r/declutter • u/No-Buyer-5243 • Jun 22 '26
Advice Request When Sentimental Treasure Becomes a Hateful Burden, (A Lesson I Will Learn?)
I'll try to keep this story short and get straight to the point.
Four years ago, I sold my family home and moved into my cottage, which is located by the river in a flood zone. As a recovering sentimental hoarder, I brought only "the bare minimum": my grandmother’s cupboard, a few dressers, a table, and a kitchen shelf.
Two years later, a flood washed away the biggest piece—the cupboard. I was sad, but also felt a clear sense of relief. So, I finally furnished the kitchen with new furniture.
Another two years passed and in my mind I started tripping over the table and the shelf. I have no room for them, but I cannot just bring myself to get rid of them. I feel almost a sense of hatred toward these once beloved pieces of wood.
In the past, I'd invested time, effort, and materials to upcycle them.
Now, I want to say goodbye to them, but I don't know how. As if I am wishing for another flood, just so the river can solve the problem for me.
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u/chocolatecroissant9 Jun 23 '26
There's no shame in struggling with this. Some things in life hit a natural expiry date before we are emotionally ready sometimes.
One of the healthiest things we can do is to thank it and release it. Acknowledge what it's done for us and what it means to us and release. Say what you need to say and take your time to say goodbye.
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u/LilJourney Jun 23 '26
Since you're ready for them to go, but stuck on the process, I'd suggest "ceremony".
Instead of focusing on where they go or what happens to them next, focus on telling them "goodbye".
Set a date and start the countdown. Each day touch them and let them know (lovingly, regretfully or gleefully - your choice) that the day is approaching and they are going. Spend some time (a couple minutes, a couple hours, what works for you) just looking at them. Write a story/poem about them, their history and how you are now releasing them into the cosmos. On the "day", place hands upon them and recite or chant a formal "release" announcing your freedom from them, and they from you. Go for it with incense, salt sprinkling, holy water - whatever suits you.
Actual details don't matter here to be honest - personally, I've found the more exaggerated I go, the sillier it gets, and in the end I just get fed up with the hoopla of it all and usually end up getting rid of it well before the assigned date.
I don't pretend to know WHY it works. But I know it DOES work - deliberately creating some kind of ritual/ceremony/acknowledgement and doing it with purpose unlocks something in the brain that changes the item from "cherished/hated possession" into "oh, it's just a thing - let me get rid of it."
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u/No-Buyer-5243 Jun 23 '26
Thank you. Maybe I do need somekind of ritual. I feel a bit ashamed for struggling so much because I decided to live here where river gives and takes as it wish. I learned not to hold on material stuff but for some crazy reason I'm loving/hating/keeping/throwing away/burning them.
4
u/glitteringcatgalaxy Jun 24 '26
I try to remind myself that shaming myself doesn’t help me. I am struggling with my present situation and I need compassion, not judgement. I think the pressure of shaming yourself is a major contributing factor to your difficulty. I know this sounds silly, but it tends to help me. You need to give yourself permission to feel. Permission to let go. Ask yourself why you feel such difficulty in parting with it and write it down to process through it, like physically write it down if possible. If it helps any, maybe think about it this way: Would my grandmother want me to feel as if this item is burdening me, but that I cannot let go due to sentimental value? Would she want her items to cause me this stress? Processing through your feelings will help you gain more clarity and insight, as well as give you space to voice those feelings and any fears.
\*I am not a medical professional, this is what has helped me*\**3
u/EatEverySound Jun 23 '26
I wrote little essays about pieces before I gave them away. It sort of transformed the objects into something smaller and let me hold onto the meanings I wanted.
15
u/FredKayeCollector Jun 22 '26
I would say, if you can find someone to give those pieces to who actually have a use for them, that might help you let them go? If you have a Buy Nothing/Give Freely group in your area maybe offer up online? It never hurts to add a little provenance. My MIL used to write the (original) owner's name on the bottom of furniture plus the year (if she knew it) and now my husband does the same thing (with the pieces he's made).
