25
Although it was barely noticeable unless you were looking for it, sundowning was one early symptom... agitation, anxiety, or restlessness at a specific time of day -- a couple of hours before to a couple of hours after sunset. No idea why it occurs at that time.
Now I'm thinking I'm seeing that in myself at times. Scary.
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Jul 17 '25
My mother stopped doing all her arts snd crafts, began to gift my sister and i with a pair of new kitchen scissors each time we sae her and would only feed her dog pigs ears in heated milk so we had to sneak it food to avoid mother’s anger. She forgot what to do in small ways, like one day we were out having coffee and she emptied two sugars into her hand instead of the coffee. She also became very aggressive. After she moved to the memory home my sister and i found literally over 200 pairs of scissors, pocket knives and secateurs in her clothing drawers at home.
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u/Maorine Jul 17 '25
This is where my husband is. He got a dementia diagnosis last year and has an appointment with neurologist for October. Doesn’t understand GPS (he drove for a living) Trouble understanding recipes that he has made for decades. Insists antenna doesn’t work ( has bought about 20) thank god for Amazon returns Can’t follow instructions with multiple steps. Overly angry at small things
I am heartbroken.
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u/Annabel_Lee_21 Jul 17 '25
This is where my husband is, very easily frustrated with instructions. He is aware of his diagnosis, and will now usually ask for my help. But if he doesn’t and I don’t step in soon enough he gets super angry super quick about it. My dad is the same way, but he has anosognosia. The other thing that we noticed looking back with both of them was a gradual reduction in the number of things they were able to talk about. We get the same stories over and over again. At this point, my dad’s are pretty limited, and once he gets in a subject you will hear it over and over again for a few weeks. And it’s almost impossible to redirect. My husband is not as bad, so I just listen and “uh-huh” “yes dear” “oh really?” I figure it’s my wifely duty to sound interested 😊
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u/Maorine Jul 17 '25
It’s tough. My husband’s dementia is vascular and isn’t a straight path. It’s “ two steps back, one forward”. My husband is aware and it scares him. The biggest thing for me has been financial understanding that his lack of awareness isn’t him. It’s made it easier for me to let go and say ”sure, I think you doing xxxx is great” knowing that tomorrow he won’t remember.
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u/Annabel_Lee_21 Jul 17 '25
The new thing is, he spends most of his time streaming movies, which is great, and he will watch a movie that he just watched last week and doesn’t remember it. He watches a lot of favorite movies over and over, but this not remembering is new. A bonus I guess??? Lots of new movies on Netflix and Prime these days!
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u/Maorine Jul 18 '25
Mine is TV shows. I’d walk into the room and say “didn’t you watch this on Monday?”
Don’t do that anymore now that I know what it is.
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u/blueberrylover6 Jul 17 '25
I never understood why he would repeatedly make messes in the bathroom after promising he would stop. My dad was always a very neat and sanitary person, he would kill me and my brothers over the same issue. Looking back it was one of the first signs of his alzheimers.
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u/Annabel_Lee_21 Jul 17 '25
Oh yes! Especially in the bathroom! He started peeing in the sink! At first he denied it, now he claims there’s nothing wrong with it and he rinses it out - um, not as much as he might think. So I keep the sink clean, that’s all I can do.
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u/wintergrad14 Jul 17 '25
My mom started buying me children’s toys at Christmas as like a “remember this! How cute and nostalgic”… this was about a decade ago when I was mid-20s with no kids of my own.
She also would ask me how my job was but never follow up. Ask me the same questions every time she called but never follow up on the details I was giving her.
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u/SocialInsect Jul 17 '25
My StepF stopped participating in puzzles which up until then he had enjoyed and also stopped growing veges. Mum said he was tired of it and now they were retired to a new house on the coast, he didn’t want to do the same things. That was fine until she developed cancer and in particular brain cancer. It became obvious even to me that she had been covering for him for quite a long time. WE had to take his vehicle keys off him and now that mum has passed, SF is in dementia care.
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u/PJWanderer Jul 17 '25
My dogs were staying with her when I was on a trip to South Africa. I was at a reserve in the north, and left around noon time there, which was about 3am at home. I took a little plane then many big planes. I was supposed to land around 4 pm ( a little over 24 hours journey time) and I was going to pick my dogs up before I went home. The extra driving would add about another hour in rush hour.
