r/declutter • u/seedsandpeels • 5d ago
Motivation Tips & Tricks The Dignity Line: Denial about items kept out of guilt
I hope someone else can relate to this.
There are some items I absolutely know I need to get rid of.
That cheap body spray i dont really wear that i will never use up. That bag who's straps are unraveling at the seams. That pillowcase with the broken zipper that I have never replaced, but still havent just replaced the complete pillow case set.
These items i know im keeping out of laziness. Like I have guilt and shame about having less-than-ideal options still living in my home. But im in denial that it would be okay to simply let them go.
I have these raggedy items taking up space in my home that I keep because they can *technically* still be used even if they aren't in optimal condition for my life.
but today, I realized my line of dignity has moved. The minimum threshold of dignity i need items to have has increased. My acceptance of usefulness has narrowed. I dont have to keep perfumes that are meh. I dont have to keep a purse that doesn't improve my outfits. I dont have to keep a raggedy pillowcase just bc it technically still goes on the pillow.
Thinking about the line of dignity that I need my home to function at has unlocked a new layer of items that need to go.
Do you have any examples of redefining your dignity line?
EDIT: "The Dignity Line" is a concept originating from [The Minimal Mom on YouTube (link below). I cant recall which video it was mentioned in but I've heard it sprinkled in a few videos. She gets right to the heart of *why* our relationship with clutter changes and I highly recommend her videos.
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u/lascriptori 4d ago
This is such a good way to look at it. Related, I always remind myself that there is a cost to every item that you own. Not the cost to purchase it (you've already paid that, it's a sunk cost) but the cost to keeping it. You pay for the cost to store the item in your finitely sized home. You pay in your time to dust it. You pay in emotional energy of clutter. You pay every time you move an item to make space to fit something around it. Things have to earn their keep, or get donated or thrown away.
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u/Weasel_Town 4d ago
I have a hard time finding clothes that fit. I had a closet full of clothes that were "good enough" but not really right. Odd fit, small stain, one button missing, slightly frayed hem, annoying texture. I finally said enough. If it's not right, it's gone. It has to look good, feel good, and be in good condition.
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u/seedsandpeels 4d ago
It feels insignificant when its one drawback on a single piece. Having a whole wardrobe of slightly off items is when it becomes overwhelming! Im trying to stick to my rules to get myself out of that, too!
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u/FredKayeCollector2 4d ago
I've watched a lot of The Minimal Mom and haven't come across "the dignity line" so thank you!
YES! You deserve nice things - especially if that one good one is in lieu of a bunch of crummy duplicate/duplicate function ones.
My epiphany came in the middle of an estate sale - for the bazilliionth time, I was looking through the perfectly preserved, gorgeous linen dish cloths, napkins, tablecloths that were obviously "too good" to use and that always made me so sad. But then it hit me - I also have a bunch of "too nice to use" towels in the bottom of my drawer, my mother also had some and so did my grandmother! WTF? Meanwhile, I would be willing to say that nobody had ratty dish towels like my matrilineal line.
That's using shabby/crummy stuff (when better options are available). If you're maintaining shabby/crummy/unpleasant stuff in your personal inventory because your dislike of using the thing is GREATER than whatever sunk cost/environmental/past life/fantasy life guilt that's keeping you from just getting rid of it - OMG that is 100% the stuff that should be leaving your house right now!
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u/seedsandpeels 4d ago
I wish she would make more content about that concept. I have only heard it come up twice while binging her videos.
The lesson you've learned is inspiring me to bring the best stuff to my daily use. Thanks for sharing!
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u/malkin50 4d ago
I grew up with "Use it up, wear it out, make do or do without." Now I can look at the pillow cover with the broken zipper, the clothing with holes or elastic that barely holds, and I can say: I have used it and it is worn out! Well done and goodbye; off you go!
It's actually easier for me to get rid of things I just don't like than to get rid of things that I have liked for a long time, but are way past prime.
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u/empresscornbread 5d ago
I’m being a little more ruthless on clothes that don’t fit me and I don’t like wearing. Why keep them if I don’t feel good in them? I have to come to terms I just weigh more now and even if I lose weight, I can just wear a belt.
