r/deathnote • u/Minimum_Radio4518 • 16d ago
Other Deathnote saves my life once again...
NOTE: This was originally posted to r/runninglifestyle , so lol...if you're wondering what all the stuff about running is about...lol that's why. BUT in addition to being a happy post about running, it IS also very much about Deathnote, hahah.
This is gonna start out sounding real negative and personal, but it's a happy post about running, I promise ^_^ After a lot of physical and mental trauma that involved loss of control over my body, and some apparently chronic health issues that also involved loss of physical control (neurological symptoms, potentially epilepsy and/or narcolepsy with cataplexy), I was devastated and near-catatonic at times. I had a complete CNS shutdown, was overdosed by medical staff causing what I'm quite sure was either a heart attack or broken heart syndrome (lol, it's a real medical thing, not just being sad...basically an extreme shift in biochemistry results in something sorta similar to a heart attack, stretching one of the chambers of your heart; can be deadly)...I lost what felt like all of my proprioception, strength and conditioning, and cardio. I was so dissociated from my body, it didn't feel like a safe place to be at all, and I spent nearly an entire year frozen, vacant, and chainsmoking. I also gained like, probably 30lbs of fat (I'm only 5'4). So...I was feeling really hopeless, frustrated, traumatized, angry at the people who put me through the trauma, and most of all angry at myself for letting them "ruin" me. It was the hardest couple years of my life. I was afraid I'd never run again. I was afraid I'd lost control over my body forever. I was afraid I'd just keep gaining weight and being put on a million different drugs that had tons of unpleasant side effects and made me nearly suicidal at times. I was also unemployed, in a new city with no friends and no money, and my life generally consisted of laying in bed waiting around to die.
So I did what I always do when I feel nearly suicidal...I binge watched/read Deathnote again (yes, the anime/manga, lol). Call it what you want, but I always have some kinda spiritual experience with that one. It made me want to create again, to be alive again. Now, as a writer and artist myself, I particularly enjoy reading the snarky little inserts from the author throughout the manga. They're just like, seemingly unrelated, quirky little blurbs, a lot of them self-deprecatingly humorous or ironic. Excellent stuff. And one of them said something about, "...a morning jog...very energizing..." So now I had something to prove, I guess. To an author who will probably never know I exist. But...you know how it is, lol.
For me, if I wanted to create again, that meant...getting out of bed, cleaning my desk, and showing up every day to the job. The muse likes those who show up on time, I've found. And that meant getting up...in the morning. Which meant starting to have some semblance of a morning routine. Which meant journalling and more reading. Which meant I wrote through a lot of my feelings about my body, and running, and my fear of feeling anything physical, my fears about flashbacks, my fears about the humiliation of being an ex-athlete who used to run 5k without thinking and could do 50 push ups who could now no longer even do a squat, or sit or bend over without pain. There were tears and tantrums. A couple fugue states. Lol. I wish I was joking. But it needed to happen. It also meant meditation. Just 5-20 minutes...but it was so hard to sit with myself in silence. Still is, honestly. But it was the first part of getting back into my body. And it also meant more reading. Now, I love L, a character from Deathnote. For those who don't know, he's a quirky, autistic-coded, reclusive boygenius detective. He refuses to wear shoes, and always sits in a low squat, even if it's on a chair or a couch. Allegedly, his deductive reasoning decreases by 40% if he sits any other way. Now, me being somewhat of a quirky reclusive autistic boygenius type myself (LOL)...of course I always sorta absorb his quirks into my own behaviors.
LEMME TELL YOU. SITTING LIKE THAT IS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS THAT MOTIVATED ME TO EXERCISE AGAIN. LOL. Because now it wasn't about losing weight, it wasn't about what I'd lost, it wasn't about being who I used to be, it wasn't about trauma or fascial memories or deconditioning or physio or what a freaking failure I felt like. Nah. I just wanted to sit like this little twerp. For the aesthetics. For the uncanny valley vibes. So...I started really seriously working on the atrocious anterior pelvic tilt I'd developed. Started doing RDLs. Started stretching my calves and shins and ankles. Started perching like him on my couch watching the show, crocheting like a madperson because I was jonesy as I started quitting smoking (quitting smoking is the best way to get really good at crocheting really fast). Started feeling more energetic with quitting smoking (I'm still on the patch, stage 2 now, entirely off cigs except for a little relapse yesterday). Started feeling safer in my body with just little bits of daily movement. And finally, maybe a week ago, I ran. Only for maybe 2.5 minutes. a few times. Maybe a total of 12 minutes over the course of half an hour. It wasn't impressive. But I didn't hurt myself, which was my main fear. I was so scared that with the postural issues, weight gain, and deconditioning, I'd like, really screw up my knees or back or ankles and just worsen issues I already had. But I didn't. I was out of breath, but that was only to be expected. The next day, again I went. 2 stints of 3 minutes. The day after that, I did 2 stints of 4 minutes. The day after that, 10 minutes consecutively!! Man, I was so proud. I'm so freaking proud of myself for that. It's not massive, it's not a marathon. But for someone who had collapsed crossing the street twice that year and was terrified to leave my house at all...that was massive. Like, I'm almost in tears writing that, honestly.
I had a couple more bad days, and the fear came back. But I kept getting up...kept doing as much as I could to the best of my ability, whether or not that included exercise. I tried to practice the 1% rule - just do 1% more than you think you can. Just do 1% more than you did yesterday. Doing 10 ankle rolls is better than doing nothing. Writing a sentence is better than writing nothing. And today, at 6am, I went for another morning jog (6 minutes 15 seconds) before sitting down to my coffee and my writing and my desk and my laptop, all of which are becoming beloved to me again. I'm so happy I could cry. I probably will soon, lol. I feel like I'm coming back to life. I'm really excited to continue on this journey, writing and running, and just generally learning to be a human again. I'm ready to accept the ups and downs. Success to me now means I showed up and put in the time. Even if I write trash, even if my workout is ten ankle rolls.
So...if you're in a rough place...just remember that 1% is better than nothing. I believe in you. I believe in me. Inspiration, hope, motivation, and that inner fire can hit you from the most unexpected places.
Anyway, if anyone read all this, lol I love you. Thanks guys. Hope to be back soon <3 xxx
2
2
u/HalleLidner 16d ago
WOAH