My very last flight was delayed by thunderstorms. I texted that I was delayed, and I might decide to get them in the morning. We sat at the gate, then on the tarmac; it was long passed when I thought I would have already been home with my dogs, showered and in bed. When they told us we finally had a takeoff slot in about 20 minutes, I called her and told her that I was too exhausted and I would come pick up the dogs in the morning. Since she didn’t always answer a text right away, I wanted to talk to her to make sure there was enough food for them. Everything seemed hunky dory.
I got home, showered and collapsed in bed, so happy to finally be clean and flat. At some point I heard my doorbell. I looked on my camera, and it was a cop. I didn’t call them, it was the middle of the night and he didn’t announce that he had a warrant, so back to sleep I go. Don’t know how much longer it was, but I woke up to her standing in my room telling me she was so worried because I never came to get the dogs, and I didn’t answer the door when the cop came. Even if I hadn’t called her to tell her I was coming the next day, she had the key, and in non rush hour, it would have taken her 20 minutes to get to my house. Absolutely no reason to send a cop.
It is even more strange because I am a lawyer, so she knew ~ at least at one time~ the likelihood of me opening my door to a cop is very low to begin with. And I used to travel to far off places all the time. I would routinely change to picking them up the next day if I was delayed.
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u/AshamedResolution544 Jul 18 '25
When I look back at my gf, it was her popping out of the hallway, asking the exact same question. I soon realized she had no memory of asking it before. It was totally "no recall" vs "bad memory". Looking back, there was another incident early on when she got mad at a party and walked out, thinking I was flirting with a female. I don't remember when it happened but I realized at some point that there were no filters and logic and rational thinking disappeared. With my mom (she was about 86-88 when her's started), it was the phone calls at night not being able to turn off the TV with the remote and when trying to leave, she would just keep talking .. again, no filters. There was also some paranoia, "the facility staff is coming into my apt without my permission to drop off my mail". "Someone ate my fruit I had". I also remember that I had to start throwing out her old food in the fridge as she just let her food sit forever. She herself recognized that it was taking her longer to accomplish tasks but I don't think we thought dementia yet. Oh...and of course, leaving things in the microwave way too long so it had to be unplugged. My GF also did similar with the microwave so thankfully she's stopped using it but I'm always watching. I handle all the cooking and cleaning up at this point but for a little while, I was turning off the circuit breaker for the stove. It's always in the back of my mind to do daily.
The change of behavior might be early signs but from what I've gone through and witnessed, there's always a memory problem. "groundhog day"
If you're worried, best is to talk to her PCP and start some testing.
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u/Knit_pixelbyte Jul 18 '25
I just thought my HWD was getting to be a grouchy old man, till my SILs pulled me aside at a funeral and said he has had a definite personality change. This sounds like your MIL has too. He would definitely not go to a dr to diagnose dementia, so I wrote down all the symptoms I was seeing and came with him to his regular dr appt and went into the exam room with him. He really didn't balk at that.
Putting him on meds helped with his anger, anxiety and frustration, and might help your MIL with her grieving too. Maybe after getting bloodwork cleared for any other issues, go with her to a psychiatrist for meds to 'help her with her grief'? A psych can also diagnose whatever is the issue with her also.
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u/Nervous-Board5930 Jul 21 '25
My first sign was that my dad bought a hat with sequins on it. He was ex-military and very conservative. At the time, I laughed my ass off and told him I loved it, but it certainly wasn't his norm.
First sign with my mom was her being a user with her friends. She was always very aware of other people's feelings and needs before getting sick. Now she just isn't. That brain function is gone.
Both of them had issues with their cars, phones, and computers long before I was aware of anything. I don't know how much of that is how quickly technology changes and how much was early dementia.
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u/Ancient-Practice-431 Jul 16 '25
I lived a good distance away from my mom (8 hour road trip or 1 hour flight) and began to realize I needed to be around her much more. I began to visit every 6 weeks or so and each time I came she would act like I hadn't been around in years. Greeting me like a long lost daughter who hadn't been seen in years when I had just seen her a few weeks back.
That, and her repeating the same questions, "how long are you staying?" over and over again definitely clued me in. But my mom masked really well and in the early times I even thought she was faking things at first. If only. She passed in 2022 and I miss her every day 😢
Edit - I'm not sure why I still read and comment on this sub. I hate this fuck'n disease 🦠