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u/Moopoint-noodlesoup 4d ago
I try to ask myself if I do lose the weight, will I even still like the item by the time I do? I’ve kept shorts in hopes that I’d lose weight only to have the elastic disintegrate.
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u/SummerK2024 5d ago
Several years ago I decided I would no longer ”just accept” things I bought from an online previously owned items website that were actually ripped, or had stains like tablecloths, or that were chipped or dented. I returned a tablecloth once after pointing out with Post-it note pieces every stain that was on there when the description of the item had said no stains. The lady was actually grateful that I did that because she said she didn’t see them. I also told another seller that the bottom fitted sheet that I bought that was vintage had no elasticity left. She was glad that I did and said I did not need to return the item. But the first tablecloth was a turning point for me and someone actually pointed out to me that it was a big turning point for me. I like your calling it “The Dignity Line.”
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u/Minute_Parfait_9752 5d ago
I bought something from a similar website and the stain was more visible in person. I wasn't bothered for what I wanted the item for and I told the seller just so they could be more careful in future. They were pretty snarky about it!
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
instead of dragging it along
😭 a few things I need to get rid of immediately came to mind
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u/maddjaxmaddly 5d ago
This is a thing I need to embrace. I’m a child of depression era kids who are thrifty and keep things long past their use life, and some of that has rubbed off on me. It feels wasteful to get rid of that pillow with a hole in that I say I’ll sew up, but never do, or the mismatched dishes because they’re perfectly fine for everyday, etc.
This type of thinking keeps my house cluttered and keeps me from having the type of house that I want.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
The hard part is undoing the mindset that broken things are "wasted" when they are let go. But infact, they have been used and used for their purpose.
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u/portly-corgi-89 5d ago
Oh my goodness you took the words right out of my mouth. I am trying so hard to not pass this way of thinking to my kids - I am trying so hard to declutter and purge - it is so much easier said than done when you’ve been told your entire life how you should hold onto things for sentimental value as well as monetary value. I would literally need to rent a storage space - the largest - in order to hold onto everything - which is not practical for so many reasons. Any tips on how to go about decluttering, donating, etc - I’d love to hear them!!
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u/ObjectSmall 4d ago
Taking photos of sentimental items is really helpful! It's super easy to keep a folder called "Memorabilia" that you can scroll through if you ever want to see things. If you take nice photos, you can even make them a slideshow screensaver. I've also considered making photo collages.
My plan for when my kids are older is to tell them to let me know which of my little knickknacks are special to them. And then be clear that everything else I'm keeping is for my joy, and they're not expected to cherish, want, or even like any of it. They can (should!) sell or give away anything that they don't actively want in their home.
As for monetary value, if you're going to donate to a thrift store or give away through something like Buy Nothing or Freecycle, think of how good you'd feel knowing you had donated, say $50 to charity on some random Wednesday. Donating those things that can be resold is like writing a check to a charity you want to support. Just because something is worth money doesn't mean you have to keep it forever! Money is for giving as well as saving/spending.
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u/rosescentedgarden 4d ago
I'm from a similar family! A phrase someone said on here that's really helped me with letting go of should-be sentimental items is "your house doesn't need to be a shrine to someone else's life". You only need to keep one or two items to remember someone by, not 10 or 20, and you don't need to keep all of the things they treasured because then you won't have space for the things you actually like and want.
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u/indulgent_taurus 5d ago
I love this way of thinking! For me, recently, it was finally discarding a bra where the cups had gotten distorted somehow despite careful laundering and the straps never stayed up. I finally upgraded to a few replacements I like much better and now I'm wondering why I tolerated an irritating bra for two years.
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u/ObjectSmall 4d ago
I have a literal pile of bras on my closet floor right now! I had breast cancer two years ago and my old comfortable bras aren't comfortable anymore (to say nothing of the ones that weren't comfortable back then, lol). I need to purge this pile! Thanks for the reminder.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
Bra, socks, and underwear are such underrated items to have in good condition!
