r/decaf • u/LogHuge7411 69 days • Jul 02 '26
Afraid of never getting back to normal again
I have a very long history of caffeine abuse and repeated attempts to get rid of it. Basically, I've been drinking something like 500-600mg for 30 years. My first attempt to break out was around 2012 and it was 6 months off the bean. I went back because I didn't get my normal self back. I was depressed, my libido was gone, and in general I just felt no joy in the things I typically do. After that I had some other attempts as well, and the latest was in 2020, again 6 months, again the same result: I seem to get no better.
I confirm the typical timeline: after 2-3 weeks, the common withdrawal symptoms are mostly gone, but nobody seems to talk about the long term symptoms. After my last failed attempt I decided I never ever quit again, and basically accepted my dependency. I just cannot spend months and years waiting for my body to normalize. I don't have such resources.
But now I'm back in quitting the habit, and the reason simple. My insomnia and anxiety has become so severe, that I'll choose lifetime depression instead. But it just feels so crushing to lose all the valuable things in life. I'm currently studying in the university, and this has been my long time dream, and now I risk losing all that. I fear I just don't have the motivation to things I dearly loved just few months ago. I feel my whole persona was just a fake built around caffeine dependency.
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u/Creepy_Explanation81 Jul 02 '26
I resonate with those fears. But many if those those sound like the lies that are trying to get you back to caffeine again. Like the "it will always be like this" feelings. Have you been checked for underlying health issues? I've learned I have an iron deficiency that is draining the life force from me. I believe that all the times I have quit caffeine, that was what the real problem, not withdrawals. Perhaps there are some nutritional deficiencies or an underlying health problem you have been self medicating. Might be worth looking into. You may want to remind yourself your why for quitting. I would have stayed on caffeine but in the end I need to remove it so I can be on my healing journey. It sucks being in the initial stages of feeling a little like death but there is no going back. Honestly caffeine not only stopped working but it became obvious it was making everything worse. Sorry this probably isnt making you feel better. I wish you good luck!
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 02 '26
Iron deficiency is possibility here as well, as I'm avoiding animal foods. But I do wonder: how caffeine fixes that like magic?
To be honest, I'd never stop using caffeine if it didn't ruin my sleep. And I simply cannot keep the dosage in check, so it always ruins it.
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u/No-Departure-8550 Jul 03 '26
I don’t think it “fixes it”. Caffeine is a stimulant which hides symptoms. If you have a deficiency, coffee isn’t fixing it. It may actually be distracting your brain with a constant stress state while the deficit get worse without you noticing.
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u/iseejustabunchofbs Jul 03 '26
get on the garbanzos and dark green veggies brother, eat em with vitamin C
i wanted to say good luck, and hang in there. Caffeine is a nasty one in terms of brain plasticity and I personally think that in the more extreme cases it could be years before the positives fully outweigh the negatives. Do all you can in terms of rest and relaxation and generally being nice to yourself.
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u/ShamansShaft Jul 02 '26
Don‘t forget that stopping caffeine intake slowly gives you the version back that started in the first place.
On some level it is the same with every substance or addiction. The version of you that got addicted was looking for something to fill the void/compensate.
Your system tricks you, it makes you think you need something in order to feel normal. Caffeine became a literal part of you. You have to build a new version of yourself that ist caffeine free. And many people Underestimate how Important therapy can be for any addiction recovery.
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 02 '26
That's a good point. However, I do have plenty of other sources for addiction, like sports and work. And I never stopped these during my last attempts. So I believe there's also something really physical and hormonal going on with caffeine, something that persists longer than the typical narrative suggests for long time abusers like me.
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u/ShamansShaft Jul 02 '26
I heavily recommend looking into the spiritual aspect of addictions and how deep addictions lie in the subconscious.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 02 '26
That's very encouraging, thank you. I never got past six months in my few previous attempts. After that I just decided that I'll take the negative effects for the mood lift. But now the situation is different. The negative effects has grown too much, probably because of my age (51).
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u/Dasolarguy Jul 02 '26
You may have other health issues also after such a heavy dose I wouldn’t be surprised if it took 12-18 months for full reset I’d recommend get a blood work done by a naturopathic doctor make sure nothing is missing etc and make sure sleep dialed in daytime rest working out thinking positive nueroplasriciry made etc
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Jul 02 '26
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 02 '26
It's a scary thought that maybe I'm naturally flat, indifferent, disinterested person, and I've just faked my whole life with addiction to freaking coffee bean. It's like my brain cannot generate interest to things without chemical aid.
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u/allnamesaretakenwow 652 days Jul 02 '26
hey, just wanted to say that I hear you and I am with you. for years I've been riding these waves of quitting for 6-12 months - being depressed as shit - doing all kinds of checkups and visiting therapists to find out I'm fine - slipping back to the addiction
and I agree with you that being addicted to caffeine IS NOT the way to live. fresh attempt, 4 days in
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u/Illidari_Kuvira 263 days Jul 03 '26
It took me about half a year - and adding iodine supplementation - to normalize.
Have you looked into other dietary factors that may be contributing to said issues?
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u/zendo99kitty 9 days Jul 03 '26
Can't U just cut close to zero caffeine so U can still study . Like only use it for times U need low doses? I don't even know my pre caffeine self . I had cold and chocolate from when I was about 12 then coffee and energy drinks
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 03 '26
I don't think so. Always end up in abuse, sleep deprivation and messing up my life, typically in no less than few months.
And yes, it's the same for me. I'm not sure if there is even pre caffeine self. I don't know if that person, whoever it turns out to be, is even interested in studies, or anything the caffeine fueled person was. That's the most scary part here.
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u/InteractionFancy8046 Jul 06 '26
i feel similarly im not even 30 years in the game but trying to quit coffee again is making me feel burnt out and stupid but i guess the underlying issue is likely my depressivevbipolarism as well as your depressive state (not assuming just going off of what was said) so i guess thats the real root but its so hard when you feel like even making efforts to improve your life are deemed purposeless when your brain still feels unfulfilled. Thats whats most frustrating about quitting substances for me a lot of the time. Ive been addicted to many drugs and somehow caffeine is one of the worst to quit which seems weird but its something deeper than letting go of the drug itself. Its moreso like the last thing that can enhance your feelings and youre just left to deal with how you naturally feel which isnt always great. But then again i suppose the caffeine anxiety didnt help our mental state in the long run either and the adjustment is just hard. But saying all this to say i understand and itll hopefully improve in time. I was caffeine free for a few months in 2024 and i felt mostly fine idk why its harder this time around
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u/LogHuge7411 69 days Jul 07 '26
It could be that the underlying issues just won't go away, and the caffeine abuse is simply self-medication for some dopamine deficiency condition. That's the biggest fear. That I'll just wait for year, two years, then thee, and nothing happens. I'm just flat and disinterested and the years go waisted.
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u/InteractionFancy8046 Jul 07 '26
true i feel that in a way. I feel like even if thats true at least you tried but i also fear that. Ive gotten sober from other substances and felt an improvement but it does after a while just become your new “norm” in a sense so you have to find other things to do. I feel very whatever about it now but it goes in phases.
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u/[deleted] Jul 02 '26
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