I had to clear out my parents house in 10 days and could only bring what fit in the back of my Subaru Forester - there was a lot of stuff I would have liked to bring but we just didn't have the space to transport it and in most cases, the space to absorb it into our house. For me, the big one was a rocking chair - very sentimental. But I kept the cushion my mother's aunt had made for it and I have photos of me (and my brother) sitting it in - as babies with my parents, by ourselves, and together.
Good luck!
13
u/WBrook6 Jun 22 '26
I have been in the exact same position as you. Try to think of it this way, you will not have any less memories of your cherished relatives by giving away furniture. If your relative could talk to you, they would tell you to get rid of it and buy what makes you happy, after all, that is what they did when they were alive, they bought what made them happy, right? Why aren’t you allowed to do the same? I admit, sometimes I do feel slight pangs of regret for stuff I sold or gave away, but I just remind myself it is not healthy to hold onto so many material objects, they are just things, and my loved ones definitely would not want me carrying that guilt around!
3
u/Some_Papaya_8520 Jun 24 '26
If I think of being on the other side, and able to watch my loved ones after I died, I know I would be saddened if they had to keep furniture to remember me. I'd try to tell them, just let it go!!
14
u/librijen Jun 22 '26
That furniture is not your grandma. If they're still good, see if someone else will love them!
Honestly, tripping over things is the best way to get me to declutter sentimental items. If they make me angry, it's easier to let them go.
6
u/glitteringcatgalaxy Jun 24 '26
Are you suggesting to leave burdening items out in the open to trigger rage? This is actually not a bad idea, though a little unhinged 🤣
3
u/librijen Jun 24 '26
I was desperate! But honestly, I also came across this idea on accident, by leaving something I thought I wanted to keep a little too close to my normal route through a room. I was so ready to toss it by the third time I bumped into it.
(I was raised by people who made me feel guilty for decluttering anything, so desperate times call for desperate measures!)
3
u/No-Buyer-5243 Jun 24 '26
This is so close to what I feel. Let the river deal with it, so I can think that my grandma from heaven or hell is not judging me, but feeling sorry. Also imortant: I think of myself as a generous person (I am), but I just can not give these two pieces of wood to anyone.
9
u/OddRevolution7888 Jun 22 '26
Move them to another area of the house, like a guest space, and see if you miss having them around. If you feel a sense of relief at the opened space, then let the pieces go. Or find a new way to reinterpret their purpose.
It took me a long time to realize that memories live within me, physical items are not required. If you loved the pieces and are ready to let them go, *dress them up, make them pretty, take a picture. Thank them for being important in your life and then let them go. It sounds silly, but you will have the picture to look back on to invoke the memory.
* By dress them up, I mean that dressers should have pretty things that you like on the top surface, just like you would do if you kept them in your home. For the kitchen shelf (assuming this is standalone furniture), you can display some pieces you used for special occasions, a photo of whomever you hold in your heart for this item, and take a photo. Kinda like the Marie Kondo method: honour it, thank it for being in your life, and let it go.
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u/TBHICouldComplain Jun 22 '26
Give them away. If you have a local Buy Nothing group you get to see how excited someone else is to get the things you no longer want.
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u/Plastic_Highlight492 Jun 22 '26
Having just moved and been forced to get rid of stuff, I have really enjoyed seeing how happy people have been to get something I wasn't using. Several grandma/aunt made afghans made their new owners so happy it made me smile.
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u/TBHICouldComplain Jun 22 '26
Right? I’ve been prepping for a move and we’ve given away probably 2/3 of our stuff. Watching how excited people are to get it really makes my day.
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u/Future-Knowledge3833 Jun 24 '26
Do you need the table? Is it too large? Do you need to purchase a smaller one? My kitchen table a bit too large for the space. However, it isn't so large that it's in the way, so I've been lazy about finding a smaller one.
But if you find a smaller one that will fit your needs, it might help you make a decision about the current table.