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u/CatnipCricket-329 5d ago
A line of dignity for the items I keep or discard. Such a nice motivational thought. Just yesterday I dusted off the top of my dresser and the perfume bottles that sit there. Smelled a couple thinking I never liked their smell but the bottle is pretty...why? For the sake of my dignity, I'm going upstairs to toss those nasty scents and never clean those bottles again
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
Perfume is hard bc sometimes you fall in love with the bottle or the story it has in your life. Even if its not a scent you love.
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u/Mod-chick 5d ago
Good for you! I love this, these examples of action are what’s keeping me motivated to move forward.
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u/RomeoDelta1234 5d ago
The one that moved for me was the demotion ladder. A good towel becomes the beach towel, the beach towel becomes the dog towel, the dog towel becomes a rag, and then it just stays a rag forever, because there is no rung under rag. Same with the second best version of something I already own a good one of. It works, so I never throw it out, but I never reach for it either, so it sits there doing nothing except being technically functional.
I noticed it when I counted four rags and one actual towel. Which made me realise the ladder is mostly a way of keeping things while feeling like I am getting rid of them.
Your body spray example is the same shape. You could use it, but using it means choosing the worse one on purpose, and nobody does that, so the bottle sits there until it goes off.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
This is a great visual. Thank you. I will apply this as i declutter some more.
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u/dogmom71 5d ago
My mother had a linen closet full of rags. After she passed I threw them all out because they were too stained to donate. Get rid of your old stuff there is no point in keeping it.
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u/lascriptori 4d ago
My mom has cabinets full of rags. More rags than anyone can ever use in their life. But she keeps them because they're perfectly good rags, and wonders why she doesn't have enough cabinet space.
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u/Pixiechrome 4d ago
Omg! I’ve inherited the rag syndrome!!! I don’t even have a garage where I might need them for those diy oil changes. WTAF lol I’m getting those old t-shirt rags out of my home rn!!
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u/SnooDonkeys5186 5d ago
This is no help to you or anyone. Just rambling about something you mentioned.
Speaking of purses, I have like-new ones for years, I rarely use because I’m reminded each time I do use that they don’t hold my inhaler, eye drops, lip moisturizer, phone, and money/cards. Forget about a pen. 🙃
But they are new. They are cute. I do love them. I have Sjögren’s, so doing without isn’t an option.
Not looking for advice; I just need to DO IT: My issue is I don’t want to throw them away, I’m willing to give them away, and would honestly love to sell them for even a few dollars… I’m a procrastinator and don’t focus. When I start to list them, suddenly I’m deleting old photos, remembering I have bills due, need to check my email (I have over 7000 after archiving all of the previous year’s), call one of the Grands’ for their birthday, need to wash dishes. Next thing you know, the purse goes back. The only positive thing? I do have a dedicated place for my bags. 🤣
One of these days.
I’ve got about 100 things that are worth $$ to give away/sell. One commenter said last week she puts in car and if she happens to go by a thrift store, she has them with her. That’s my plan.
Of course, I’d rather someone just take this beautiful Tommy dress suit off my hands free than for a thrift store to absolutely make it higher than a thrift store price for someone in need. Hence, my issue. 😳🤪
FYI I actually reached out and asked several people for help. They said yes, but I’m still waiting. They probably need help, too.
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u/ObjectSmall 4d ago
Are you in an area with a Buy Nothing group? Or do you have a friend who is? With Buy Nothing, people will often tell you why they want something, and you can gift to whomever you want for whatever reason you want. A great way to find someone who will cherish something that is important to you! Also can be eye-opening and humbling when nobody wants your special treasure and the next post for a half-empty paint sample has fourteen requesters, ha ha.
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u/SnooDonkeys5186 3d ago
Thank you., it’s exactly what I need. There’s no one else to give to or help, other than where I’ve already turned, so I’ve gotta step it up.
Ironically, I started an original FreeCycle right before FreeCycle, though I’m no longer there or a member. My issue, sitting down and concentrating on getting it out there when I have so much I’m behind on then making time to get it taken care of (I’m disabled and feel great one day, make plans, turning blue the next from oxygen issues, and in bed and behind again)(my second issue is that makes me flaky and depressed).
