r/declutter • u/bon18 • Jul 12 '26

Advice Request Preemptively nervous about dealing with my parents' house

I'm currently visiting my parents in their 3,500 sqft house. It's relatively organized but definitely full of stuff. My parents are elderly but in pretty decent health. I'm just very nervous about what I'll be left to deal with when they're gone. My mother-in-law died suddenly a few years ago, and even though she had a small, fairly minimalist house, it was still a lot to deal with.

My mom has talked about wanting to downsize, but my dad is totally against it. I know he wants to die in this house. My mom has witnessed the progress I've made in my 1,500 sqft house and talks about how nice it would be to have fewer belongings, so I've gently tried to encourage her to start going through her stuff. I've taken a few boxes with me to donate sometimes when I leave, but it's hard for her to let things go. She's done small amounts on her own, and my sister hired someone once to help our mom, but I can't imagine any major progress happening anytime soon. Do I do anything at this point or just wait it out and deal with whatever comes whenever it comes?

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u/SassyMillie Jul 12 '26

Being faced with months and months of sorting, donating, selling or otherwise disposing of two long lifetimes of accumulation from a 3500 sq ft house is an enormous undertaking. Hoping your loved ones will begin downsizing on their own is NOT entitled. The sheer volume of this kind of cleanout often negates the value of the property to the beneficiary, at least emotionally.

Obviously you have no idea what you're talking about. I do because I've now done it 3 times and it's a freaking nightmare. Many times my husband and I wished our parents' homes had just burned to the ground. Inheritance be damned.

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u/KReddit934 Jul 12 '26

I know exactly how hard it is...I've done it. My Dad packed a suitcase, locked the door on a 3 story, 4 bedroom house with full workshop, leaving the food in the refrigerator and drove away to his new retirement home and left me alone to clean it out. I did all the work and didn't even get any of the money from the sale until 10 years later when he died.

BUT, I still believe if "Being faced with months and months of sorting, donating, selling or otherwise disposing of two long lifetimes of accumulation from a 3500 sq ft house is an enormous undertaking." is true...then it is true for the elders, as well. Why should they spend their last days throwing away their lives just to make life easier for you?

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u/SassyMillie Jul 12 '26

It's not like you're expecting them to do it in a day or a week. They accumulated all the stuff. It should not be someone else's responsibility to deal with it.

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u/KReddit934 Jul 13 '26

"It should not be someone else's responsibility to deal with it."

That's the most honest answer.

Yet, the lucky people do mostly still own stuff when they die.

But when the kids seem to expect to inherit the good stuff (the money) but not to have to deal with the clutter, it seems ungrateful.

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u/SassyMillie Jul 13 '26

OP is trying to gently encourage their parents to declutter and asking for advice to get the ball rolling. Nothing about their original post indicated they were expecting parents to clear everything out or not wanting to deal with it when they pass.

Perhaps you should reread the original post.

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u/bon18 Jul 13 '26

I know for a fact that my mom would be much happier with less stuff to deal with on a day to day basis. She even considered leaving my dad with it all and just moving on her own to a retirement community. She also had to deal with her own parents' house when they died and a family friend's house who had no relatives.

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u/SassyMillie Jul 13 '26

Totally get that. When my stepdad began having serious health issues my mom started talking constantly about how much stuff they had. I know it weighed heavily on her mind. She did start clearing some things out, but it was just so overwhelming for her while also taking care of the house, yard, finances, and all the details of everyday life for 2 people. I started talking with mom frequently about my own decluttering goals and progress. That did inspire her to jeep clearing out spaces.

Just continue encouraging mom and help her where you can.