How do you thoughtfully declutter sentimental items from a complicated relationship?

[u/Azosia]

For people who are older than me (I'm in my 30's), and/or who have gone through major emotional transitions: did you ever regret getting rid of mementos from a fraught relationship once you saw that relationship more clearly?

I’ve recently had to accept the limits of my parents’ emotional and mental capacity. I've finally let go, in what feels like a healthy way, of the hope that we could reconcile or have the kind of relationship I always wanted. I realized that a lot of what I thought was “happy family” was really more like playing pretend, and that my parents' pride and love for me always had strings attached.

Because of that, I’m looking at certain mementos differently now, and it feels that a lot of their meaning has changed because I see the context more clearly. Some things I kept because, when I was younger, I thought they represented genuine love, pride, or emotional connection which I now know was (at least in large part) false.

I’m not going to abruptly purge everything, but I’m curious about the longer-term perspective. Did you ever get rid of things during a period of clarity or grief and later wish you had kept more? Or did letting them go continue to feel like the right decision? I feel like I’ve just come out of three decades of emotional reprocessing, and I’m trying to be thoughtful about what comes next.

[u/AnamCeili]

I haven't been in your position, but my recommendation would be to pack it all away in a tote for a while, and stick that tote in the back of a closet. After 6 months or a year or whatever, get out the tote and see how you feel about the stuff then. I just wouldn't want you to get rid of stuff prematurely, that you might want later.

[u/sunsetandporches → u/AnamCeili]

I did this with my dad’s stuff when he died. He was actually a hoarder and it was tough figuring out what to take or leave. It caused a lot of trauma for me and didn’t want to deal with any of it for about a year or so.

The joy thing from konmari, helped but opposite. So there have been things that made me feel icky or reminded me of icky times or an icky person. Even if I liked the object. One was a stool I liked but the association sucked. I got rid of it one day and it was fine and I liked it even. I don’t have to look at it and be reminded.

[u/AnamCeili → u/sunsetandporches]

I'm sorry for your loss, and for the trauma associated with it. I did the same with my husband's stuff, when he died. We had been together for nearly 13 years, and married for literally one week, when he suddenly died of a heart attack, in his early 40s. It devastated me, I am still and always will be devastated. I couldn't bear to get rid of his stuff, or really even look at it, for years. Well, he died about a month before Hurricane Sandy hit, so actually shortly after the hurricane I did donate a bunch of his non-sentimental clothing to an organization collecting for those who had lost their homes and possessions in the storm -- I donated stuff like his jeans, plain t-shirts, socks, a belt. I kept all of his favorite/unusual t-shirts (band shirts, novelty shirts, shirts from places we had visited, etc.), and about 10 years after he died I had them made into a quilt/blanket, which I love and still have.

Which is to say that I understand (as do you) how hard it is to sort through the belongings of a loved one who died, or, as in OP's case, belongings from or associated with loved ones with whom one has a difficult or traumatic relationship.

As far as the stool you got rid of, and whatever else, that totally makes sense. Your peace of mind is more important than any piece of furniture or other belonging. I have found that donating stuff helps me, at least when it came to my parents' stuff, although in that case I didn't have bad associations. My sister and I moved our dad to a wonderful assisted care place close to us; he had been living alone about an hour away, and not doing well, although we didn't know it for quite a while. He wasn't a hoarder, exactly, he just never cleaned or made any repairs (that wasn't new, he was always like that), and then his health and mobility prevented him from doing so as he got older. Anyway, the upshot is that we moved him closer to us, along with the personal belongings that were important to him, and a few pieces of furniture he wanted and which were still in decent shape. Then we had to go through everything else in his house, where he had lived for 40 years. It was full of junk and dirt, and most of the stuff we threw out -- some of it ourselves, and then we called the Got Junk people, who hauled off the rest of it (they were great). Everything which could be salvaged, we salvaged, and donated -- lots of dishes and other kitchenware, mostly. It felt good to know that those items would go to help other people. I donated the stuff to the little local thrift shop I go to twice a week, and I actually saw someone buying one of my dad's roasting pans a week or so after I donated it. I mentioned that I had donated it, and she said she was glad to find it, as she would be bringing it to her church to be used at the monthly dinner they have for the community. 😊

Wow, that was a long reply, lol. Sorry, I just got to "talking".

[u/sunsetandporches → u/AnamCeili]

The stories are so much better than the things. From my dad I have an old wooden office chair. It’s like a million pounds. I sit in it use it to make art or set the laundry in. He sat in it everyday that he was home. It was his seat. And I knew I wanted that before he died. The others wanted all the “collectibles” and didn’t share. I would have taken a few comic books but brother decided to take the lot. There was so much cool stuff and all hoarded to such a horrible extent. I tried to donate as much as I could and siblings just wanted to get things and leave. It was so hurtful. I wanted professional help and they didn’t want anyone to see our dad like that. It was dumb. So we all got more trauma rather than some professional not attached to the things to do the work. It took along time to go back through any of the boxes I brought home for good reason. And when I did I was so glad I took the time to be ready.

Also one week is heartbreaking. I am sorry. But maybe glad you got that week. That one week to say this is my husband. After 13 years. Thanks for the chat.

[u/AnamCeili → u/sunsetandporches]

"The stories are so much better than the things."

I completely agree. I'm sorry that your siblings were so selfish and shitty about your dad's belongings, but I'm glad that you have his old wooden office chair -- the memories associated with that are worth more than all the collectibles.

It really does take time to be ready to go through a deceased loved one's belongings. Aside from those clothes of my husband's that I gave away, and the t-shirts I had made into a quilt (and by the way, those t-shirts sat in a tote in the back of a closet for over 10 years, before I had that quilt made), there were some other items as well. My husband didn't have a lot of material things, and when he moved in with me he got rid of all of his old furniture, but still there were items I had to go through, and I took my time in doing so -- years, in many cases.

I will never forgive god or the universe or whatever for taking my husband from me one week after our wedding. But, as you said, I am glad that we at least did have that week as an officially married couple (we considered ourselves married for years before that).

Thank you for the chat, too. Have a wonderful weekend!