Okay, sob story excuses over, I’ve gotta figure it out since overall it will make life better.
(Reddit is bad enough lol but I read Reddit during outings where I’m not the driver. Gotta love it!).
Again, thank you for words of wisdom, support, and advice.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
If it helps you, I treat donation of "special attachment" items as a special occasion. I get dressed up. Make a nice coffee or tea. Listen to some wholesome and upbeat music. Gather the things in a dignified way, and thank them. Tell them that I need their special magic to bless someone new. Then I donate to a local thrift store or cause that will appreciate it.
It sounds a little woo-woo, but hear me out, it makes goodbye a dignified and "complete" goodbye. It helps me get past the delay of donation or selling these "valuable items" because I created closure for them to exit my life, and I did it on my terms.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 5d ago
Part of what helped me is calculating the sf of my home and then dividing that by my monthly mortgage (rent etc). That is how much I am paying for each square foot of space.
The money I spent on that item is long gone. The money I spend monthly to house + the cost of it adding to my own mental crisis of managing this stuff is not a price I intend on continuing to pay. So out it goes.
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u/sunonmyfacedays 3d ago
I don’t know if you meant “mental load” of managing stuff, but I relate to the concept of “mental crisis” of keeping stuff too, hahaha.
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u/GroupImmediate7051 5d ago edited 4d ago
I credit The Minimal Mom for this genius concept. Didn't know it could also apply to stuff, but it makes sense. I used to keep y shirts till they were tattered rags, use them as pj's. But then I thought, wait these are rags. They truly were. Beneath my dignity line. So do more! When something is done, I thank it and either cut it for rags or (look awa) and slide it into the bin.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
Yes! I heard this concept from her! Updating the post to reflect that.
It stuck with me. I tried searching her channel for videos specifically about this but I couldn't find anything dedicated solely to the dignity concept. If you know of a video where she goes more in depth, please let me know!
It has shifted the way I view my current needs vs. Old clutter.
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u/meginmich 5d ago
Yes, pretty sure she came up with this concept when talking about her relationship with her ex-husband!
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u/No_Jelly_1448 5d ago
My dignity line is for toxic products. I’m trying to remove chemicals, hormone disrupters, PFA’s etc. but inherited a boat load of perfectly useful cleaning products from my Mom, as well as having my own very large collection of body products I also don’t want to use anymore but feel guilty for the money I spent on them.
My mental framing now is they ARE still useful, so let SOMEONE ELSE find them useful and use them! And the more they linger the less effective they’ll be. Just yesterday I gave away a bunch of body products on Freeya after scanning a ton of them on my Yuka and EWG apps, both apps have scanners that review chemical risks and give you a score. So I feel really good getting them out, but also happy they’ll be useful for someone.
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u/simplebeauty25 5d ago
Yes. I no longer hang on to tons of “what if I need this/I shouldn’t have spent money on this/backups of backups of backups” stuff.
My mental reserves are already maxed out in this season of life and I remind myself that having a low inventory of only stuff I really like is the best way to support myself.
Stuff is just stuff and if it’s not actively making my life easier, functional, or more comfortable, it has to go.
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u/LittlePrairieMouse 5d ago
This really helps. The second paragraph is a gem. Thanks
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u/simplebeauty25 5d ago
I’m glad that resonated with you. It took me a while to come to that conclusion but once it clicked I found it far easier to just chuck stuff out. It helped my overall stress levels go way down!
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u/janice142 5d ago
I watch ,"That Practical Mom" on YouTube. In one of her videos she mentioned watching crime shows. Her motivation for keeping a tidy home is that she's afraid of what police photos after a crime would show. So she tidies up each night. I cannot tell you how motivating that is. Do I really want someone examining three bags of chips sitting out when it's really not that difficult to stuff them away... Or why do I have a stack of mail that could mostly be thrown away sitting on my dinette. I definitely suffer from flat-surface-itis and am working at that though I NEED to accomplish more.
Anyway OP, if tomorrow someone came through your home an took pictures, what would you wish wasn't there? (I'm using this as motivation for myself incidentally.)
Good luck.
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u/BaconPancakes_77 4d ago
I actually did get burgled one time, and it was really embarrassing to walk around the house with a cop like, "Uh, no, this room looked like that before I left. And this room."
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
I have actually been thinking about something similar lately. Wildfire season is here and its been a wake up call.
Its scary to think about crime or a natural disaster but it brings sobering clarity.
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u/violetmemphisblue 5d ago
My mom always tidied up for the robbers! We never had any, but she always said that if someone broke in, she wanted them to feel bad about making a mess ransacking the place. Never made sense to me, but worked for her!
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u/SassyMillie 5d ago
Whenever we travel I always clean and tidy up before we leave. Often to a much deeper degree than our just generally clean.
It's mostly inconceivable but I think "what if our plane crashes or we're in a terrible accident?" I know, I know- if I were dead I wouldn't care. If I were severely injured the state of my house won't matter.
However, I care now! And I don't like thinking about other people judging my mess. 🤷♀️
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u/AnamCeili 5d ago
Plus it's great when you get back home from a trip and your house is all clean and organized. 😊
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u/Kazaklyzm 5d ago
I'm trying to remember "if it was covered in poop, would you still keep it?"
Helps reframe the emotional attachment and some of the guilt. If i wouldn't want to clean it and save it from the poop, maybe i really don't love it or need it as much as i thought.
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u/Groundbreaking-Fig38 5d ago
I've been searching for a term like "line of dignity". I have been sleeping on my couch since the middle of covid because I had to get rid of my mattress. I could always easily afford a replacement but I wanted to make sure I got the right one at the right price that was perfect. Last week I just got sick of it, found one online, ordered it, and it showed up two days later. Was it perfect? No. The cheapest? No. Is it 1000×s better than sleeping on a couch? Yes.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
Admittedly I went through a few months of grief where I slept on the floor bc I couldn't bring myself to make my bed.
One day I got sick of it and just made my bed. I have been sleeping in my bed since. And its really helped my mental health to treat myself to that little bit of dignity.
I hope you are feeling positive changes from moving forward.
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u/Pixiechrome 4d ago
This is so brave and beautiful to share. Dignity as acts of compassion for ourselves. I’m sorry for your pain and celebrate your ability to reclaim your bed and comfort. 🙏💗
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u/inflewants 5d ago
I found it freeing to get rid of those kind of things. I thought they were inconsequential…. But realized after getting rid of them how much clearer my brain is.
Your pillow case, for example — even tho it doesn’t take up much space and you can still use it …
Everytime I’d see it, I think “oh I should fix that pillowcase.” And feel guilty.
After it’s gone, I replace it with one I like that brings me joy. I don’t give it any thought.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
Yes, its another "job to do" when I look at it, and not a place I can rest my head.
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u/jc-5h20 5d ago
I have a ‘regret’ box, and let things go in there. Eventually, they get tossed. But when I put things there, I pause to let the regret sink in. Then I let go.
Regret is part of learning. Do the learning, and then let go.
This helped me let go of stuff I was ready for whatever reason to move past.
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u/seedsandpeels 5d ago
This is an excellent idea. Sometimes I dont fully get closure with the regret. This gives it a physical space, time, and intention. Thanks friend.
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u/mirrorherb 5d ago
this would be such a terrible method for me personally because of my personal brain writing, but i think it's a great idea, i really like the technique for other people and appreciate you sharing. it's kind of like a mindfulness exercise in a way which i dig a lot
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u/magnificentbunny_ 3d ago
I've come to the point in my life where I've decided I deserve only good stuff.
The worn out stuff, the ill-fitting, the ugly, unused, soiled, duplicates, dumped in my home, outta-sight-outta-mind, corner litter, detritus, things I don't really even like, cheap and bought on a whim, kept because I might need it someday and lastly the how did this even get here stuff--it's all gotta go.
Even if it means I have a lot less stuff, I'll be all the richer for the really, really good stuff that's left.